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August 1st
London mayor Boris Johnson's annoying "Get ahead of the games" announcements on public transport have been silenced from today. The over emphasis on possible travel chaos has been blamed by London's tourist businesses for a drop in profit as the usual visitors stay away whilst the Olympic goers are... at the Olympics!
Boris' whereabouts were uncertain until our eagle eyed snapper spotted him in the Olympic park, possibly strung-up by aggrieved central London business owners.
T. apart from the last bit...
Jubilee fever grips Britain
As if it wasn't enough to have the yawn-inducing Olympics in London this year, the Queen has only gone and had a 60th anniversary at the same time! Never mind though, the ever respectful media (us included) are treating it with the reverence it deserves.
For instance; the Daily Mail has reported that the well-known supplier of underpants, Marks & Spencer, have lauched a new range of 1950s inspired underwear to mark the occasion (how inappropriate) and illustrated it with this lovely picture.
Any gentlemen amongst you who would like to see the full size version (and a rear view) are at liberty to click on the image, but I must warn you that it will direct you to the Daily Mail web-site...
May 11th
Splendid new Olympic landmark unveiled!
In addition to the vast area of East London covered in soon-to-be-mothballed sports stadia, a marvellous new waste of time and money has been unveiled today.
Taller than the Statue of Liberty, the ArcelorMittal Orbit tower is a tower that's not a tower, as it serves no practical purpose and looks like a half finished roller-coaster or collapsed crane. Hopes that it might provide an exciting helter-skelter ride were dashed when it was revealed that all visitors could do was ride up and down in a lift. Wow. A London 2012 insider said "Um, it's art isn't it, nobody is supposed to like it, it'll grow on you... I hope "
A more on-message aparachik described it as "thought provoking". Right, well at least we can use it as cell-phone tower when the games is over..
MT
April 1st
Cruisin’ for a drownin’
This is the chief steward speaking, I hope you are enjoying Magnifico Cruises latest trip around the oceans of the world. I’d like to reassure all passengers that the loud crash and shudder is nothing to worry about and our highly skilled multi-national crew will be sorting it all out once they’ve tracked down the translator. On the starboard side you can see the sky and on the port side you can see the water, this is due to the list which is no more than a slight inconvenience. Unfortunately tonight’s banquet has had to be cancelled due to the kitchen having exploded. Sandwiches and crisps will be served on the wall of the grand dining room whilst the crew try and get the engines started again. Please don’t worry about the smoke, the engines always tend to cough a bit when there’s water in the fuel.
I’m afraid the Captain will not be at his table tonight as he is five miles away in the only lifeboat we have managed to launch so far, but he sends his best wishes. If anyone has a mobile signal could they please call the coast guard, just a precaution, nothing to worry about. I'd also like to assure you that there are no icebergs in these waters...
LF
March 29th
Forecourt fiasco
It was fairly sensible advice to suggest that we “topped-up” our tanks in anticipation of a strike by tanker drivers, thought Cabinet Office Minister Francis Maude earlier this week. The strike would have, obviously, lead to a fuel shortage.
And so it came to pass that we are now in the middle of a fuel shortage, caused not by a strike, but by everyone “topping-up” at once. Who’d have thought it eh? A government minister opening his mouth before engaging his brain.
It’s ironic that the driver’s dispute is over safety concerns and now we have one person badly burned whilst decanting petrol near a gas cooker and the tanker drivers being given permission to work 11 hour days. A great step forward in safety I’m sure you’ll agree?
T
Be assured that Winamop operates to the very highest journalistic standards, all our stories are rated for truthfulness (if only the tabloids would do that!). We also drink vast amounts and are experts at bugging phones, shoving our feet in your doors and our cameras in your tear-stained faces.
Key:
T = True story
MT = Mostly true
L = Lies
PL = Probably Lies
LF = Lies based on Facts
UB = Utter Boll... err.. Balderdash!
Note: To comply with time-honoured journalistic practices, we only use single sources and never check our facts. If we cannot obtain firm information we make it up.
Rupert made us do it!
