havent heard of me and there is a reason for that. I have learnt to value
my privacy. In this day and age this is a difficult thing. In the old days,
people wanted to become famous purely for the sake of fame itself. I have a
better reason. Let me explain.
I was a normal person
before it happened. Well, mostly normal. I struggled with my weight for a long
time. My parents put it down to genetics but to be honest a lot of the time its
exercise. You try going for a run or to the gym or pool with a hundred eyes on
you. Or watching everyone laugh in your face when you suggest joining at team.
No, so I was pretty big, but I am not here to make excuses for that.
As I say, I was average
apart from my size, which made middle school miserable. Does anyone have a
happy middle school though? I cant say Ive met anyone who has. I
progressed happily through the school system and went onto college which is
where I started to have problems again.
My roommate and I were
different and didnt really see eye to eye. In fact, we couldnt have
been more different; as you know, I never took to sports. My roommate on the
other hand never took to something else. Tensions would build as they had
friends over for pregaming before drunken adventures. Whilst they were here,
the discussions ranged from Greek houses to making unsubtle jibes at me and my
appearance which I endured with a more than noble spirit given the
circumstances. Turning the other cheek et cetera.
The crown on this was
the incident which has caused me so much misery hence. In the lead up to Spring
Break, everything tended to wind down a bit. The workload was relaxed and we
found ourselves having more time to do things. For college students this meant
more time to party. Despite my roommates best efforts, I did have a wide
circle of friends. Sadly this wasnt to last. Someone I knew was throwing
a sprawling party across campus and everyone who was anyone was going to be
there. More than enough for me to turn up, at least.
I was never really sure
how it happened exactly. Whilst I will be the first to admit I was not a
desirable shape or at all attractive, I met someone at that party. We really
hit it off. One thing led to another and I brought them back to my room and
here is where the problems began.
I had never had sex
before. This person understood and made it easy for me, they were kind. We
nuzzled drunkenly on the bed before removing our clothes and getting down to
it. I was excited to be losing my virginity, though I hadnt pictured it
happening like this. Actually, I dont think I had pictured it at all.
Bare skin touched skin as we kissed. Then there was thrusting. It was right at
the moment of orgasm, my first from another person, that the door of my room
There stood my roommate
and my roommates friends. One of them held a phone and was recording the
whole thing. Just as the door opened I made the weirdest sounding cry of
passion and the bed broke. One of the legs just straight up gave way and we
both juddered into the mattress.
In the aftermath I was
left alone on the broken bed, confused and my eyes stinging with tears. What
had just happened? Before my partner fled I made a pathetic attempt to cover
myself and threw everything at them within arms reach, screaming and crying all
Having seen the video
after (it was a long time after that I could bear to watch it) my
partners face cant be seen; they are completely anonymous. I wander
if theyd been put up to it by my roommate, but it explained a few things.
The pixelated footage captures the moans I make while making love (later
compared to whalesong) and the awful skin on skin slapping sound of
love-handles, spare tyres, belly, sagging tits, back fat, you name it. Then the
door opens and I cant bear to describe it any further. Safe to say it was
not my finest hour.
The video went viral
overnight, complete with Discovery Channel style narrations. I had my phone
switched off for a full two weeks. I had to delete Facebook because everyone
would link me the video and not stop talking about it. I cut classes because of
the whispering and the stares. When I caught people on campus wearing t-shirts
of it I stopped leaving my room. My bed even. The footage and images from it
went up in all the usual places; 4chan, Reddit, Tumblr, YouTube, etc. It felt
like I would never hear the end of it. My worst moment caught for 7 billion
strangers to see. I considered suicide and fortunately got
By the end of the year
I had dropped out and gone home. My parents understood. We never spoke directly
about the video, but when I looked them in the eye I saw that even they had
seen it, perhaps out of curiosity. I managed to find a job where I could work
from home and in the intervening period I lost the weight which had brought me
fame. Things were looking up, but it didnt feel like it and I was still a
recluse, even from my friends and family. Whenever I Googled my name (which I
did daily now) the video was still there in some format or another. People had
written articles on it. Everyone was wondering where I had disappeared to. I
dreaded to be found. Every time I stepped outside I loathed it in case I should
be recognised. It never happened, in part due to shedding all the fat, but it
was my phobia all the same. Something had to be done.
I was overjoyed to hear
that Google would be enacting a right to be forgotten policy
shortly over here. There was only one catch; in order to request this measure
for yourself, you had to be a celebrity. You had to attain fame and not the
sort that I had already received. For a moment I was downcast, but then I knew
exactly what I had to do.
Why not write a story
of the terrible event? If I were to get it published that would give me the
kind of celebrity required for my right to be forgotten.
It may seem
self-defeating of my to attempt to further circulate the material which has
caused me so much trouble. But at this point I felt as though I had nothing to
lose. Plenty of people had had fun and gain at my expense; I didnt see
why I shouldnt join their ranks if it got me what I desired most. If I
were famous enough, the search engine would erase me entirely, that was how it
So I got what I wanted.
By now with everyone having seen the video my side of the story was instantly
taken up. There was a brief period where amateur reporters dogged my every step
and I had to treble my efforts to remain unseen. But the celebrity it brought
me was sufficient for Google. Two and a half years after the video was first
put on YouTube, two months after I surfaced to the public again, I got what I
wished for and life has never been better. I earned my right to be forgotten.
Everything was removed. Im sure, if you tried hard enough, you could
still find things scattered here and there, but if searching my name returned
no results, that was good enough for me. It was over, life was normal again.
And thats why you probably havent heard of me.