From Winamop.com

Poems
by Jack Henry

 


 

Mayakovsky

 

he loved

from afar

this woman

untouchable woman

from afar he loved

and lived and dreamed

and chased the inner demon lust

across the vast steppes of a frozen land

 

mother Russia

and Moscow

and eruptions of parliamentarian disrepute

skulls cracked and fragmented

into shards of voices never quelled

but forgotten

in the fog of war

the fog of life

 

forgotten into the bitter black

of forests laid bare across the flesh

of dying souls

 

 

 

a black line

 

 

relapse

 

i have a secret

a craving

something i don't want to admit to

but something real

foreboding

 

it creeps on me

when i am alone

or in groups

on the freeway locked down in traffic

on my knees in a dark alley

 

it comes alive & whispers

in my ear

'remember me?'

'remember me?'

 

she won't leave me be

 

alone, tv on,

drug documentary

how it's made

how it's sold

who gets hurt

who gets paid

 

i watch it

disinterested

fentanyl

disinterested

 

cocaine

a familiar itch begins

i am piqued

i remember

but this sister never wrapped her coils

around me

never drew me in

took control

 

and yet...

 

the whisper gets louder

the next episode

the itch gets deeper

the whisper begins to sing

 

methamphetamine

 

m e t h a n p h e t a m i n e

 

how it's made

how it's sold

who gets hurt

who gets paid

 

i want to change channels

look at porn

watch baking shows

or maybe go outside

walk in the sun

but a trembling finger does

not press the right button

 

and i watch

and remember

 

without thinking

hesitation

consideration

i reach for my phone

dial a number

speak in a low voice

15 minutes, come over

30 minutes, back home

 

a button bag

filled with white rock

mid-grade

methamphetamine

 

dope

 

d o p e

 

quickly i crush

stone to powder

on my Formica table top

w/my gym membership card

roll a five into a slender tube

hold it to one nostril

inhale

another nostril

inhale

 

it's immediate

as it burns through the thin

membranes of my sinuses

 

i go into a mellow

euphoric state

ADHD

 

before the speed i had Adderall

crushed & snorted

daily

paid for by insurance

prescribed by a doctor that accepted cash payment

 

i sat there

alone

high

indifferent

 

tried to write

nothing

tried to masturbate

nothing

tried to do something

nothing

 

how long had it been?

the sweet burn kept rising

heart raced

i felt magic

sorrow

shame

regret

 

another line

push it deeper

no more thought

or memory

or present reality

 

just the rush

another line

the rush

another line

the rush

another line

 

then nothing

 

days went by

i lick each speck of dust

from empty button bags

make a phone

15 minutes, come over

30 minutes, i'm back

 

days pass

work calls

'where are you?'

'i'm here'

'are you sick?'

'i am'

 

i am

 

 

a black line

 

 

a call to prayers

 

the first time you stabbed me

i said 'you sharpen the knife,'

knowing the next  time could be the

last time & i wanted it to be quick.

 

but you never listened,

never cared, never told me

stories about love & dreams & happy endings.

 

and when you left, the last time,

i changed locks & phone numbers,

in hopes of peace, a respite

from your tortured life.

 

but you came back,

when the money ran dry,

when the con fell apart, when

the next mark wised up & told

you a sharper knife would work better.

 

the cops let me go,

called it self-defense, but

now you are truly captured

deep in last vesper

of my quivering heart.

 


 

a black line

 

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