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2022 Earth Meet
by Martin Green



The Council on Earth Matters Meeting, December 31, 2021


On the planet Spielberg, in a distant galaxy light years away and light years more advanced than Earth, the Council on Earth Matters was having its annual year-end meeting.    As readers may know, the Council was formed when it was discovered that intelligent life had somehow developed on the minor planet Earth, although in view of Earth’s history of wars, famines, plagues, natural disasters and more recently the Corona-9 pandemic, tweeting, Facebook, reality TV, rap music, iphones, Donald Trump, Joe Biden, AOC and Antonio Brown, a majority of Council members doubted this.


In any case, it was feared that Earth might advance to achieving intergalactic travel and therefore contaminate the universe.    Just in the last year, another minor planet, Euphemesta, in another galaxy, had showed signs of hostility toward their neighboring planets and a close watch was being kept on them.From the start, a majority of the Council had advocated doing away with the Earth, a simple matter for one of their space battleships.    However, a minority had always managed to stave off this solution, citing a variety of reasons:  humankind’s aspirations for peace on earth and good will toward men (never coming close to being achieved), some artistic achievements, an occasional Einstein and DeVinci, Star Wars and the Fantasy Football League.


The Council Chairman asked the Secretary to briefly summarize the Earth’s activity during the past year.    “The major event, as in the year before, has been the pandemic.With the vaccines available it seemed that things were improving but now a new variant, called Omicron, has emerged, much more contagious, that is sweeping over the United States and the rest of the world and it remains to be seen if Earth can cope with it.”


“Isn’t it true that Donald Trump was replaced as United States president by someone called Joe, er, Biden.    That must have been an improvement,” said Smurff, the leader of the pro-Earth faction.


“Trump is no longer tweeting and that is at least a small improvement.    Mr. Biden was elected by in part by calling attention to Mr. Trump’s ineptness at handling the pandemic and blaming him for each and every one of the Covid deaths that had occurred under his administration.    Now even more deaths have occurred under Mr. Biden’s administration.    In his pronouncements on the pandemic Mr. Biden boasts about all of his achievements, sounding very much like Mr. Trump, and equally unconvincing.”


“But at least he doesn’t tweet,” said Smurff.


“That’s a minor point,” said Worff, the head of the anti-Earth faction.    “It’s clear that the pandemic, like everything else, has been politicized and that the country is a hopeless mess.”


“What about the rest of Earth?” said the Chairman.


“Let’s see,” said the Secretary, referring to his notes.    “China is threatening to invade Taiwan.    Russia is threatening to invade Ukraine.    North Korea is as usual threatening.    Iran is getting closer to having a nuclear weapon.    Oh, yes, the United States has left Afghanistan to the Taliban and the country is now on the verge of starvation.And the terrorists are getting ready to make a comeback.”


“That doesn’t sound too promising,” said the Chairman.


“So let’s put this troublesome little planet out of its misery once and for all,” immediately said Worff.


“Wait,” said Smurff.    “Perhaps this pandemic will end all human life on the planet and that will save us the trouble and expense of ---“


“Another delaying tactic,” shouted Worff, pounding his fist on the table.    “I demand a vote now.”


The vote was taken and announced by the Secretary.    “It is almost unanimous,” said the Secretary.    “With one dissenting vote the Council declares that the Earth be exterminated immediately.”


“But what about the Super Bowl,” said Smurff.    “Can’t we at least wait until …”


“The Super Bowl might well be cancelled because of Omicron,” said Worff.    “Besides, Tom Brady has already won more than his fair share.”


“I lost my shirt betting on the last Super Bowl,” said the Chairman.    “Somebody told me that Tom Brady was finally getting too old.    I should have known better.    Besides, I’ve been told that Martin What’s-his-name who’s been chronicling these meetings for the Earth audience is getting tired of doing them.    No, the vote stands.”


    At this moment, an officer of the Spielbergian military entered the meeting room and said, “Excuse me for interrupting but we’ve just received word that a space battleship has been launched from the planet Euphemestra and is headed our way.”


“What?    Why didn’t we know of this before?” said the Chairman.    “Another intelligence failure.    We’ll see about the planet Earth after this emergency.    I must go to the situation room.”


“A reprieve,” whispered Smurff under his breath.


What Worff said cannot be translated into Earth language.


To be continued, maybe..




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