Aliens coming to earth: Advice on timing
If you land in the fourteenth century, theyll probably
think youre God
and, since youre all green and really quite
small, they will tend to think it odd
that you havent got beards or
angel wings or arrive with a harp on a cloud;
youll die of the Black
Death anyway; they were quite an unhealthy crowd.
Fetching up in the sixteenth century, youd be a
theyd tie you and your ships to big wooden steaks and
set fire to the whole damn lot;
anything made out of nice shiny cloth would
be liable to requisition
and, if you do actually have little green balls,
theyd be subject to Inquisition.
Coming down in the eighteenth century, youll think them
a bunch of prigs,
wafting white powder everywhere and poncing around in
Youll wonder about houses for coffee and bottles of gin
mind, after one or two glasses of that you wont really
Arriving in 1953, youll need to be good at sports;
youll need to play up and play the game and generally be good sorts.
Otherwise, youll find yourself bent right over your spaceship bonnet
with your little green bottom up in the air and a thin cane descending upon
Opting for 1967 could well be a comfortable spot
your little green kids will mumble about love and be going slowly to pot.
Youll wear ghastly kaftans and sit cross legged, with others of
and it wont be the wind between your ears which will
slowly be blowing your mind.
Your landing in 1979 will be with a bump and a jerk;
theyll be jumping and bouncing around your ship and spitting on your
Dont bother too much about dressing up and keep well away
from the mobs;
theyll be desperate enough, in a very short time, to
be pestering you for jobs.
Parking up in 1990, youll need to watch how you go;
all the white powder lined up everywhere is not necessarily snow.
Youll be just in time to see La Thatcher succumb to the last attack
and, if you know which planet the woman is from, for pitys sake take
And if you should choose to opt for now, our time has a lot to
though youll need to arrive with many green notes if you want to
buy somewhere to live;
if no-one should turn up to meet your landing,
dont worry, everythings fine,
its just that no-ones
interested much; were all far too busy online.
A Yacht in the Bay
To watch, through your special binoculars, the hoy palloy walk
to be absolutely accepted as a member of Cannes social
to sit in mahogany board rooms and have an abundant say
wear your own little captains hat on a big white yacht in the bay.
A trophy wife, who can smile and flirt without letting it get
out of hand;
an efficient P.A. who will seek to ensure that your office is
a party manager with a gift for creating the do of
which is carefully structured but never quite loses a
soupcon of wild spontaneity.
A new car that does five gallons a mile and resembles a huge
a fluttering woman to wave you goodbye who doesnt look
like a tart;
memberships of the finest clubs where messieurs drink cognac
to build self-esteem to an apex point where moi-meme
promotes to mon dieu.
In the modern west, these are ideals that define punters
to consume without undue concern for the shares due to poorer
to float round on boats, drinking like fish and generally having a
to persuade yourself that your money makes you the idle idol for all.
The Forrest Boy
1986 - Round the bend from the Close to the Avenue
up in suitable blue boy pram
the new Forrest pride, John like his Grampy.
Mrs Spicer emerges for clucking and gooing
and carefully mentally notes
to snake out later in Mr. Spicers ears.
Pearson stops in mid-toddle
to grieve for her own imperial pram days
this diminished present of infant upstarts.
1996 - Round the bend from the Close to the Avenue
like boys who have demons pursuing,
Johnny noise machine, shouting and
Mrs. Spicer raises tired eyes to the ceiling,
to seen and not heard
and later nostalgic mutual Spicer whinge.
Jennifer jerks away from her mirrors
to tut a disgust at the amok boy
messing her periphery like mongrels let loose.
2001 - Round the bend from the Close to the Avenue
John Forrest and three hooded friends,
languid rebels at the sadness of
Mrs. Spicer pulls curtains half way across
and vows Mr. Spicer
a serial of griefs
until all the locks and alarms are upgraded.
turns and nods, like nightmare confirmed;
her lips purse to straight; she
thinks of her Darren,
the good lads, the bad lads, the ones in between.
2006 - Round the bend from the Close to the Avenue,
practice running in vest and short shorts,
Forrest, the Clubs new
Mrs Spicer flicks eyes and flicks eyes again,
has a good look behind camouflage curtain,
sighing for shoulders, wide-eyed
Jennifers mouth falls open and stays there,
local pest monkey just turned mega-hunky,
so many lush lads and so little
2011 - Round the bend from the Close to the Avenue
brand new shiny car has to pause
as young champion Forrest is
Mrs. Spicer says she always had known it,
maintains diplomatic silence,
looking, sideways, at her shouting and
From the passenger seat, Jennifer smiles
as gurgling John
Junior does an unmentionable
and Daddy decides its time to push on.