by Paul Murgatroyd



It’s an honour, and an onus, to open this crisis summit,

where the very life of the planet is our remit.

Clearly the earth is in trouble, the earth is ailing.

Sadly the measures we’ve taken so far are failing.

To save the world and its peoples from climate catastrophe,

it’s vital for us to act together with urgency,

agreeing on bold new pledges which we all endorse.

            (Non-binding, of course.)

This assembly will lead the way to a world that is green,

a world that is safe for all and healthy and clean.

Our policies will move in a pivotal new direction.

            (Well, MAYBE, after the next election.)

We must end at once our role as nature’s conqueror

and pursue a landmark mission as nature’s protector.

On this, I know, we’re all in perfect accord.

            (I also know I’m getting bloody bored.)

We must set game-changing targets that we’ll meet or surpass.

            (And upset our donors? My arse!)

As our children will bear the brunt of global heating,

protecting them is the primary aim of this meeting.

And so I say to our youth: now you can hope.

            (And then you can go piss up a rope.)

We’ll utilize all the resources of emerging technology

to ensure climate security as our legacy.

We WILL prevail – this I solemnly swear.

            (Jesus, look at the tits on her.)

Together we WILL achieve net zero.

            (Oh WILL we? I don’t think so.)

That’s my pledge, that’s my historic vow.

            (Thank Christ that’s over and I can piss off now.)



a black line


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