Three poems from Daniel S. Irwin.

The Woodchopper's Lament

I'm a woodchopper
An' I chop wood.
That is, I'd chop wood,
If I could.

It all began
With this great big tree
An', somehow, I chopped of me leg,
Below the knee.

There weren't no pain,
It were only numb.
So, I chopped some more
An' there went a thumb.

Next to go, me arm,
Left side.
Then from me butt,
A big chunk of hide.

When I chopped of me ears,
Both left an' right,
Someone said, "Woodchopper,
Call it a night."

That was me first time
An' they said, "No more!"
They wouldn't even give me
A chance to even the score.

Tree: 5; Woodchpper: 0.

So, here I sit crying tears in me tea,
For I'm a woodchopper.
A woodchopper is me!
What else can an uncoordinated blind man aspire to be?

Saskatchewan

I think, I'll move to Saskatchewan
An' hang out with my brother, Ron.
Hunt sasquatch around Saskatoon,
Track 'em down by the light of the moon.

Naw, that's crazy. I'm kinda lazy.
That plan sounds too damn hazy.

Well, maybe I'll head to East L.A.
An' party with my amigo, Ray.
He said i could look him up any day.
What the Hell's that you say?

Ray's dead? Shot in the head?
Foolin' 'round with a woman that was wed.

Hmmm, prospects are slim,
But, there's always cousin Jim.
I could go down to Key West
An' visit him.

Yeah, frolic on the beach,
Get a belly full of beer.
Strike that thought,
Jim's gone a might queer.

Wears lace. paints his face,
Lives life a fast an' hectic pace.

I guess, there's no place for me to roam.
Just as well vegetate at home.
It's wearin' me out plannin' for here an' there.
'Sides, I think my butt's stuck to this chair.

Pablo Touched My Dog

Pablo touched my dog, man.
At least, that's what they say.
I think, I'll call the cops
And have him put away.

Why'd Pablo touch my dog, man?
She was only just a pup.
When I got her in the mail,
She'd fit inside a cup.

Yeah, Pablo touched my dog, man.
They found pictures in his house.
You know, that stinkin' Pablo
Is a low down dirty louse.

That damn Pablo touched my dog, man!
And for that he's gonna pay.
She was diagnosed with Chihuahua herpes
Six weeks ago today.

All this stuff is © Daniel S. Irwin. No reproduction without consent.