The Rumsfeld Doctrine. By The Doktor.

It's entirely clear by now that America fought the Iraq war under the Rumsfeld Doctrine, presumably a sentence of indescribable ugliness and contradictory logic. Under the Rumsfeld Doctrine the Americans succeeded in conquering 92% of the land-mass of Iraq in little over a week. 97% of Iraq is entirely unpopulated by anything intelligent enough to leave, a category which plainly does not include the Americans.

Under the Rumsfeld doctrine, America has sent 3 Marines and a bugle to conquer one of the world's oldest civilisations, a feat to be accomplished by the application of 'Shock and Awe'. 'And/or what?' we wonder. Shock and/or mild surprise? "Oh save us, save us, the American Satans are unleashing 'Operation Slightly Worrying' by flying something shaped rather like a bat over Baghdad and letting off fireworks.

The Rumsfeld Doctrine assumes the self-evident superiority and popularity of American models of society and culture. It sees Nationalism and non-Christian religion as forms of terrorism. It believes in pre-emptive attacks against those who oppose it without compelling evidence or international support. The Rumsfeld Doctrine echoes the famous dictum 'Might is Right', believing military superiority to be a judgement of the Lord - in this it is identical to Israel, and at least the rhetoric of Saddam Hussein himself. America is the playground bully of modern international diplomacy. The Rumsfeld Doctrine is its moral code. Under the circumstances we can welcome neither victory for the Rumsfeld Doctrine nor for the slightly pathetic, utterly repugnant Stalin-groupie Saddam Hussein, whose very mustache - so reminiscent of Liverpool F.C. in their distant heyday (Graham Souness still retains a spectral negative after-image of his 1970's lip foliage even since a triple heart bypass operation and civil war in Turkey) - deserves international condemnation. The problem here is not whether Saddam should be deposed or not, it is who has the right to do it. However, under the Rumsfeld Doctrine America has the right to do whatever it likes.

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