Mrs. Mazzoli and I had just gotten into her bed when we heard
the door open downstairs, then a voice calling, Maria, where are
Its my husband, said Mrs. Mazzoli..
I thought he was away for the weekend, I said.
Well, hes back. Quick, get under the bed. If he
finds you hell kill you.
In a second I was under the bed. Luckily, Id had time to
put my pants back on.
Heavy footsteps came up the stairs. There you are. In bed
at three in the afternoon?
I was taking a nap.
A nap? Youre tired from doing what? The house
downstairs is a mess. You should have been cleaning up.
Thats the maids job.
Mr. Mazzoli was right. His wife wasnt a good housekeeper.
I saw a lot of dust balls under the bed. Too many. I sneezed.
Whats that? An upside-down face appeared under
the bed, an angry face.
I slid out from under the bed and stood up. Me. Mazzoli bore an
uncanny resemblance to Tony of the Sopranos TV show. He was big and
burly and now he was scowling just like Tony when discovering someone had
ratted on him.
Who the hell are you?
Im Fred, the delivery boy. Id just
graduated high school. My friend Jack worked at this expensive market,
delivering things to upscale houses around town.. Hed gotten me my job,
telling me there were a lot of hot housewives out there. Mrs. Mazzoli was one
of them, but I hadnt counted on a meeting with Mr. Mazzoli.
This is my husband, Ambrose, Maria said to me, as if
wed just bumped into one another at some social function.
Glad to meet you, sir, I said.
Glad to, wait a minute, you were in my wifes
bedroom. Im going to kill you, said Tony, uh, Ambrose.
Dont be silly, said Maria. We
werent doing anything.
Then why was he hiding under the bed?
Because I know how jealous you get, without any good
reason. I didnt want you to hurt him.
What was he doing up here?
I thought I saw a spider in the bathroom and he came up to
kill it. You know how I hate spiders.
Mr. Mazzoli looked unconvinced. Thats some
story, he said.
Its true. If you were here more often, I
wouldnt have had to depend on some delivery boy to protect me. Half the
time youre away and Im left all alone.
I have business to take care of.
I wondered what business that was. Had he whacked somebody
sooner than expected and thats why he was back early?
Its always business, business. What about me? I
count, too, you know.
Yeah, I know, baby. Im sorry.
Sorry? I was amazed at how shed turned the tables on him.
Hed almost found his wife with me, the delivery boy, in her bed, and here
he was, telling her he was sorry. Women were incredible.
Well, now that youre back you can take me out to
dinner tonight. Ive been stuck in the house all by myself all week.
Okay, to that ritzy joint, the one you like.
Here I decided to interrupt the love fest. Uh, Ill
be going now, Mr. And Mrs. Mizzoli. Before they could say anything I ran
down the stairs, out of the house and into my van. Id escaped.
When I got back to the store I told them I was quitting. The
next week my friend Jack told me he was quitting, too, to go out to Idaho to
get a job in the Forestry Service. I went with him. In the forest thered
be no more women to worry about, just snakes and bears. Thats what I