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In the current edition of your bore-away Winamop Times:

Latest:

The top stories

Feature:

Page 94, our satirical essay. Cheer up, it could be worse..

News archive yesterday and beyond...

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Election 2017

The runners and riders

by our political correspondent Bert Kuenssberg

 

And they're off!

The all new exciting "snap" election 2017 is go!

Here in your soaraway Winamop Times we bring you all the candidates for prime-minister of the (dis)United Kingdom.

 

  • that womanTheresa May Conservative

    Replaced David Cameron as Prime Minister when he flounced off in a huff after ballsing up the remain campaign.

    Hasn't been elected as prime Minister, just got the job by being in the "right place right time" but will do anything to remain in power.

    Campaigned to stay in the EU but now promises to take Britain out. Has no principles as far as we can see.

    Considered sexy by Tory MPs. Has a lot of shoes.

     

  • that blokeJeremy Corbyn (what's) left of the Labour Party

    Elected as Labour leader by a lot of lefties pining for the good old days when they were never in government.

    Fulfilling remit as polls would seem to suggest that they'll never be in government again.

    Lives in a trendy champagne-socialist area of London and is thus entirely unaware of how the rest of the country works.

    Eats carrots and wears brown brogues.

     

  • cleggyNick Clegg Liberal Democrat

    Oh no, hang on... it's not him any more is it? He lost his seat at the last election after his great success in coalition.

    They got some no-hoper in instead, now what was his name?

    Ah yes I've got it. It's Wallace off of Wallace and Gromit isn't it? His name is..

     

  • Tim blokeTim Farron Liberal Democrat

    If you only had eight people from which to choose a party leader you'd probably end up choosing Tim.

    No? Oh go on, he's quite harmless bless him. He's a Christian you know. He recently managed to get into a controversy about whether he approved of gay sex. "Not just now thanks, I'm on the radio" would've been the best reply but he had to umm and err about it until it was all over the press.

    Nobody asked the others about gay sex, perhaps they had more important things to discuss?

    Still, it deflected the media from his lack of good policy ideas..

    Wears suede loafers.

     

  • peanutPaul Nuttall UK Independence Party

    Took over from popular man-about-pub Nigel Farage when Nige saw the writing on the wall and left to suck up to Donald Trump.

    Comes from Liverpool and therefore considers himself a comedian.

    Nobody's laughing.

    Led his party to a total wipeout in the recent council elections but considers that UKIP's future is "very bright".

    Unlike his.

    Probably wears trainers..

     

  • jimmy crankieNicola Sturgeon Scottish Nationalist

    Took over from previous fish-surnamed leader Alex Salmon(d) and led the party to almost total domination of the Scottish parliament.

    Amazingly she has 56 of the 650 MPs in Westminster. 56! There are only 5 million people in Scotland for goodness sake. 56? Talk about punching above your weight!

    The SNP have only one policy, to leave the UK. The clue is in the name. Problem is, an awful lot of Scots voted for Brexit so leaving the UK too would leave them a little short of subsidies to live on.

    Probably best to keep your head down and go with the flow eh Nicola?

    Wears very small vey smart shoes chosen by her image consultant.

     

  • nice ladyCaroline Lucas Green Party

    Shares leadership with some bloke who we never see.

    Seems like a nice lady.

    Not a snowball's chance in Hell of getting to be PM.

    Wears biodegradable shoes.


MT.


 

Be assured that Winamop operates to the very highest journalistic standards, all our stories are rated for truthfulness (if only the tabloids would do that!). We also drink vast amounts and are experts at bugging phones, shoving our feet in your doors and our cameras in your tear-stained faces.

Key:

T = True story

MT = Mostly true

L = Lies

PL = Probably Lies

LF = Lies based on Facts

UB = Utter Boll... err.. Balderdash!

Note: To comply with time-honoured journalistic practices, we only use single sources and never check our facts. If we cannot obtain firm information we make it up.
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