London mayor Boris Johnson's annoying "Get ahead of the games"
announcements on public transport have been silenced from today. The over
emphasis on possible travel chaos has been blamed by London's tourist
businesses for a drop in profit as the usual visitors stay away whilst the
Olympic goers are... at the Olympics!
Boris' whereabouts were uncertain until our eagle eyed snapper
spotted him in the Olympic park, possibly strung-up by aggrieved central London
T. apart from the last bit...
Jubilee fever grips Britain
As if it wasn't enough to have the yawn-inducing Olympics in
London this year, the Queen has only gone and had a 60th anniversary at the
same time! Never mind though, the ever respectful media (us included) are
treating it with the reverence it deserves.
For instance; the Daily Mail has reported that the well-known
supplier of underpants, Marks & Spencer, have lauched a new range of 1950s
inspired underwear to mark the occasion (how inappropriate) and illustrated it
with this lovely picture.
Any gentlemen amongst you who would like to see the full size
version (and a rear view) are at liberty to click on the image, but I must warn
you that it will direct you to the Daily Mail web-site...
Splendid new Olympic landmark unveiled!
In addition to the vast area of East London covered in
soon-to-be-mothballed sports stadia, a marvellous new waste of time and money
has been unveiled today.
Taller than the Statue of Liberty, the ArcelorMittal Orbit
tower is a tower that's not a tower, as it serves no practical purpose and
looks like a half finished roller-coaster or collapsed crane. Hopes that it
might provide an exciting helter-skelter ride were dashed when it was revealed
that all visitors could do was ride up and down in a lift. Wow. A London 2012
insider said "Um, it's art isn't it, nobody is supposed to like it, it'll grow
on you... I hope "
A more on-message aparachik described it as "thought
provoking". Right, well at least we can use it as cell-phone tower when the
games is over..
Cruisin for a drownin
This is the chief steward speaking, I hope you are enjoying
Magnifico Cruises latest trip around the oceans of the world. Id like to
reassure all passengers that the loud crash and shudder is nothing to worry
about and our highly skilled multi-national crew will be sorting it all out
once theyve tracked down the translator. On the starboard side you can
see the sky and on the port side you can see the water, this is due to the list
which is no more than a slight inconvenience. Unfortunately tonights
banquet has had to be cancelled due to the kitchen having exploded. Sandwiches
and crisps will be served on the wall of the grand dining room whilst the crew
try and get the engines started again. Please dont worry about the smoke,
the engines always tend to cough a bit when theres water in the fuel.
Im afraid the Captain will not be at his table tonight
as he is five miles away in the only lifeboat we have managed to launch so far,
but he sends his best wishes. If anyone has a mobile signal could they please
call the coast guard, just a precaution, nothing to worry about. I'd also like
to assure you that there are no icebergs in these waters...
It was fairly sensible advice to suggest that we
topped-up our tanks in anticipation of a strike by tanker drivers,
thought Cabinet Office Minister Francis Maude earlier this week. The strike
would have, obviously, lead to a fuel shortage.
And so it came to pass that we are now in the middle of a fuel
shortage, caused not by a strike, but by everyone topping-up at
once. Whod have thought it eh? A government minister opening his mouth
before engaging his brain.
Its ironic that the drivers dispute is over safety
concerns and now we have one person badly burned whilst decanting petrol near a
gas cooker and the tanker drivers being given permission to work 11 hour days.
A great step forward in safety Im sure youll agree?
Be assured that Winamop operates to the very highest
journalistic standards, all our stories are rated for truthfulness (if only the
tabloids would do that!). We also drink vast amounts and are experts at bugging
phones, shoving our feet in your doors and our cameras in your tear-stained
T = True story
MT = Mostly true
L = Lies
PL = Probably Lies
LF = Lies based on Facts
UB = Utter Boll... err.. Balderdash!
Note: To comply with time-honoured journalistic practices, we
only use single sources and never check our facts. If we cannot obtain firm
information we make it up.
Rupert made us do it!