The Council on Earth
Matters Meeting, December 31, 2021
On the planet Spielberg, in
a distant galaxy light years away and light years more advanced than Earth, the
Council on Earth Matters was having its annual year-end
meeting. As readers may know, the Council was formed when it
was discovered that intelligent life had somehow developed on the minor planet
Earth, although in view of Earths history of wars, famines, plagues,
natural disasters and more recently the Corona-9 pandemic, tweeting, Facebook,
reality TV, rap music, iphones, Donald Trump, Joe Biden, AOC and Antonio Brown,
a majority of Council members doubted this.
In any case, it was feared
that Earth might advance to achieving intergalactic travel and therefore
contaminate the universe. Just in the last year, another
minor planet, Euphemesta, in another galaxy, had showed signs of hostility
toward their neighboring planets and a close watch was being kept on them.From
the start, a majority of the Council had advocated doing away with the Earth, a
simple matter for one of their space battleships. However, a
minority had always managed to stave off this solution, citing a variety of
reasons: humankinds aspirations for peace on earth and good will
toward men (never coming close to being achieved), some artistic achievements,
an occasional Einstein and DeVinci, Star Wars and the Fantasy Football
The Council Chairman asked
the Secretary to briefly summarize the Earths activity during the past
year. The major event, as in the year before, has been
the pandemic.With the vaccines available it seemed that things were improving
but now a new variant, called Omicron, has emerged, much more contagious, that
is sweeping over the United States and the rest of the world and it remains to
be seen if Earth can cope with it.
Isnt it true
that Donald Trump was replaced as United States president by someone called
Joe, er, Biden. That must have been an improvement,
said Smurff, the leader of the pro-Earth faction.
Trump is no longer
tweeting and that is at least a small improvement. Mr. Biden
was elected by in part by calling attention to Mr. Trumps ineptness at
handling the pandemic and blaming him for each and every one of the Covid
deaths that had occurred under his administration. Now even
more deaths have occurred under Mr. Bidens
administration. In his pronouncements on the pandemic Mr.
Biden boasts about all of his achievements, sounding very much like Mr. Trump,
and equally unconvincing.
But at least he
doesnt tweet, said Smurff.
Thats a minor
point, said Worff, the head of the anti-Earth faction.
Its clear that the pandemic, like everything else, has been
politicized and that the country is a hopeless mess.
What about the rest
of Earth? said the Chairman.
said the Secretary, referring to his notes. China is
threatening to invade Taiwan. Russia is threatening to invade
Ukraine. North Korea is as usual
threatening. Iran is getting closer to having a nuclear
weapon. Oh, yes, the United States has left Afghanistan to
the Taliban and the country is now on the verge of starvation.And the
terrorists are getting ready to make a comeback.
sound too promising, said the Chairman.
So lets put
this troublesome little planet out of its misery once and for all,
immediately said Worff.
Smurff. Perhaps this pandemic will end all human life
on the planet and that will save us the trouble and expense of
tactic, shouted Worff, pounding his fist on the table.
I demand a vote now.
The vote was taken and
announced by the Secretary. It is almost
unanimous, said the Secretary. With one
dissenting vote the Council declares that the Earth be exterminated
But what about the
Super Bowl, said Smurff. Cant we at least
The Super Bowl might
well be cancelled because of Omicron, said Worff.
Besides, Tom Brady has already won more than his fair
I lost my shirt
betting on the last Super Bowl, said the Chairman.
Somebody told me that Tom Brady was finally getting too
old. I should have known better. Besides,
Ive been told that Martin Whats-his-name whos been
chronicling these meetings for the Earth audience is getting tired of doing
them. No, the vote stands.
moment, an officer of the Spielbergian military entered the meeting room and
said, Excuse me for interrupting but weve just received word that a
space battleship has been launched from the planet Euphemestra and is headed
What? Why didnt we know of this
before? said the Chairman. Another intelligence
failure. Well see about the planet Earth after this
emergency. I must go to the situation room.
whispered Smurff under his breath.
What Worff said cannot be
translated into Earth language.
To be continued,