room distemper raging behind
my eyes, I swallow
that beg to be spat in response to
intrusive commentary and less-than-idle chit
chat. Who are these random
desperately desiring intimate
details of a strangers life?
They hope my responses will cure
their need for vicarious stimulation.
me with their sycophantic cacophony.
I clutch my ears to
out, but they are a faceless contagion rising,
chair to chair. Relief
finally falling in the form of my name
for examination, a more intimate version
of the same onslaught. I splay
on the paper-covered altar, and pray
for this inquisition to
How to Deal
know you dont know
me. We are marketed by competing
but I have a part
icular problem that, rumor has it, you
see, my designated boy
toy is a vampire. He doesnt have
per se or even a plastic heart
accessory add-on to stake, but he
take to brooding in general, and whining
in particular. So I ask
up with that!?!
Is this some new necro-sexual trend? I always
vampires were bad boys. Buy me a ticket
for that train to Transylvania,
please. But I
digress, and must confess that I am
intrigued by your storyline. I heard
you killed yours, or sent him to hell,
dimension (it was all very fast and confusing for
deliberately diminuted IQ). Did that help
with your relationship issues? I
to try anything.
will anxiously be awaiting your
Yours eternally [indebted],
P.S. Can you also slip me a list of your rates
spousal termination is considered a breach
of my contract? Thanks.
Affront #1: Hoodie Ban
The latest symbol of protest took
a potshot from an
piece and suddenly fabric is condemned.
children get cold. Someone might
not be able to see their eyes . . .
Affront #2: Cargo Pants Ban
Too many places for guns and drugs. As if.
The way these
kids wear them, anything
with weight would pull them
The Final Affront: Half Tops and Bootie Shorts Are Allowed
to run rampant. I guess the sexualization of the girls
is acceptable despite the increase in teen pregnancy.
Of course, that
could get them on a reality program
and trickle down to national exposure
for the school.
Press is press. Good,
bad or controversial doesnt
as long as somebody gets paid. The price
of modern education, or
so it would seem.
Pole Dancing To Be Considered For An Olympic Event
And the gold medal in pole dancing goes to . . .
the 16-year-old with sequined-clad triple D
a G-string full of Euros!
Not! The International Pole Sports Foundation
quick to say nudity
and high heels will be forbidden. They have even
drawn up an official rule book for the sport, more politically
They compare athletic work
on the pole with
on the parallel bars, emphasizing core
and upper body
strength requirements. They implore
the general public to see
validity as a sport. And we do,
quite clearly. Promotional muscles splayed
beneath barely-there bikinis in the ads and articles begging
petition signatures. They want to qualify
as an exhibition (how
sport for the London 2012 Olympic games.
So far 6,000 supporters from 50 countries are active
backing this most recent manifestation of blatant sexual
meeting my indignation with bemusement (I am
just jealous of the female
athletes bodies) and/or
righteous outrage (these girls
have valid technical skills). I bet
they do. So tell me, officially,
in your very best I-am-
is there not a single mention anywhere
of a male division . . .