Here in your soaraway Winamop Times we bring you all the
candidates for prime-minister of the (dis)United Kingdom.
Theresa May Conservative
Replaced David Cameron as Prime Minister when he flounced
off in a huff after ballsing up the remain campaign.
Hasn't been elected as prime Minister, just got the job by
being in the "right place right time" but will do anything to remain in power.
Campaigned to stay in the EU but now promises to take
Britain out. Has no principles as far as we can see.
Considered sexy by Tory MPs. Has a lot of shoes.
Jeremy Corbyn (what's) left
of the Labour Party
Elected as Labour leader by a lot of lefties pining for
the good old days when they were never in government.
Fulfilling remit as polls would seem to suggest that
they'll never be in government again.
Lives in a trendy champagne-socialist area of London and
is thus entirely unaware of how the rest of the country works.
Eats carrots and wears brown brogues.
Nick Clegg Liberal
Oh no, hang on... it's not him any more is it? He lost his
seat at the last election after his great success in coalition.
They got some no-hoper in instead, now what was his
Ah yes I've got it. It's Wallace off of Wallace and Gromit
isn't it? His name is..
Tim Farron Liberal
If you only had eight people from which to choose a party
leader you'd probably end up choosing Tim.
No? Oh go on, he's quite harmless bless him. He's a
Christian you know. He recently managed to get into a controversy about whether
he approved of gay sex. "Not just now thanks, I'm on the radio" would've been
the best reply but he had to umm and err about it until it was all over the
Nobody asked the others about gay sex, perhaps they had
more important things to discuss?
Still, it deflected the media from his lack of good policy
Wears suede loafers.
UK Independence Party
Took over from popular man-about-pub Nigel Farage when
Nige saw the writing on the wall and left to suck up to Donald Trump.
Comes from Liverpool and therefore considers himself a
Led his party to a total wipeout in the recent council
elections but considers that UKIP's future is "very bright".
Probably wears trainers..
Sturgeon Scottish Nationalist
Took over from previous fish-surnamed leader Alex
Salmon(d) and led the party to almost total domination of the Scottish
Amazingly she has 56 of the 650 MPs in Westminster. 56!
There are only 5 million people in Scotland for goodness sake. 56? Talk about
punching above your weight!
The SNP have only one policy, to leave the UK. The clue is
in the name. Problem is, an awful lot of Scots voted for Brexit so leaving the
UK too would leave them a little short of subsidies to live on.
Probably best to keep your head down and go with the flow
Wears very small vey smart shoes chosen by her image
Caroline Lucas Green
Shares leadership with some bloke who we never see.
Seems like a nice lady.
Not a snowball's chance in Hell of getting to be PM.
Wears biodegradable shoes.