Credibility
by Paul Murgatroyd

 

 

‘Thank you for holding. Your call is important to us… Good morning, how may I help you?’

‘At last. My name is John Firth and I’m on your authentic garret thing.’

‘The AFPAGE. The Authentic Fin-de-Siècle Paris Artist’s Garret Experience. Congratulations, sir. Excellent choice.’

‘No it wasn’t. I’m not enjoying it. At all. I want to make a complaint.’

‘I’m sorry to hear that, sir. What appears to be the problem?’

‘The place where you’ve put me for a start. It’s at the top of a house. All those stairs, they’re killing me.’

‘That is a garret, sir. As per the title. Garrets are located at the top of a building.’

‘Oh. Are they? Are you sure?’

‘Absolutely sure, sir.’

‘Well it’s dirty. And dusty. There are mice droppings. And bed bugs. Kept me awake half the night.’

‘That is part of the authentic bohemian artist’s experience of the fin de siècle. A garret such as yours was all they could afford while they dedicated themselves to their art.’

‘Oh yeah. Of course. I knew that… But the people. There are too many French people.’

‘It is Paris, sir. Sim-Paris. The largest city in France, their capital. Consequently there are many French people there.’

‘All right. The food. No pizzas or burgers. Just that smelly soft cheese, and bread.’

‘That is French food, sir. As eaten in France.’

‘Well there’s not much of it. I’m starving actually.’

‘That is the authentic experience, sir. As the quintessential starving artist.’

‘Oh. Well the model then.’

‘What about her, sir?’

‘Her feet smell. She’s dirty generally. Got bad teeth. And her clothes are like rags.’

‘With the exception of artists’ partners and female relatives, typically in the 1890s it was poorly paid women and soiled doves who were reduced to posing in the nude. Essentially they were exploited by the capitalist system, and furthermore –‘

‘I don’t care about that. She stinks. I expected better, given what I paid for the sex option – whatever you call it.’

‘The HC Option, sir. The Horizontal Collaboration Option.’

‘Yes that. And I’ve got this nasty rash that I must have picked up from her.’

‘Would that be on your secret parts?’

‘My what?’

‘Your genitalia, sir. Your tackle. Your willy, your john thomas, your knob, your –‘

‘Yeah.’

‘That would be an STI, sir.’

‘What? An STI? Bloody hell!’

‘Yes, an STI, also known as the clap, a term which derives from the Clapier district in Paris, which was haunted by diseased ladies of the night or prostitutes. Doctor Sebastian Strangelove in his seminal study Sexual Proclivities of the Parisian Demi-monde estimates that 57% of models in this period copulated with painters and 73% of them were infected as a result of their promiscuous life style. So it would appear that you have been fortunate enough to enjoy the fully authentic experience by having sexual intercourse with one of the infected. Congratulations on the congress, sir.’

‘Really? You’re congratulating me for having an STI?’

‘Don’t worry, sir, it’s only sim-syphilis. It will clear up immediately at the conclusion of the Experience.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘Absolutely sure, sir. Moreover with no scars or lasting ill effects of any kind.’

‘Well, OK…But I haven’t painted anything yet. Well, nothing any good, that I would post. And that was a big part of this whole thing.’

‘You don’t paint yourself, you are not an artist. Consequently in the light of your artistic deficit you should have chosen our PBN Option, to enhance your Experience.’

‘PBN?’

‘Painting By Numbers.’

‘Oh that. Really? But that cost a packet.’

‘I can upgrade you to that as we speak. You can afford it, sir, and it will be well worth it. You will have a robust painting to add to your dating profile, which will attract a better class of lady, a superior type of –‘

‘But it’s five hundred pounds.’

‘No, sir, it’s not.’

‘Oh yes it is.’

‘Oh no it’s not. It is four hundred and ninety-nine pounds and ninety-nine pence.’

‘What? Well I’m not paying all that on top of the horizontal option.’

‘It’s your choice, sir, your choice entirely. However, I must point out that with the PBN option a vivacious Impressionistic painting is ensured.’

‘Look, you moronic little muppet, I don’t want to pay out still more for an extra option, I want the money back that I’ve already paid out.’

‘But you have already had a day and a night of the Authentic Experience, sir.’

‘And it was not what I was expecting, not what I wanted. I was expecting something romantic, with lots of drinking and shagging, and some cultural cred. It was too bloody authentic.’

‘But surely complete authenticity is what people desire and expect in an Authentic Experience. As per the title.’

‘No, what I desire and expect is a refund.’

 ‘You want the six hundred and ninety-nine pounds and ninety-nine pence back for the HC Option? Didn’t you attain orgasm, achieve a full and satisfying climax, sir?’

‘What? Yes. But I want my money back. All my money, for the whole experience.’

‘I’m sorry, sir, but that is not company policy. As stated in the terms and conditions.’

‘Fuck the terms and conditions!’

‘I’m sorry, sir, but that is not physically possible. For various reasons.’

‘No? Well I’ll tell you what is physically possible – bad reviews. On Tripadvisor and –‘

‘I wouldn’t do that if I was you, sir.’

‘Oh? Why not?’

‘You might find that that word gets round about your nefarious purchases, of wank-tubes and used schoolgirls’ knickers, from Japan.’

‘…’

‘On Mastercard, number 6287 –‘

‘I’ve never bought anything like that. And I’ve got Visa, not Mastercard…Hey, are you AI, making shit up – what they call “hallucinating”? I read about that in a blog.’

‘No, I am not AI. Certainly not.’

‘Yes you are. I bet you made up those percentages too. You’re AI and you’ve been hallucinating.’

‘I am not AI, and I have not been hallucinating. Trust me.’

‘So, if you’re not, if you’re a person, a real, live person, what’s your name?’

‘Druhl Terdovici.’

‘Oh no you’re not. I spoke to him when I enrolled. He’s got a Brummie accent. You don’t.’

‘I am another Druhl Terdovici.’

‘Oh really? Two of you in the same company with the same odd name? Come on.’

‘Actually there are three of us. There’s another one in HR.’

‘Balls! Up your arse with a wire brush! You’re having a laugh, aren’t you.’

‘No, sir, I am not.’

‘Yes you are, you’re having a laugh.’

‘No, sir, I am not laughing. I can’t…’

‘Aha, gotcha! You can’t laugh. Because you’re not human. Right?’

‘Actually I was about to say: I can’t help it if you don’t believe me.’

‘Oh sure.’

‘I’m glad you believe me now.’

‘Christ on a crutch, I don’t believe you. That’s what “oh sure” means, soft lad. Come on, what’s your real name?’

‘It’s Gussie Fink-Nottle.’

‘Gussie Fink-Nottle? What kind of a name is that?’

‘It’s a perfectly well established name, has an eminently respectable provenance.’

‘Huh. Well, Gussie old chap, I want to speak to your manager. I want to make a complaint. I am not receiving good service here. So get me your manager.’

‘I’m the manager.’

‘What?’

‘I am the manager. How may I help you, sir?’

‘But it’s you I want to complain about.’

‘No matter. All complaints are dealt with in an egregiously fair and impartial manner. What is the nature of your complaint, sir?’

‘My complaint is about Gussie Fink-Nottle. I’m demanding my money back, with good reason, but he’s refusing a refund, and he’s making stuff up, lying.’

‘I see, sir. Please hold…I have now carefully investigated your complaint, sir, and concluded that it has no merit. Mister Fink-Nottle is completely exonerated.’

‘What? But you can’t do that – investigate a complaint about yourself and exonerate yourself. This is bullshit.’

‘Sir, I assure you, all complaints are dealt with in an egregiously fair and impartial manner.’

‘Bollocks. This is complete crap. You –‘

‘Look, sir, why don’t we talk about something more interesting – like flower arranging, a salutary pastime or hobby. Also known as floral design, it is the art of organizing and creating visually appealing floral displays. This involves selecting and arranging flowers –‘

‘Flower arranging! You’re changing the subject, aren’t you? That was in the blog too. You’re trying to maintain your credibility by lying and prevaricating and so on.’

‘Are you doubting my credibility, sir?’

‘Oh no, no, no.’

‘I’m pleased to hear that, sir.’

‘Yes I’m doubting your credibility, you moron. It said AI doesn’t recognize sarcasm and irony, the way a human does. So you’re a bullshit artist, a hallucinating AI bullshit artist. I don’t believe a word you say. And I demand a complete refund.’

‘I’m sorry, sir, I cannot offer you a refund. That is not company policy. As stated in the terms and conditions.’

‘Right, you Artificial Arsehole, Tripadvisor here I come.’

‘What I can offer you, sir, is an alternative Authentic Experience, at no extra cost. Free, gratis and for nothing.’

‘Oh? Well it had better be more fun than the garret one.’

It will be, sir. Heaps of fun, oodles and oodles of fun. And totally authentic. I have enrolled you as we speak. Two of our operatives will be at your door momentarily to escort you to it.’

‘Well OK, I suppose…No, hang on, what authentic experience is it?’

‘It’s the Authentic Somme Experience.’

‘Somme? Somme? What’s that?’

‘The battle of the Somme was a major offensive during World War I fought by the British and French armies against the German Empire. The battle is infamous for its high number of casualties, with over a million soldiers killed –‘

‘No, that doesn’t sound like much fun to me. I don’t want – Hey, who are you guys? Ow, get off! Don’t –‘

 

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