droughts & dry spells
usually the apologies
become meaningless —
I’ve said sorry so
many times now
even I have forgotten
what I’m apologizing for
but I guess
it’s for not feeling
normal enough
to sustain
a healthy relationship
for a prolonged
period of time —
for not adapting
and welcoming
another human being
with the love needed
to do so
and for always
thinking the grass
has to be greener
on the other side
only to realize
that a drought
is inevitable —
the dry spells
are what
make
us
thirsty.
A cup of coffee
he walked by the room I was painting
and asked me if I wanted a coffee —
I declined.
we were in a vacant rental apartment,
repainting the walls before they installed the new floors.
he was an immigrant from Spain; rough around the edges,
always looking disheveled and tired,
perhaps from working too hard —
or too much.
we had previously met while we both worked for
another company and I brought him on to help me
with a few jobs I had coming up.
he had a wife and two kids back home
whom he missed dearly —
he said he was working for them,
and sending back money every month.
I heard something in the apartment
and went to see what it was
as I thought he had left to go buy coffee —
and that’s when I saw him on his knees
with a card in his hand
chopping up a white powdery substance
on his phone.
“I thought you were going out for coffee”
‘no, no, coffee, COFFEE!’ he shouted grinning ear to ear
while holding up the phone.
I laughed and nodded,
understanding his plight —
and remembering all those times
I needed a little pick me up
myself.
Uninvited Guest
sometimes I know it’s coming
making it hard to breathe.
an emptiness consumes my gut
and makes it feel like
I’ve hit a big drop on a roller coaster
at an amusement park.
other times it shows up
like an uninvited guest
that I desperately want to
get rid of
but I choke on my excuses
so now I’m sitting with it
in my living room
listening to it speak
knowing it’s full of shit
knowing it’s killed before
and knowing that’s what it ultimately wants.
I never know when it will leave
and sometimes I think it’ll stay
until I finally give in and decide
the visits alone are torture enough
but until then we continue to do
our little song and dance.
days
weeks
and
months
can go by
but I know I can count on
it coming back —
and I know
we’ll be seeing each other
again soon.
A Special Moment in Time
I remember she told me
she found
somebody else
how it felt different
how we were done
and how she knew
she had something
special
and that maybe one day
I too would find somebody
special
and if I was lucky enough
to do so
I would know.
and she was right
for a moment there
they were very happy
I’m sure.
they fell in love
and got married
very quickly
and then she got pregnant
but after she did
he cheated on her
the entire time
not so special —
anymore
now
is it?
No Mas
After the diagnosis he gave up
he didn’t stop drinking
didn’t quit smoking Rothman’s blue
didn’t start exercising
didn’t change his diet
didn’t change anything —
I guess he knew his fate
so he made like
Roberto Duran
and said
“no mas”
except
just because you stop fighting
it doesn’t mean the fight’s over
this isn’t boxing —
but if it was
the referee would have
stopped the fight
a long time ago —
instead
the disease continues to
punish him
everyday he wakes up to
more abuse
his brain’s communication to
his legs
lost in translation
he uses his arms to
move them now
each step more excruciating
than the next
and so
he waits —
for a cure?
unlikely
for death?
how lovely.
