Two Scenes from an Election
by Martin Green

 

Bob and Barbara on Election Eve

 

It was the night before the presidential election.  Newlyweds Bob and Barbara had just watched the nightly television news, which said the election was a toss-up, and were preparing to go to bed.  “Well,” said Bob, “I guess we should get up early tomorrow so we can vote before the lines get too long.”

“Yes,” said Barbara.  “Are you still going to vote for that awful Trump?”

“He’s not that awful.  Well, maybe he is.  But Kamala is even worse.”

“What do you mean?”

“She’s a California progressive for one thing and look at what they’ve done to that state.  She brags about being a prosecutor but she doesn’t say she was known for being soft on criminals.  She was dead set against fracking and now she says she isn’t.  She and Biden had an open border policy and now she says she’s all for the wall.  That crazy guy Bernie Sanders had it right, she’ll say anything to get herself elected.”

“Well, look at Trump.  He’s still saying he won the last election.”

“Yeah, that’s not too smart of him.”

“Smart?  I think he’s stupid.  Look at that debate.  Kamala wiped him out.  She was out to rile him and he rose to the bait every time.”

“Yeah, that wasn’t his finest moment.  But what about Kamala?  She won’t have any press conferences or answer any tough questions.  Nobody knows what she really thinks or what she’d do if she gets elected.  All she does is spout her canned speeches.  I’m sick and tired of hearing how she was raised by her mother to be middle class whenever they ask her about the economy.  At least Trump isn’t afraid to put himself out there.”

“Okay, I wish she’d tell us more about her ideas.  And Trump may be out there but he lies all the time.  Like saying when he was president everything was great.”

“You’re right.  He does like to exaggerate.  But what about Kamala?  She tells deliberate lies.  Like saying Trump will ban abortions.  He says he’ll leave it up to the states.  And she says he’ll do everything in that Project 2025.  He says over and over again that he’s never even seen it.  That doesn’t stop her from lying about it.”

“Hmmm.  She does lie a lot.  And she was Vice President all this time and the country is in pretty sad shape.  Maybe I shouldn’t vote for her after all.  But I could never vote for Trump.  I can’t stand him.”

“I know.  He is pretty obnoxious.  And he’s vain as a peacock.  Maybe I shouldn’t vote for him either.  But I couldn’t vote for that empty pantsuit.”

“Then maybe we shouldn’t vote at all.  We can sleep in.”

“Sounds good to me.  Say, don’t you have an uncle who went to Canada?”

“Yes, my Uncle Rob.  He went there when it was Trump or Hillary.”

“Why don’t you give him a call tomorrow?”

 

 

Bob and Barbara After the Election

 

Author’s Note:  I give up.  The goings-on post-election are too ridiculous to satirize.  Here’s one last try.

 

It was the Sunday morning after the election.  Bob and Barbara had finished their breakfasts and were in the living room with their coffees.  Bob was reading the sports page and Barbara was reading the news section.  “Hmm,” said Barbara.  “It says here that women should withhold sex from their husbands who voted for you-know-who.”  

“What!” said Bob, nearly jumping out of his chair and spilling his coffee.  “That’s ridiculous.  Besides, I didn’t actually vote for you-know-who.  You remember we decided not to vote and sleep in.”

“Hmmm.  That’s a technicality but don’t worry, I think it’s a silly idea, too.  Let’s see.  Women are also going to dress in black to show how they feel about the result.  What do you think?”

“I don’t know.  Are you going to?”

“No, I don’t think so.  Black’s not really my color.”

“That’s good.”

“Oh, here’s something else.  Biden should resign and let Kamala be the first woman president.”

“Now that’s a really silly idea.”

“Why?  Don’t you think we should have a woman president?”

“It’s not that, but it should be someone the people voted for.”

“Yes, I think you’re right about that.”

“What other ridiculous things are in the paper?”

“Well, a bunch of celebrities are planning to leave the country in protest.  Here’s one who says she feels sorry for ordinary people who can’t leave.”

“Did you ever call your Uncle Ed who went to Canada after Trump/Hillary?”

No, I called but he was off on a hunting trip.  Besides, you don’t really want to pack up and go to Canada, do you?  We have our families here.  We both have pretty good jobs.  Why leave all that?”

“You’re right.  Let’s stay put.  But let’s not talk about politics any more.  There must be more interesting things we can talk about.”

“You’re right.  No more politics.”  There was a pause.  “I’ve been thinking of having a baby.”

“What!” said Bob, nearly jumping out of his chair and spilling his coffee.”

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