Morning Mr. Schmertz. This is Dawn with Orlando Marketing and Tourism to let
you know you've just won and all expenses paid discount opportunity to visit
one of our luxury resorts in the Greater Orlando Area...let me axe you ...would
you be interested in speaking with one of our senior sales
Eastern on this beautiful Tuesday morning... how are you doing today
yourself and never call here again."
Schmertz was a native New Yorker. He hated telemarketers but for some reason he
forgot to sign up for the "do not call list" and for this mistake he was paying
a heavy price.
smashed down in his mug in black, hot torrents of love. Dark and bitter. Just
the way he saw life. He flipped on the TV but that annoying, disgusting
commercial about the hair-club for men always seemed to find him-- how could
they possibly know about his growing concerns. He clicked off his small black
and white TV and glanced at the mirror and scowled. As he walked by the
dining room table he snuck a look at the mountain of bills...it was growing
larger and larger. What the fuck! Who was pinging him on his work-issued
Blackberry this early - hopefully no one from the office. What is this? The
subject line of the e-mail read:
URGENT HELP; Dear Kind Sir--I am from Nigeria and I need you to
pick up $5 Million Dollars from a bank account for me...
delete before he could finish reading the pathetic missive.
straightened his tie and locked his apartment door. He looked down the hallway
hoping not to run into the landlord or a snoopy neighbor and made a dash for
Ms. Judy "Buttinsky" was in the elevator. Why wouldn't she be?
Schmertz - saw that eviction notice posted on your door a month ago - guess
you're still here huh?"
morning to you too, Judith"
about it - I can still hear your damn TV after 9 O'clock at night - don't you
even work Schmertz?"
"Yes, Judy -
"What do you
circumcise elephants for the circus, Judy - it doesn't pay much but the tips
disgusting Schmertz - oh yeah, that's right you work in a mailroom
somewhere. I guess that explains a lot."
sure what you mean Judy - but always a pleasure sharing the slowest moving
elevator in the world with you. Later, I'm sure."
watch yourself Schmertz."
street an ambulance siren shrieked. Schmertz snaked his way down the street
past pan-handlers and planned-parenthood spokes-people. He squeezed on the 6
train and was on his way to work.
man stood right next to him the whole ride down yelling his tale of woe out to
the entire subway car. Schmertz did not feel sympathetic, he felt annoyed.
Pissed off. He got off near Wall Street. Up the staircase. On the street, he
weaved his way through businesspeople talking loudly on their Iphones - walking
right in front of him, ignoring him. For all intents and purposes, Todd
Schmertz was the invisible man.
As he got to
the office, two minutes late, Florence the secretary and resident office gossip
was there waiting for him. It was no secret that Florence knew everybody's
business at the office and that she took particular delight in her unspoken job
of spreading the word when somebody was about to get fired.
Schmertz walked through the door, Florence gave him a weird little
Schmertzie - Boss wants to see you right away... don't bother clocking in...
and by the way - it was nice knowing ya."
"oh yeah? -
well... it's been that kind of morning anyway... and you know what Flo - I
never fucking liked you anyway"
the door hit you on the way out, baldy"
how'd Makluskey's dick taste?"
Flo - take care of yourself"
on the boss's door already knowing what was coming next.
morning, Mr. Schmertz... why don't you take a seat"