seems like a great guy...
Home sweet home Latest site info Poetic stuff Serious stuff Funny stuff Topical stuff Alternative stuff Shakespearian stuff Musical stuff
  click here for a "printer friendly" version

Paid For By The Committee To Elect Bob Benton.

By Dan Morey


During this term as Rexdale County Executive, Jerry Bucklin took a 75% pay raise. He is also the only elected official in the history of the county to use your tax dollars to purchase and feed an Amur leopard cub.

Let’s look at the record.

In just four years, Jerry Bucklin increased your property taxes, garbage and sewer rates, and dog license fees. It now costs you an extra 45% every year to share your home with man’s best friend. And what about people who really love dogs—people like me who might have anywhere from ten to thirty Pit Bulls and/or Rottweilers dispersed around their property. Imagine what this new fee is costing us.

Why does Jerry Bucklin hate dog owners? Because Jerry Bucklin hates dogs. Ever since his leopard cub had that altercation with my Rott, Gnarly, in Gorman Park (an altercation in which Gnarly clearly proved himself the superior animal) Jerry Bucklin has had it in for dogs.

While the law-abiding, canine-loving citizens of Rexdale are drowning in new taxes and license fees, Jerry Bucklin is kicking back with his illegal leopard cub and enjoying a massive raise. And did he stop there? Oh no, not Jerry. Not when he still had plenty of your hard-earned tax dollars to spend on an orangutan. That’s right. Jerry Bucklin had an endangered Sumatran orangutan shipped all the way from Indonesia because his Amur leopard cub was feeling “lonely.” Do you know how much it costs to import an orangutan? Neither do I. Why? Because I’m a regular guy—a dog guy. I don’t collect illicit exotic animals. Also, I’m not crazy. Unlike Jerry Bucklin, who is all kinds of crazy.

Just look at what’s happened to our streets over the last four years. They haven’t been this bad since the county was founded. I’m talking about the days of horses and buggies and trench sewers. I would rather trudge through the rutted, dung-filled thoroughfares of Victorian Rexdale than drive my Humvee on Elm Street today. And this is a military-approved armored vehicle, rated to absorb a mid-range IED explosion! I could safely cruise the streets of Kabul with a George Bush bumper sticker, but would I drive over a Rexdale pothole? No way! They’re so deep, I looked down one and saw a Chinaman. I always knew Jerry Bucklin was a communist, but this is ridiculous!

So who’s in charge of the streets under Chairman Bucklin’s regime? His brother-in-law, that’s who. The same brother-in-law who was a person of interest in the 2010 underage foot-fetishism sting. This bona fide pervert is being paid $198,000 a year (out of your tax dollars!) to sit on his rump and watch videos of little girls’ feet while our streets go to utter hell. Thanks, Jerry Bucklin.

I know what some of you are thinking. “What about your brother-in-law, Bob? Wasn’t he apprehended, in a state of undress, outside an elderly woman’s window back in ’06? Didn’t the papers refer to him as ‘The Pear Street Peeper’?” Maybe so. But my sister is seriously considering a divorce, and, unlike Jerry Bucklin, I currently have no plans of appointing my brother-in-law to a government position.

And what about real crime? I’m not saying window peeping is okay, but compared to what’s going on in Rexdale these days, it’s pretty minor stuff. Since Jerry Bucklin eliminated 2 police officers and 5 neighborhood watch programs, the number of burglaries in the county has increased by over 1200%! (Source, a cop). We might as well be living in South Africa. Because of Jerry Bucklin I’m looking out my kitchen window at a ten-foot-high brick wall topped with prison-grade razor wire. I can’t even let my Pit Bulls off their chains anymore because of all the landmines and spring-guns I had to install in the yard. Nice job, Jerry. Way to put taxpayers first.

Sort of makes you wonder what Jerry Bucklin has planned for his next term. I can’t guarantee you he’ll give himself another raise, but I can tell you that orangutans are expensive. Jerry Bucklin spends more on a one-month supply of monkey diapers than most of us do in a year at the grocery store. Is that where you want your taxes going? Over to Jerry Bucklin’s mansion to keep his orangutan in fresh nappies?

I didn’t think so.

Come Election Day, remember the pay raise, the Amur leopard cub, the orangutan, the dog-hating, the potholes, the communism, the sicko brother-in-law, the rampant crime, the monkey diapers—and elect Bob Benton, the sane alternative.



Rate this story.

Copyright is reserved by the author. Please do not reproduce any part of this article without consent.


© Winamop 2014