The Stupidest Question in the World
by Michael Smith

 

 

“Is anyone there?”

 

You say it automatically, without really thinking; well, you would, wouldn’t you? It’s what people say in these situations. You’re alone in a dark room. You hear a creak, or something fall, metal on wood, perhaps? Or even, the shuffling of heavy footfalls, which is possibly preferable to the light, swift pattering of many feet.

And then, without thinking, you do what they always do in the movies. You call out, with some trepidation, “Is anyone there?”

Only after uttering these words does the brain begin to grasp the situation. Eventually, it asks, ‘what sort of answer to this question do I want to hear?’

 

The first option, the best option, would be, “It’s only me. I just popped out to get some more crisps and beer. We’re right out of both, you know?” This is the one you hope for, but only with false, baseless, child-like optimism.

Next, the brain switches to those other, less-pleasant but more likely scenarios. These fall into three basic categories, presented here in order of increasing fear inducement.

 

First, maybe a human voice responds. The voice will, of course, not be one you recognize. It could respond with a question, such as, “Who were you expecting?”

Or it could give an actual answer to your original, stupid question, the worst being a simple, “Yes.” So, what can you do next? I suppose your next question could be, “Who are you?” But, what response do you expect from this? Full name, address and phone number, perhaps?! No, this is another stupid question.

 

Second option, a voice responds that contains traces of humanity; but only a very basic, non-empathetic humanity. The voice will drip with menace and, possibly, saliva. The licking of lips is definitely a bad sign. Heavy breathing is also a bit of a red flag.

 

Third, and this is by far the worst, there is no response at all. Initially, you reason that the original sound was only your imagination. Beware, this is just your brain trying to deceive you, but having less success than many politicians, and most advertising. Your common sense is screaming at you, ‘You definitely heard something. Face up to it. This needs action. Fight or flight.’ But, as this needs a decision, it takes a while to penetrate the fear. Eventually …

Okay, no response. Does this call for a repetition of the original question, “Is anyone there?” What good would that do? No response means that whoever, or perhaps whatever, is really out there does not need to respond to your question. Silence keeps ‘it’ in control, retaining the upper-hand. It knows how menacing the silence can be. It’s just giving your mind space to create the fear it wants. It is an admirably lazy way to induce fear, requiring nothing but silence beyond that initial sound.

 

So, rather than the traditional “Is anyone there?”, what alternatives could be employed for the things that go bump in the night?

In such cases, attack is probably the best form of defense. When a strange sound is heard in the dead of night, try making an equally disturbing sound. Scratch some woodwork, slowly. Keep a gun by your bed (it need not be loaded), and use it to make a few slow, deliberate, yet meaningful, metallic clicks.

The more brave-hearted could even try a vocal response. This could be a low, guttural groan, the sort of sound one makes when awaking with a hangover.

Or, for the really brave, one could try some reverse psychology, “Oh, it’s you. I’ve been waiting for you, hoping you’d turn up tonight so I can wreak my revenge. I’ve been so looking forward to this.” or “Ah, yes, my friend the warlock told me he’d seen a vision of you arriving tonight, and the dreadful outcome that would befall you as a result.” Adding a maniacal laugh could enhance the performance, but don’t overdo it and become too melodramatic.

But, in the end, the most important thing, is to avoid, at all costs, asking the stupidest question in the world.

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