| Dog bites man. | ||||||||||
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
42p |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Minor Website still going!
By our meeja correspondent Chat G.I.T.
Winamop.com, a website which hardly anyone visits, has lasted 20 years. Why this insignificant site continues to exist is unknown. We spoke to the editor to discover why on earth he is persevering with it.
Us "Why on earth are you persevering with it?"
Ed "What?
Us "Winamop!"
Ed "Oh that... not sure really."
Us "Thanks."
So there you have it, another scoop from the News team.
World Cup Success!
By our sports correspondent Potato O'Couch
It's all been a superb event in every respect over in.. err.. where is it again? Oh yes Qatar, that's it, should there be a U in that surely? Q before U except after something.. or have I got that mixed up.
Anyway, massive bags of cash have been exchanged, thousands of migrant workers have died and there's no beer so I didn't go.
Football's coming home at last, at least the England team are coming home in good time for Christmas, result!
Ere we go, Ere we go Ere we go! [Yes, off you go, you're fired! Ed]
Everything is just fine!
By our medical correspondent Weebit Peakey
Don't worry, be happy, etc. The UK is leading the world in the new Omicron version of the popular Covid-19 virus. Other European countries are struggling to keep up with our magnificent score. UK politicians are doing their best to maintain our leading position by encouraging large gatherings and having parties. Well done everyone!
Pestilence
, Flood
"End of world definitely nigh" reports our religious correspondent.
So here's one in the eye for all you non-believers running around sinning all over the place. Now see what's happened?
The All-seeing Wombat (or other deity of your choice) is displeased with all the rampant consumerism and fornication and he (or she) has caused these great disasters to come upon the human race! Not only that, but he has brought upon you a shortage of bog-rolls, tins of beans and hand-sanitiser gel! That'll teach you.
"What can we do to make amends?" I hear you cry. [No we don't. Ed]
Lead a blameless life, buy The Big Issue, smile at yappy dogs and don't kick them even a little bit, feed the birds [tuppence a bag? Ed.], give a little whistle, tie a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree, say a little prayer for me, dance till you're dead, pump it up, walk like an Egyptian [you're losing the plot now.. Ed.]
Yes well there's nothing you can do you see because it's all too late! I'm off to stand on the top of Glastonbury Tor and wait for the alien war-lords to pick me up. So long suckers!
[There's a vacancy for the post of religious correspondent as of now. Ed.]
UB
Be assured that Winamop operates to the very highest journalistic standards, all our stories are rated for truthfulness (if only the tabloids would do that!). We also drink vast amounts and are experts at bugging phones, shoving our feet in your doors and our cameras in your tear-stained faces.
Key:
T = True story
MT = Mostly true
L = Lies
PL = Probably Lies
LF = Lies based on Facts
UB = Utter Boll... err.. Balderdash!
Note: To comply with time-honoured journalistic practices, we only use single sources and never check our facts. If we cannot obtain firm information we make it up.
Rupert made us do it!
