Now that the fairy-tale romances of Fabricator Tolkien are once
more invading cinemas all over the decivilised world, polluting history with
designer falsehood, it is time to reveal the contents of a docuemnt recently
discovered in Middle Earth, which relates to a time immediately before what is
erroneously known as the Last Battle between Gondor and the forces of Sauron. I
shall not reveal the provenance of this document in order to avoid the
depredations of pirates and treasure-seekers The document is the testament of
those who describe themselves as the True Orcs, and proves their ability to
break free from the repressions and falsehoods of wizards, men, elves, dwarves
and even those deluded hobbits who in their innocence believe anything they are
told. The document reveals the existence of the Great Brotherhood of
anti-Mordor Orcs, quoting where necessary the utterances of Ugluk the Ugly,
beardless sage of Gangalok.
Initially the theory that Orcs are either fallen Elves or the
fabrication of soulless beings by the sullen underground fires of Mordor is
effectively refuted. Orcs, on the contrary, are a distinctive race whose
genetic inheritance roams back into the deep fOrcst of impenetrable Time. As
Ugluk himself explains, their culture is based, unlike that of any other
species on Middle Earth, upon the fundamental principles of Reason and
Ugluk is quoted to this effect:
'WIZARDS will not allow the triumph of Reason. As becomes plain
from any close study of the life of Perverter Gandalf, wizards prefer to reason
the tenets of dogma, which they base on unnamed authority, and operate by the
entrapments of magic, which, of course, are an age-old form of deception.
In their turn MEN are incapable, as history shows, of listening
intelligently to anything, or of acting upon the sound principles of reason.
From time immemorial they have succumbed to the sinister cycle of dark deed,
revenge and rejoinder, on and on through generations, unable to break free from
emotional traps and false assumptions, theorising elaborately on the flimsiest
evidence. Indeed, Men have always been the helpless victims of emotion,
psychological aberration, irrational idealism, and consequent hypocrisy and
Men also insist upon the unreal dichotomy of Black versus White,
each sect describing itself as Good and its opponents as Evil, whereas in fact
all the colours of the rainbow combine or intertwine to operate in ways too
complex to be enumerated here.
ELVES prefer legend to truth, mystery to veracity, and illusion
to fact. They are the creatures of myth, and cannot, by their nature, allow
justice to prevail, turning everything into embroidery and the pretences of
DWARVES are the people of underground, for whom the sanity of
sunlight is an abomination.
The perverted ORCS of MORDOR, slaves of Sauron, prefer will and
force to meditation, rationality and mutual respect. They have in truth become
beasts without the saving instincts of those beasts capable of adaptation and
long-term survival. They are as a result prime fodder for death to devour at
Initially certain families of Orcs chose Sauron as their leader
in order to establish a balance against the mystifications of Elves which
denied the freedom for reason to function.
When Sauron turned to tyranny (which was inevitable since he was
by origin half-man) the Brotherhood of Anti-Mordor Orcs was created to oppose
him at every level from clandestine sabotage to open warfare.
Men do not understand this. They believe that all Orcs are the
tools of Mordor, and that we have no culture. This is because Orcish poetry has
proved unintelligible to them, being sharp and dry rather than soft and
squashy, and Orcish philosophy is not idealistic but edged like an axe.
Orcs accept rocks and desert. What other species can endure
them? Elves prefer gardens, Men prefer cities, Dwarves prefer caverns, Hobbits
prefer holes in the ground The vision derived from rocks and desert is pure and
plain. We rejoice in it.
Elves and wizards are so incapable of justice that even their
behaviour in conflict is perverted and unfair. They use 'magic' swords and
shields, which have properties as yet unknown to Orcs, weapons that propel
objects from a distance, they attempt to cast spells, wear the armour of
illusion, believing powerfully in the impossible, and appeal to higher powers
for assistance. We oppose to all this our skill, strength, agility, and the
processes of reason.
The result of total victory for Sauron would be a vast factory
for slaves to work in, the result of a total victory for Gondor a display of
pageantry, sermonising, hypocrisy, pomposity and deception.'
These are the words of Ugluk. If spared the depradations of time
I may reveal the nature of the struggles of the Brotherhood, with an account of
its relationship with that perpetrator of apalling poetry and specious
ecological theory the egregious wood-wanderer Thomas Bombadill. I will
alsodescribe negotiations with the slothful Ents, deniers of movement and
progress, and will give a painfully accurate account of the bloody and
disastrous battle of Clarice Cliff, in which owing to a catastrophic accident
we found ourselves fighting simultaneously both Gondor and Mordor, and as a
direful result were driven once more into hiding, where we remain to this day.
Hiding, yes. Final defeat, emphatically No. We await our moment. It will