Yesterday at lunch I
saw a man eating grass on toast.
Eva said it was chives,
but it definitely looked like grass to me.
Today in my honour
military parade, fly past by new F-36 fighters, banquet. Commuted 7 death
My daughters are in
high gudgeon. Have forbidden them to read novels, to set a good example to the
The proper reading
matter for the people is my Essential Works. Volume 3 published today. Have
decided everybody must learn off by heart at least 2 of them. There will be
tests. Dont care if the plebs are illiterate, thats no excuse.
Theyll really learn something their place if nothing else.
I shd have said here
yesterday that my wife Eva gave me this beautiful lockable diary and a gold
fountain pen for my 70 th birthday. Now Ive finally got
inflation down to 200% I have the time to use it. Other leaders sent the usual
stuff. Clara gave me a curious present the pop-up book of the organs of
the body. T gave me a dozen jeraboams, said he thought diary was a good idea,
with careful editing could be publishable + form part of my legacy. Talking of
which I will make contraception illegal and abolish abortion and all women
under 45 must have at least 4 children. Merit badge for those who have more
than 4? Need to increase our population, esp after pipe leak carnage
hundreds of morons turn up for free oil, and smoke! Told Max to stop those
leaks or it wd be his head. Thought for day if youre not in
control youre under control.
Poetry is alive and
flourishing in our wonderful land. Just read Shakiris birthday ode in
which he says I have beautiful hands, hands like the wings of a dove, psychic
hands. Cd make him a general. But we have about 30 already. So admiral of
fleet. No fleet, of course, but its just a mark of respect. Eva got
doctrate + she hasnt even been to university.
Thought for day
advance through technology!
Photoes of me
everywhere NOT ENOUGH. Need my image on bars of soap too, so am associated with
purity + cleansing.
Need new agricultural
policy so crops dont fail again. And trade deals!
Thought for day
change tomorrow today!
Really wish Eva was a
twin. Apparently Mobutu took his wifes identical twin as his consort and
that really disturbed people cos they cdnt tell the two women apart.
Read of Gengis Kahn the
fire of rage in his eyes cd only be quenched by his enemies blood. Yes!
Been a long
Thought for day
Kleptocracy = loyalty.
But ambassador in Beijing sold the embassy building and is now renting it back
from tycoon who bought it. Recall him at once + put him in charge of fixing
inflation (obviously bright).
Rumbles from World
Bank about our missing millions. Told them this was inapropriate level of
financial prudence + mind their own business.
National disgrace! May
not qualify for World Cup. Lost to Hungary 22-0! At home! Goalkeeper said cdnt
see properly for the smog but tosh - he shd be well used to that by now and
make allowances. He also said they cd have won if they hadnt let in the
first ten goals. Thats as maybe. But cant let this country be
humiliated on world stage. T had the team bastinadoed, said that would keep
them on their toes + has taken over as manager. World Cup glory beckons.
Everybody needs a fidus Achates like T a simply splendid deputy PM,
always there for me. Told nation in my broadcast England won the World Cup in
1966 + thanks to my personal intervention we will do so again with a
Saw on intranet the
German for condom is erektionsring. Ha! What can you expect from a nation that
calls a glove a handschuhe? Also I never realized how expensive those hitech
anti-pollution masks are that T always wears. With the matching black tie and
shirt - fashion statement, I suppose. I feel safe without one but each to his
own. Bionic pens and waterless washing machines also advertised what are
Thank god I live in a
civilized country. Look at the leaders in the dark countries! Saw on intranet
some bloody shah declared himself The Most Formidable Lord And Master Of The
Encyclopedia Britannica. Amin claimed he was the only president in direct
contact with God, and during the Yom Kipur war sent a telegram to the Israeli
govt saying I command you to surrender.
Our Chinese ambassador
has disapeared. Done a runner, T reckons + wdnt have got inflation down anyway.
He knows someone who will. Left it in his capable hands.
Went to Swan Lake last
night. Eva refuses to go to ballet, says cant take seriously men leaping
about with their equipment bulging out all over the place. Philistene. When I
got back she sneered and asked how was it. I said splendid actually, esp the
Ball Scene. She found that v funny for some reason.
Felt dozy all day,
hard to think
Pippa and Daphne in
tears yet again, so relented and let them read novels after all, but told them
to keep quiet about it.
Evas latest fad
RELIGION! Hope this as shortlived as all the others. That bloody bishop
shes seeing is aparently banging on about us needing a religious revival
+ God being a wonderful person to know, a colourful person to know + having a
suitcase of blessings for us. Maybe He cd revive our trade deal with the US,
tho I dont think weve got anything else they want. As a sop
introduce a new religious holiday? And ban beards. Muslim terrorists wear
Told T about the
bonkers bishop + he reckons hes just another cretin with brain damage
from all the air pollution. May be rite there are a lot of cretins
Ate giant toblerone
and got squiffy on black velvet. Go together v well!
Super BJ. But getting
bored with Clara. She shaves. Have started craving wench with hairy armpits, so
can loose myself in them, in the torrid forests of desire. At least shes
girlish. I love young chicken.
lifted, but intranet down bloody adwars again!
Aparantly Gantz died
last week. Cancer. Goody goody. Was once so drunk the plane he was on had to
land cos he was trying to eat his phone. Cant think why I made him a
judge. Think Ill turn his tomb into a public urinal.
Yummy tiramisu. But my
favorite is still gooseberry fool.
Had wicked was with
Clara (STW). Odd girl, almost moronic in some respects. Must have inhaled too
much bad air, ha ha. For her life is absolutely marvellous, apart from one tiny
cloud on the horizon she is convinced that at the age of 4 she swallowed
a crystal baby brand piano, whole.
Why is it so warm?
Read on intranet that Ronald Reagan once said that trees pollute more than cars
Can that be rite? Ask Dr Eva.
Asked Eva + she called
me a silly tiddly wink. Rude. Is the woman turning into some sort of
ecowarrior? Says chicken nuggets ad with dancing chickens is disrespectful to
chickens and contravenes their animal rights. Think shes loosing
Off to France tomorrow
to receive legion donneur. Am taking my portable loo so wont leave behind
me any samples which could yield vital health information. How cd you trust a
nation which spell their word for yes oui + not we(e)? Horribly difficult
language + when the French speak it they always sound like theyre showing
T has yet another PA,
a v young intern called Mira. Aptly named she IS marvellous. Sexy!
Phwoah! And I dont think she shaves her armpits!
The bastard smog
suddenly got worse and delayed return flight for HOURS. Headache back, nose
blocked, going to bed now.
Right to be suspicious
about the Frogs. New president had untrustworthy glasses and a parting that
goes all the way back. But absolutely superb creme brule cracked when
tapped with spoon. Bit better than Evas vegan sausages. Actually I have
gone through life being disapointed by sausages. As the actress said to the
bishop. V warm in Paris too.
Seem to remember Eva
waking me up holding up an empty sandwich bag + saying this is for your
thoughts. Doesnt make sense, must have been a dream.
We all love sweeties
and choccies and cakey but dental health is important, so will bring in law
making everybody floss at least once a day. Sold Dentacom floss monopoly.
Told Mira off colour
joke. Convulsed. Might be in there. T thinks so. Could get FP at
Rumpy pumpy with Mira. Right about
armpits! So chuffed I started singing on way to photo opp. T said I have a fine
baritone voice. Gave me brainwave Britains Got Talent. The PM singing
Land of hope and Glory just HAS to win. T wondered if it might be a bit
undignified. May have point. But keep on backburner.
Reports of people
starving in Kent. Kent!! T says rubbish. Must be the old fake news.
Read about some
brummie pleb with infestation of bugs in his ear! These slum people with their
slummy diseases and their slummy hords of snotty nosed kids! Thieving and
fighting and doing drugs all the time.
Mira says the animals
in Disneys Lion King are real. Not sure all are, but some clearly are.
Cough worse + now sinuses blocked too. Feel like eyes scraped on inside.
Reports of unrest in
Kent. Overexaggerated surely. Went to see Giselle. Also super. Eva asked if
there was a Ball Scene! Told her of course not, but I really enjoyed the scene
in which the Wilis came out. She laughed so much she peed on carpet. Why? Oh, I
get it. Ha bloody ha!
Not much happened
today. Apart from me getting merry. Oh yes, some chap protested against food
shortage by nailing his scrotum to a tree in Hide Park. T said it takes some
balls to do that. Just realized that may have been a joke.
Played stripsnap with
Mira. Won easily! Then interfered with her sexually. Nice. Gave her the pearl
Aparently hunger march
started in Bristol. Police broke it up. Fights, arrests, ho hum.
Parliament extended my emergency powers for another year. After I gave them
hefty pay rise and increased entertainment allowance. T said that wd do the
trick and he was rite. Double my salary and his.
Bought Eva that big
gold crucifix she saw on intranet. Got mellow on that French brandy and watched
old episodes of Dads Army. Great fun.
Now food riots in
Oxford (just oiks). Dont know whats up with people carping when
never had it so good. Weve stopped all migration what more do they
want? Tweeted am working tirelessly nite and day on the food issue. Told
Geoffrey to deal with it. Russia had bumper crops this year so he can fix up
some sort of deal with them. People rioting not good optically
My little cabbage Mira
gave me some horizontal comfort. Turns out shes a big ballet fan! Feel
closer than ever to her.
Watched Britains Got
Talent. Cd have beaten all of them easily esp the man spinning plates on sticks
and the flat chested topless lady harpist. Told Eva + she said I wd win as a
clown. Dont understand. Am singer not clown. Was she being
forc fac funny?
Mira showed me new
position called ride em cowgirl. Exciting!
Told T Evas
crack. He said women are like gongs they shd be struck regularly. I came
back with Happiness Is Not A horse, which foxed him. Dont often get the
better of him!
Unrest in east end. T
cracking down robustly. Dwarf of Death has died. Cancer. Am pissed to celebrate
(wine and beer how very queer).
Went to Dwarfs
funeral. Crematorium had FIRE EXIT sign. When I laughed and pointed this out to
Eva she told me to be quiet and show some respect. Bloody woman!
originally wanted to call his Bolero something else Fandango!
Ravels Fandango doesnt sound quite right. As if Remus killed
Romulus in their argument, so the new city was called Reme, and eventually
built up the Reman Empire. Sounds off.
Eva v bad tempered
today. Cold and stiff in bed. Like trying to roger a surf board. Cd she be
bonking the bonkers bishop? She sees a LOT of him.
Really annoyed by this
stupid stupid famine. T says its good for national order the great
unwashed are being thinned down and thinned out. But read on intranet in a
hospital in Southhampton when a woman gave birth three starving patients rushed
in and ate the afterbirth. Ew!!! These people are ANIMALS.
V sexy email from
cuddly wuddly Mira. Responded in kind.
Knew Geoffrey wd mess
up Russian deal so got Mediacorps Inc to leak an email of mine
castigating him for gross incompetence and sacking him. Have passed it on to
Boris. With a name like that he shd be able to deal with the old
China offered to send
food aid but Ministry of Trade cocked that up by setting customs fees for the
shipments. Anyway have nixed the whole thing. T reckons receiving foreign aid
is bad for our image. Suppose hes rite.
Announced with fanfare
bold new initiative Angels of Mercy. Basicly soup kitchens run by
ladies. Nigels idea. Gave it to his company.
Soup kitchens open.
Bit of a row with old Nigel T told him he cdnt charge for the bread.
Anyway panem et circenses. V funny ad for sanitizer imploding
Held rally, announced
famine officially over. Not greeted as warmly as I expected. T says a few
dissidents sabotaged the speakers that do the canned applause. Got
Eva told me to get
finger out re famine. Miffed. T said just ignore her, I am the best PM in
Eva showing off her
new designer handbag at reception, Evelyn-Whites wife said probably not a
good idea for a woman of Evas age to go round parading a bag that has
FOSSIL on it. Serve bossy boots right!
Now complaints not
enough soup kitchens, soup watery and bread hard. Some people never happy! T
said Nigel incompetent, give contract to Worldafood International.
Adwars again! But more
naughty emails with my little Miss Cuddles!
For my broadcast
to those who speak dismissively of Little Britain let me say this: I
will make Britain great again, this wonderful country of ours will reestablish
relations with our good friends in Wales and Scotland by spring, or early
summer at the latest.
Bloody Eva sulking
T says make Britain
great again was a superb tag and went down realy well. But life isnt all creamy
biscuits. Still complaints not enough soup kitchens.
Saw odd graffiti
ABSTRACT FLANS. And Esthers Esthetics is offering free hydrating
ampoules with exotic installers (wonder if there women?).
Need more Maltesers.
Pissed on wine again. Getting bored. Must try NEW drinkies.
Why are so many dying
of cancer? Or if not that alzheimers. Now its Gabriel. Not all that
sorry. Was a bit of a pain in the neck back when the cabinet had teeth, forever
sniping and scheming. North country originally and his father some sort of
bishop says Saint Donato killed a dragon by spitting on it. I say Balls (not to
her v touchy re religion now). T agrees with me its piffle.
Rugsuckers from Mars with Mira. Bad. But not as bad as Santa Claus Conquers the
I am Elagabalus the
astonishing highpriest of Emesa. Am Caligula wishing English people had one
throat so cd kill all with one cut. Am Domit am pissed actualy in my cups sir
drunk as a fiddlers bitch. On that marvellous marmalade flavoured vodka T gave
me makes change But only for breakfast hair of dog? Wish never had that
row with pops about wording of song Im a little electric train but sure
was rite but shd have been at his deathbed. Saw some jap ate fathers ashes so
he wd aways have him in his heart wonder if cd exhume
Hurled self into giddy
maelstrom that is rachmaninov second Symphony. Didnt do hangover much
good. Feeling a bit sic transit Gloria actually. Must be getting old. Used to
drink lot more with no ill effects. And used to be sharper. Dont think
Im acheiving all I cd. But still v virile! With my little poppet
Aqua alta bad again,
bloody useless flood defences! On diversion saw two adjoining oriental
restaurants called Ping and Pong (coincidence or deliberate?).
Winston not v well,
poor chap. Eva took him to the vet. Cd be dog-covid. HOPE NOT! Realy love that
As if not enough
trubble now a nuclear accident! Malcolm the Moron lost a fuel rod last year
(which I gather the mafia now have) and now hes managed a leak from
reactor no 2. Also admited some starving locals broke in and stole the animals
being used in experiments to eat. T said easy to catch the thieves as they
would glow in the dark, so thats something. Asked Malcolm to explain the
explosion + the bloody man said well something must have blown up. Cretin! Eva
wanted it hushed up completely, but T got Mediacorps Inc onto it, passed it off
as minor breach of security by eco terrorists, efficiently handled by Custodes
rapid response team, several suspects now in custody. I got police to tell
locals nothing serious and if afraid of radiation shd wear wool next to skin,
that wd protect them. The great british public will believe anything there told
by someone in uniform. T wants to sack Malcolm the Moron but cant do that
hes Evas little brother and she wd go balletic (already on a
rampage cos her favorite wooden spoon is missing and accuses ME of stealing
it). I thought old dead cat on table good idea create external enemy,
manufacture Irish incident and invade. T thought not. Will revisit
Off to get blotto.
Under HUGE amount of pressure, never thought job wd be as tough as
charity ball. But bumped into Grey George. Looks MUCH older than me. Lizard
skin + immensely bloated. Didnt seem drunk but cdnt string a sentence together.
Gods punishment for calling me the fat owl of the lower sixth. Bastard.
Reading to primary
school class. Wish I had a wishing chair so cd go off with Peter and Mollie and
Binkie and have little adventures with wizards and grabbit gnomes and then go
home to treacle toffee. LOVED those stories when nanny read them to me at
Wonder what sodomy is
like. Doing it to another, not having it done to one (my bottie is a temple).
Like to try it just once to see.
Weird dream. Was in
Godders class trying to do a sum on the board in front of the class and
cdnt do it cos I was halving the number when I shd have been dividing it by
two. Always was a bit of a duffer at maths. And French and
horsdouvres. T has GREAT parties. Managed to get my little poppet off into the
shrubbery for some alfresco fornication while he distracted Eva. She offered me
some back door action! Amazing coincidence rite after me thinking
might like that. Cdnt say I did like it realy. How about S + M?
Cough started up
again. Maybe the damp. No russia deal sack bloody Boris?
My name is Angus Prune
and this is my tune! Great repeat!
Winston on mend! Typical British
bulldog. Will be fine, just build him up with steak.
Who is this Otto
Jelinec Eva is now badgering me about? She Who Must Be Obeyed says hes
got some new scheme for succouring the starving masses. T reckons he sounds
like a bloated Prussian junker complete with monocle and fat cigar, ha ha.
Suppose Id better keep her happy by setting up a comission under this
Jelinec chappy. And Ill buy her that Barguzin sable coat she keeps on
about too. Anything for a bit of peace.
T says hell
handle the Russia deal, has some useful contacts. Good-oh.
Watched first episode
of We. Top notch. Like a nice dystopian drama series.
Liquid lunch. Needed
it! Another horendous storm, hail size of grapefruits. Thank god was in armored
SUV! Lots of proles pole-axed just standing there and goggling at the hail.
Suppose its the old global warming thing. At summit must announce more
targets, make new pledge. Tho Sebastian tells me its too late now actually. Oh
well, as T says, its not our problem, wont happen til after weve popped
off. Aprey moi le deluge and all that.
accused of sexual harassment named Slutski! Priceless!
Reminds me of that
American ambassador who said he had a blind goldfish that kept on swimming into
the side of its bowl. Wonder if it cd see its food.
She Who Must Be Obeyed
says Jelinec has just disapeared. Splendid news!
Now shes been
chuntering on about God and the green crap and the vegan crap and wont travel
in a car cos cars kill insects on the windscreen! Think shes realy
loosing it. V annoying. Also on about rumblings of discontent among the masses
+ beginnings of an uprising against me, all cos T was a trifle heavy handed in
putting down protests. Fiddle faddle! I raised the possibility of resurrection?
an uprising, with T and he poopoohed it. Said the notion of opposition has no
place in this countrys mental universe. And nobody could take exception
to our policies cos our political orientation is neither of the left nor of the
right nor entirely of the center. Quite! And the Angels of Mercy initiative has
now overcome initial glitches + in any case the public is still reeling from
Covid-24 + immensely grateful for 300 free TV channels and highspeed intranet
and all that. Sure hes rite. But told him maybe be a bit more discreet.
Finished off the last jeroboam with him. Made a pleasant change. Never got
pissed with me before. Great fun.
panky with Mira (turned up unexpectedly in my office). Did Mars bar
T off somewhere busy
all day but came later for a drinkie-poo or ten. Realy is funny (v dark sense
of humour) and relaxing. Said Mira told him I am a fine figure of a man and she
cd never look at another chap after me. Feel smug.
She Who Must Be Obeyed
told me I have the brains of a mollusc. Not sure about molluscs brains
but took as insult. The bloody woman realy is infuriating. Now she claims T has
tortured and executed people! Says one of his teem who was leaking info was
strapped to a chair and shot in the back. And some vicar died of tetanus caught
from rusty barbed wire used to tie his hands and for a crown on his head. And
some disident who disapeared weeks ago had a bottle broken up his rectum + the
shards lacerated his bowels + left him in agony for 6 days before he finally
died. Called T a slimy coniving hyena in a pin striped suit. T!! I just dont
believe it + when I put it to T he refuted it + said shes been nobbled by
that poisonous leftie bishop with his hidden agenda. Sure hes right, he
has a literally stellar mind. But maybe keep an eye on him?
All a bit of a worry
so consoled self with maron glaces and Mira. Lady Jane received my man Roger 3
times this afternoon! I cd bonk for Britain. On Britains Got talent??
Later heard gunshots again + an explosion. Just a storm in a teapot as T
reckons? Calmed self down by listening to the slow movement from Mahlers
Fifth. Awfully moving! Cant decide if thats my favorite piece of
music or Albinonis Adagio or Three little maids from School are we.
Having early nite worn out by all the worry + headache + sinus
MY DEAR MORON,
DIDNT IT ENTER YOUR TINY MIND THAT I JUST MIGHT KEEP THE SPARE KEY TO THE
DIARY I GAVE YOU AND CHECK THE ENTRIES? EVIDENTLY NOT. I CANNOT DECIDE IF YOU
ARE A COMPLETE AND UTTER TWAT OR JUST A COMPLETE TWAT. YOU ARE DIGGING YOUR OWN
GRAVE WITH YOUR DICK SCREWING THAT SCABROUS LITTLE SLUT, YOU DIRTY OLD
MAN. HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF SUPERSYPH? I DONT CARE IF YOUR TEENY-WEENY
BALLS DROP OFF AND GO PINGING AROUND THE ROOM, BUT IM NOT HAVING YOU
INFECT ME. IM GOING TO REVEAL ALL THE SORDID DETAILS TO THE TABLOIDS, END
YOUR EGREGIOUSLY DRAB CAREER AND DIVORCE YOU, YOU FAT, FORNICATING FUCKWIT. EVA
Bugger she found out!
About Mira. Shit hell of ashock to start theday with when saw her addition in
diary silly woman left it out on my desk open at the last page. Went to her to
plead with her she pretended not to know what I was on about said no spare key
and shed never written in dairy, then T dashed in and said her brother wanted
to see her urgently in ante room an emergency. Once she left told him all and
showed him dairy. He said if she made contents public wd be law suits my asets
frozen human rites issues tooo, also hed only just found out Mira is only 15
and a half wich was why hed turned up to tell me that. Press will have a field
day are pictures + she cd sell her story. Career over and wd go to jail. Other
stuff also wich I cant remember terrible terrible, didnt know what the
hell to do, T offered to save me but said Eva realy dangerous and had to go +
Mira had to be bought off. I said fine I was entirely in his hands. He smiled
said wd fix it. Hope he can. Ate two Kitkats + feel a bit better. Hope and pray
he can fix it. please lord please
6.06 PM He COULD!
Whoopee! Tremendous feeling of relief and liberation. Eva had unfortunate
accident, tripped fell down stairs. Twice, before neck broke. Oops! The worm
has turned. She was a real danger to me + what she wrote in the dairy was so
bloody rude! And hes bought off Mira and got the pictures (and wiped the
emails). VERY EXPENSIVE but worth EVERY penny. So grateful! What a
Now for a celebratory
piss up. Mustnt overdo it. Off to Palace tomorrow to be nited for services to
nation. Must ask the old king if he cant give T some sort of gong. He certainly
deserves one for getting me out of trubble. Free, free!!!