When it gets dark God comes down and
covers me with Her love, whilst all around me I hear beautiful hymns, and I
realise that angels are singing my name over and over again, Samuel,
Samuel, which makes me cry because I am so happy. God caresses me as we
lie together, and soon I fall asleep peacefully at her breast.
am in a big field, free and alone, the sun is warm upon me and my legs can run
without restraint, and I open my mouth and out of it comes shouts of happiness
and of love. I know that there is somebody just out of sight, waiting for me,
that once I get over this hill she will be there, with arms outstretched and
with food for us to eat, and we will sit holding hands, and I will smell the
sunlight and hear water from a stream close by in which we will bathe. And the
woman is God.
And then daylight and the Devils coming
crashing into my room with their strange smells and harsh sounds.
Oh shut up Sam, it is still early,
I need my cup of coffee before we get you up. Go back to sleep. Jesus, he never
stops, always moaning, well he will just have to wait. So how was the night
The Devils go away muttering to
themselves, and I try to go back to sleep but God has left me, and I lie there
saturated and feel the sadness of Her receding love.
call upon the Lord, She who is worthy to be praised,/ And I am saved from my
enemies who encompass me.
Oh you are soaking, and you stink.
Jesus, I am not paid enough for this. I am going to have to hose you down, you
are covered in it. Come on we had better clean him up, sooner he is done
Dont start Sam, just stop
shouting, you should be grateful that we help you, instead of moaning, spoiled,
that is what you are.
Jesus, the smell, I feel sick,
what have you been eating Samuel? I need a new job, something without all of
Here, you can wear these today, I
am not having my boy look like a tramp when you go outside later on. Come on,
let me put them on you, I know they are tight, just breath in, you are putting
on weight you fatty, too much pizza that's the problem, what are the other
staff thinking? We will have to put you on a diet.
Just give them a hard pull, you
will never get them on him otherwise.
His arse is bigger than mine. Come
on Sammy, breath in and let me get these on you.
Lord come to me / Rise mighty and beautiful / And take my hand and Lead
Come on eat your breakfast,
Weetabix is good for you, and no you are not allowed to watch
Lorraine, you are obsessed with it, although what you see in her I
just dont know, now just eat up and stop your moaning. Let us put
on CBBC on, more your level. Now I am going to have fag so just give us a few
minutes, and eat nicely, dont get it all over you like you normally
The Devils dance naked around me,
whooping and laughing, they have knives in their hands and their chests are
large and horrible and I gag on the smell of their wickedness; I am scared and
know that they want to kill me. I pray to God, but she cannot hear me, and they
come closer to me, their bodies touching mine, so that I flinch and try to move
away. The knives look sharp and they glint with a red glow and my skin is sore,
but then God comes down; She has not forgotten me and the Devils look at her in
fear, they twist in agony and then fade away and I feel happy because I know
that however hard they try God will save me and look after me.
Why havent you eaten your
breakfast, am I going to have to feed you like a baby? Come on then, open wide.
Jesus, I hope you are not going to be like this all day, Christ I almost forgot
Pills; hard and white, stuffed down my
throat; they taste sour and then I choke on them. Water, give me
Dont you dare spit out your
bloody pills, stop being a child. Swallow them, no I dont care, just take
My mouth feels dry and I want to retch
but I cant. Slowly they fall down my throat and into my chest and then I
feel them open up inside of me, and I feel warm and there is a glow that
spreads to my arms and legs.
And then television, more television,
and the sound of cleaning; vacuuming, splashing, whilst the Devils shout and
sing. I choke on the smell and the noise. I think of my mum, how she held
me and called me her special one, her only one, but then she gave me up, left
me. Her hair is blonde, with sunlight in it, and her eyes are blue and they
look at me constantly, whenever she visits, no matter what everyone is saying
to her, all the lies, her eyes are always looking at me, trying to
The cords of death encompassed me,/ The
torrents of perdition assailed me;/ The cords of Sheol entangled me,/ The
snares of death confronted me.
I dont like his mum, she
Why does she always have to ring
us, especially when we are busy? She is always checking up on us, bloody cheek.
We are doing a better job than she ever did the stupid cow. And she is
coming tomorrow, I just ignore her, let her get on with it, after that last
time she complained I wont have anything to do with her, silly
Have you seen the clothes she
wears, and at her age? Always going on about how poor she is, I dont
think so, wish I could afford some of the stuff she wears, and always buying
him stuff. Now come on Sam, stop sitting and staring, eat your toast, and
dont drop pieces everywhere.
His dad is even worse. Have you
seen the way he looks at me, stop staring at my boobs I want to say
to him. Dirty old man.
Mind you doubt he gets much
otherwise, poor bugger. Your poor old dad eh. At least you dont have to
worry about that sort of thing, do you Phil, sorry I mean Sam?
Let God arise with an army of angels,
let Her enemies be scattered / let those who hate Her flee before
am sitting in church with mum and I look up at the window high above me; yellow
and purple, made bright by the sunshine outside, and I hear voices and music,
and I rock in time to it; it as if God wants to say something to me, to tell me
something important. This must have been a long time ago because I
dont go to church anymore, although they tell my mum that they take me.
I remember that she was next to me, holding my hand, she smelled strange,
but I didnt mind, and her hand was warm in mine, and sometimes she
squeezed, and I squeezed back.
The pictures in the window move, and
there is God looking down at me holy and beautiful, with long black hair; I can
tell it is God as She is all shiny and holy, and She is looking at me with
love. And then voices sing, and it is the most heavenly sound that I have ever
heard so that the music cannot be contained by the building, and I imagine that
it is travelling out over the sky and to the sea, where we had a holiday once,
and even my grandma up in Heaven can hear the music and she will believe in
God. It becomes louder and I want to join in and be part of it.
Oh look he is trying to sing, oh
what a racket Sam. Come on time for the toilet, and enough of that
You wont get on the X-Factor
making noises like that.
Shut up now Sammy, we are trying
We will put some Abba on for you
later, when you have had a piss, you like Abba.
Come on Sam, put that bloody coat
on, it is cold outside and your coat is lovely and warm, your mother bought it
for you, now do stop being silly and dont stamp your feet or you
wont be allowed to go out. Jesus why do we bother? Dont forget if
you play up while we are out, your mother wont visit you tomorrow, now
get a move on.
My shoes hurt and my coat is hot; I want
to feel the wind on my face, to blow through me as if I am hollow inside. The
Devils take an arm each and we totter down the road to the bus stop.
give thanks to God, for She is good,/ For Her steadfast love endures forever/
And people bathe in the warmth of Her love.
You must be very patient to do
Oh yes, tell us about it. He can
often be very difficult, cant you?
How old is
Forty next year, but he is just a
child really. He can be very naughty sometimes, but we love him,
couldnt do this job if we didnt.
Do you have a
No, he doesnt talk, do you
Sammy. Think he likes the boys if he got a chance, always staring at them. None
of that on our watch. He is innocent, none of that nonsense for him. I think it
would be better if we were all like that, far easier.
Mind you I have caught him playing
with his thing a few times, had to slap his hand away. But we do love
him, and he loves us, dont know what I would do without
At the front of the bus there are
children talking; I look at them, trying to understand what they are doing. I
wish that I could join them, be their friend, if I could talk and walk properly
then maybe. They see me staring and one looks straight at me, a blonde girl
wearing a red jacket, and I smile at her and she sticks out her tongue before
looking away and soon we have to get off the bus. Someone pinches my bottom as
we stagger to the front, but I dont mind, it is something at least, and I
smile it as they help me off the bus.
We go to the park, where we always go,
it is grey and dull with just a few people walking their dirty, fierce dogs
which bark at me and try to bite. We shuffle around and the Devils tell me to
hurry up every minute or two, and to get a shift on, so
that I feel tired and worried. It would be lovely to be able to go round on my
own, follow my own paths and at my own speed, but the Devils are always in a
rush, wanting to be somewhere else and dragging me along with them.
We sit on a bench whilst they smoke and
chatter, I feel tired and hungry and my trousers are too tight making my tummy
hurt so that I feel sick. The Devils voices fade, and I gaze up
into the sky, there are lots of clouds, and they move slowly across the sky;
they are cold and flat and then they start to form into a face, a long white
face with a horrible, grubby beard and drooping eyes that look straight at me,
and I know that he is Lucifer, the enemy of God. For a moment there is silence
and time seems to stop, I feel hot and there is an itch on my bottom where I
was pinched. Then there is a smell of burning, burning from Hell and the face
gets bigger and bigger, reaching down to me and I try to make a sound and I
cannot move, and then I go wet and I fall.
The priests of the Temple know Her name
/ They worship Her day after day without ceasing/ Whilst Her people bring their
sacrifices and their Love.
We had to bring him home, he wet
himself; you could smell it on the bus, and he left a damp patch; we made him
sit on his own at the back, pretended that he wasnt with us, and then
when we got off he was sick, all over everywhere. Why do you have to spoil
everything? Come on you can sit there for a bit while we sort the money out. We
will change you in a minute you minger. I am really cross with you; we were
having such a lovely day out and now we have had to come back and change you.
We were going to have had dinner in a pub, always the same when we have got
something lovely planned.
I should have brought a change of
clothes when we went out.
Never mind, it doesnt
matter. Serves him right, he could have waited until we got
I shouldnt say it, but I am
sure that he does it deliberately.
Oh God, yes.
No you are not allowed to eat your
dinner in the front room, you know that. We need a break too, especially after
earlier. And make sure you eat it all up. We are having our tea in front
of the television, so give us a bit of peace for just five
The Devils put music on, the radio I
think, but it sounds strange, not quite right but I cannot stop it, it is too
far away. I eat my dinner quickly just to escape, but they forget about me, and
the sound carries on. There is whispering, and it gets louder and louder
so that it drowns out the music and echoes inside my head. The voices sound
like the Devils and they say horrid things about killing and death, telling me
that my mother hates me and that she will die soon, and then I will never go
back to her. I cry and cry. But then I remember the girl on the bus and my
bottom being pinched; I wonder if it was her and I wonder if I will ever see
her again. I hope so. Perhaps I could live with her and we could go to church
and look at God and forget about the Devils.
throw something at the radio and it falls to the floor and it is a quiet. One
of the Devils comes in and pulls my hair and shouts at me. I hope it is broken
but she turns it back on and goes back to the television.
I will hit you harder she
mutters as she leaves.
The light is in my eyes, and I close
them but I can still feel its heat as it bores into my head.
And now, God, for you I wait? My hope is
in thee./ Deliver me from the Pit of Sheol./ I am dumb, I do not open my mouth
/ I am lame, I cannot move / Remove thy stroke from me.
No you cant watch that, you
like the Soaps. Now be quiet so I can watch in peace, I just need some quiet. I
will be going home soon thank God.
Good evening Sammy, have you been
He hasnt been good; pissed
himself whilst we were out, and he didnt eat all his food. And he did a
disgusting poo this morning; all over everywhere.
Goodbye Sam, I will see you
tomorrow. Be good for Melanie, and do what she tells you. If you keep her awake
I will tell your mum not to visit you tomorrow. You know I
See you tomorrow, unless I can
find something better to do. Jesus I need a hot bath and a shag, hope Pete is
in the mood. Night.
Sometimes whilst I wait for sleep in my
cold bed, the sheets hard against my aching skin, listening to the talking and
laughter below me, I dream of destruction; God is there with an axe and she
hacks the Devils to death, chopping off arms and legs so that the floor is
swamped in blood. I hear them scream and say Samuel we are sorry,
we did not mean it, but soon they are lying on the floor in pieces, and
then God looks at me and She kisses me hard, and I can taste blood on Her lips
and it is good.
She comes down to me, and I tell Her of
my dreams, and She says soon Samuel, very soon, and I fall asleep
in Her arms, content and safe from the darkness.
Yet a little while, and She will come
Triumphant / The priests of Wickedness will die as they stand / Holy, Holy is
She, above all others.