The Lescar is crowded. We hear the low
voices of the mainly male clientele vibrating and humming, interspersed with
occasional coarse laughter. The television is on and is turned up moderately
loud. It is showing Everton vs. Liverpool. Many students are in the pub,
cheering for one side or the other. The locals are just enjoying the
Four of them (Danny Noble, Jewish Dave,
Mayhem and a quantity surveyor from Stoke-on-Trent named Vernon) are sitting at
a table quite close to the television. It is now early evening on a Sunday ,
half past five or so, and they have been there since one oclock that
Hes good that Cahill.
Yeah. Fucking excellent. Hes got that
Yeah. Tenacity sortathing, es
right competitive like.
Good in the air too.
Yeah, hes scored some right
Hes a very tall man, isnt
(The assembled company are quiet for a
moment. We can sense their scepticism in their silence. We hear the sound of
smoke being drawn into lungs and desperate exhalations, punctuated with small
Not that tall.
Only about five eleven I think.
Hes about six foot two! He wins all
those headers and powers, really powers them into the net. He just
couldnt do that if he wasnt well over six foot. (Dave sucks
smoke from his roll-up, the gaps between his eye teeth and front teeth making a
sinister hiss as he does so).
Do they ave different fuckin
measures down south where youre from you Spurs bastard?
What do you mean, you Wednesday idiot?
Measures were invented down south.
By a Jew, no doubt?
Yes. Its a matter of historical record
that the first measures in England were brought by itinerant Jewish
Were they fuck!
Well who did bring them then?
I dont fucking know. The Romans
You dont know! That history
degrees not much use is it?
I didnt study fucking measuring
Alright lads. Jesus! Calm down will ya?
It was the Jews though.
Oh for fucks sake
Just leave it. Anyway, hes about five
nine. I saw it on the telly the other day.
Tim Cahills never only five nine!
Surely! If he is, then hes really good in the air.
Yeah, its that tenacity sortathing.
Gets him up in the air. Anyway, he only looks five eight or so to me.
Hes over six foot! How would
you know anyway. You couldnt measure
I work as a fucking brewer!
(splutters with laughter)
Whats that got to do wi owt! As
a brewer youre more likely to measure footballers and cocks?
As a brewer, I have to measure many things.
Much stuff. Its all to do with quantity int it?
Im a fucking quantity surveyor! And I
saw on telly hes only five nine!
Oh, it was on telly. It must be true.
(hiss of smoke exhalation)
We can fucking see him on telly cant
we? Are you saying we should be cynical about Sky Sports because its
making players look different sized to what they are or summat?
No! You Derby twat! All Im saying
That Tim Cahills over six foot.
Hes not. And brewers do ave to measure stuff
Yeah! But not footballers. Hes five
There is a massive oooohhh in
the background as Everton come close to scoring. As it dies we hear an exchange
from over the other side of the pub: Ave that ya scouse
bastard! Theyre all scouse bastards, you prick, its the
fucking Merseyside derby. Oh yeah. Still fuckin scouse
bastards though, ent they? Well, yeah
That were Cahill there. Came close.
Not with is ead though.
There is a roar of the crowd from the
television, some of the pub punters join in. We hear Martin Tyler (the
commentator)s voice report excitedly, A fantastic goal for Everton
from that corner! Cahill showing once again that almost magical prowess he has
in the air!
Cahill again! Header! Now look on the replay
at him stood against Hyppia. Hyppias about six five and Cahills
nowhere fucking near as tall!
Another voice from the telly, this time
that of Andy Gray, the summariser: Yes, he really does have that ability,
Martin. Look here, he really gets up, higher than Hyppia, who doesnt seem
to know hes even there, he arrives so late, and then, bang! Fetch that
out the net, son! Amazing, especially as we can see on the stats on the screen
there that hes only five foot eight or so. Amazing spring!
Alright Vern, stop grinning.
He were wrong! I were right. Five fucking
eight. Told ya that us brewers could measure!
Yeah, well, the perspective on the telly
shrinks and expands things in a funny way.
Shrinks!? You said he were six two!
Well, perspectives a funny thing. When
I was in the Civil Service
Hes still taller than all of us
Speak for yourselves. Im a healthy six
Well then, Tiny Tim, its your fucking
Awww, Id hoped you were all enjoying
the debate too much notice. Same again, lads?
Aye, goo on then!