Captain Wozzo. A children's story. By
Chapter 1. Captain who?
Come with me now, to a parallel existence where the impossible
is possible (you still can't get a decent cup of tea in the average cafe
though, what do they wash the cups in? I mean, it's not difficu..
<< Get on with it! >>
OK, just let me out of these
brackets.) That's "Ed" by the way, you'll recognise him by his intolerant
<< I'm not intolerant, I just want you to get on with
Right, so here we are in this parallel existence, it's much the
same as ours, nothing good on telly on a Saturday, but it does contain a
remarkable man, a man known as "Captain Wozzo". This is his story. Well a story
about him, if it goes well, I'll make up some more.. there could be books, a TV
series, the sky's the lim..
<< I said, get on with it!
The day dawned bright and sunny, birds twittered in the trees,
cats languished in the morning sun, the distant hills..
flowery this, isn't it? >>
Err, yes, OK. Anyway it was a nice
Inside Captain Wozzo's lab however, it was dark and gloomy, and
a bit smelly, in fact it was very smelly. What a pong! Blimey, the stench was
unbearable, poo-ya! What the heck was going on?
The Captain was preparing a new invisibility potion. He'd tried
this before but had only succeeded in making his clothes invisible, well
actually they rotted away and fell off, leading to his embarrassing arrest for
indecent exposure in Crigley High Street. "But I am invisible" he had protested
as they hauled him away, a strategically placed Policeman's helmet covering his
<< His embarrassment? That's a bit twee isn't it?
Oh, OK, his wobbly bits.
<< Much better, we'll
make a literary genius of you yet! >>
I've often wondered whether the policeman put his helmet back on
afterwards, I don't think I'd like to.
This was going to be different, Safeco had a toy sale and the
"Junior Arsonists Super Chemistry set with Real Explosions!!" (note the two
exclamation marks, it must have been really good!) was on special offer at 25
quid. So there he was, beavering away with tubes and bubbles and all the stuff
that mad inventors are supposed to have but mostly don't.
As we peer into the lab it seems that he has had had a success!
Well, he must have had, he's nowhere to be seen! Amazing! Invisibility at last,
the holy grail of modern alchemy! Oh, hang on a minute here he is, he'd just
popped out to get a spoon from the kitchen.. <<
"Hubble bubble, dum diddly dee" he sang as he added more blue
stuff to the greeny-yellow stuff and created.? the inevitable brown stuff. "Um,
looks like brown sauce, I wonder what it tastes like?" he mused, dipping his
finger into the bowl. "Ooh aaaah! Flippin Eck!, Blast!, Bother!, Fart!" This is
not the kind of behavior we expect from a top scientist and Super-Hero. It is,
however, exactly the kind of thing we have come to expect from Captain
"Flippety floppety friggin' fooo! That's hot!". He removed the
bunsen burner from beneath the bubbling potion and let it cool a little.
"Poo-ya, it smells a bit too.
<< A bit? That's an understatement.
Even my uncle Arthur's socks aren't that bad! >>
Did anyone ask
for your opinion?
<< No. >>
Right well then, I'll
The Captain was having a little trouble with his potion, now
that it had cooled it had set rock hard. "Bother, how am I going to try it
out?" The simple idea of hitting it with a hammer occurred to him, this simple
idea often occurred to him, especially when things weren't going too well. BAM!
Bits of potion flew all over the room, skittering across the floor like, errr,
well actually, it looked like treacle toffee!
"Hmm, perhaps if I suck a piece it will have the desired
effect?" He popped a small bit into his mouth. "Mmmm, unngh, earrrgh, mummf" he
chewed. An expression of puzzlement crossed his face, turned left at his ear
and ran down the back of his neck. It was replaced by a pained look and then a
large exclamation mark appeared above his head. "OOOOH Dear!" he cried and took
off at high speed towards the toilet.
Some time later, a little paler and a lot lighter, the Captain
returned to his lab and picked up all the pieces of his potion. He placed them
carefully into a brown paper bag and labelled it "Super strong Laxative". Most
of the Captain's best discoveries happened this way, happy accidents he called
them, but on this occasion he didn't seem too happy.
"Bother and blast!" he muttered, rummaging through an old chest
"I needed that invisibility potion for my next mission. I'll just have to make
do with my impenetrable disguises". He dragged out a tatty-looking suit made of
some kind of plastic with wires sewn into it. It was labelled simply "chameleon
The principle was simple..
<< Oh dear, not a
scientific explanation pleeease! >>
no honest, it's dead simple.
The suit was made of luminescent polymer << I knew it, complete
gobbledygook.. >> which would glow in different colours depending on
how the various layers were switched on. So if the Captain stood beside a red
wall, he just twiddled the controls until the suit took on the exact shade of
red of the wall, and he merged into the background. Simple eh?
Absolutely marvellous. Now get on with the story, my cocoa's getting cold.
The Captain packed his suit, his intergallactic thunder ray
(range, one metre), his toolkit and a large plastic box of cheese and pickle
sandwiches. "To infinity and a bit further" He cried, getting it wrong as
usual, and opened the garage door.
Inside the garage was one of the Captain's more successful
inventions, a high powered hover-car with a very tasteful stripe down the side
and a "GLX 16V" badge on the back that he'd found in a car park. This car was
capable of 150 miles per hour and would do 0 to 60 in 3 seconds. I say "capable
of" and "would do" advisedly as such performance would require; a: a
competent driver and; b: a high standard of maintenance.
"Crang crang crang!" went the starter, "pop pop pop!" went the
engine, "wibbly wibbly wibbly" went some other bit that wasn't supposed to make
a noise at all.
After a while a sort of "chuga-chuga" theme became the dominant
note. "Marvellous" marvelled the Captain "sweet as a nut" <<
Appropriate, that, really. >> Shut up, you're spoiling the story!
The Captain snicked the gearlever into first, pressed a button
on the dash and.. "Fiddly fuddly foo!" he cursed as the garage door shut in
front of him. He pressed various buttons, the lights came on, changed colour
and went off again, a strange brown smell pervaded the cockpit. "Faddle
daddle!" jab jab poke press mutter. "BANG!!" The car shot forward, the garage
door was thrown aside like, err well, like a garage door being thrown aside
<< Pathetic. You're not too good on simile today are you?
>> No, but that's not important right now. The Captain was on the
road and at the start of a new and dangerous mission. The Crigley one-way
system and beyond!
Chapter 2 The Enemy abroad.
It was a beautiful day. The sun shone
like a big yellow ball.
<<Do big yellow balls usually
Theres no poetry in your soul is
<<No. I trod on
Well the sun was shining anyway, and
Captain Wozzo was feeling cheery. He whistled a happy tune, it was good to feel
the wind in his hair.. err.. well it would have been in his hair if he had any,
but you get the idea.
Just then the Captains
hyper-ether-radio crackled into life Blasted thing! he complained,
always crackling, I must mend it.
Supreme President (Solar System)
here Wozzo, are you listening?
Eh? the captain exclaimed,
veering all over the road as he twiddled various hyper-ether knobs, Come
Its the Supreme President!
Pay attention! boomed the voice.
Ooh aah. Yes, err.. hello?
The Captain selected Jazz on the equaliser to see if that made the
Supreme President sound cooler.
Ah yes, thats Wozzo
alright the Supreme President (Solar System) continued
<<Cant we shorten that a
bit? If hes going to keep appearing itll use up far too many
Too many words? Is there a
<<Not when youre telling
OK, OK, well call him SPOTSS
from now on, is that short enough?
Supreme President Of The Solar
System, we cant
do brackets in an abbreviation.
Its the Pretavians again
Wozzo, theyre on the war-path. I want you to deal with
P P Pretavians? Wozzo
stammered. He didnt like the Pretavians, the last time hed come
across a Pretavian it bent his hat!
Where are they when theyre
Pretavia of course you idiot!
The problem is theyre not at home. Theyre in
Bu Bu Bu Bu Bu Bu But..
gibbered our intrepid hero.
Stop doing motor-boat
impressions Wozzo. I want you to track the blighters down and get rid of
em. Got it?
The Captain was just approaching a
road sign which indicated Crigley straight on and Other
Routes to the left. He wasnt sure where Other Routes
was but he was seriously considering going there anyway
And dont go bunking off
down that side-road, Ive got you on GUTS.
GUTS? queried the
Geo-Universal Tracking System.
You must have heard of it?
Oh, ah, hmm, yes, guts,
Of course Wozzo had no idea about
GUTS, hed been far too busy in his lab inventing much more useful systems
like LASOWS, the Liquorice Allsorts Special Offer Warning System. This scanned
the stock-control systems of all the major retailers looking for price
reductions on his favourite sweets.
Or CRAP, the Coconut Rejecting
Automatic Process which would remove the nasty coconut allsorts from the newly
opened bag and chuck them out of the window.
Go get em Wozzo said
the SPOTSS and the radio crackled out of life again.
There was nothing for it then,
SPOTSSs GUTS would follow him wherever he went. He headed for Crigley and
the Pretavians. At 23 miles per hour..
After five minutes a thought occurred.
The Captains thoughts often occurred quicker than that but he was a
little stunned by the news that his old enemy was back. He wondered what could
have brought them here again? Surely the fright hed given them with PONG
(Pretavian Oppilative Nerve Gas) should have kept them away for good. There
must be something here they really wanted, if only he knew what it
Now, you may be wondering what
Pretavians look like?
<<Oh yes! Im really-really
interested in what Pretavians look like. Do they wear trainers or boots? And do
they wear bobble-hats or baseball caps? Im dying to
Stop taking the mickey. This is
cant you put a few more jokes in?>>
Im doing my best but Pretavians
are nasty things. They are very difficult to see on account of them being so
small, and they travel by getting into peoples shoes.
<<Sorry I was just dozing off
there. I thought you said in peoples
Yes, you know? When youre just
having a nice walk, your shoes are comfy, alls well with the world and
then suddenly it dawns on you that theres something in your shoe.
Apart from that! Something small and
hard like a piece of grit.
<<Surely it is a piece of
Nope. Its a Pretavian.
<<You amaze me! What a load of
Shhh! Its their ultimate weapon
you see? No army can march for miles with grit in their boots, then the
Preatvians can attack!
<<From inside someones
shoes? Pretty difficult Id have thought.>>
No! They wait until the wearer takes
off his shoes to empty out the grit, then they attack! They get into
peoples eyes so they cant see properly and they steal their sweets.
<<They dont put the little
cardboard tray in those anymore. I miss the little cardboard
The Captain knew all this of course
and so had designed PONG so that it rendered the Pretavians allergic to
chocolate and odour-eaters.
<<Mmm! Chocolate and
Odour-Eaters. My favourite supper!>>
They could no longer travel and they
couldnt eat Bounties so they disappeared. The Captain got an OBE for
that, he can now sign himself Wozzo MDMscProfOBE.
Medical Doctor, Batchelor of soup,
<<You mean Science, surely?>> Oh yes, where was I?
Bachelor of Science, Professor and OBE.
What a man!
What a Wally! muttered the
Captain. He was stuck behind a man on a tricycle with a little box on the back
labelled Brians delicious coconut snacks.
As you may have guessed, the Captain
Get out of the way! He
shouted and pooped his horn
well it wasnt really a horn, it was
WATTS, (Wozzos Amplified Traffic Terrifying System) and it was seriously
The man on the tricycle leapt at least
a foot out of his seat and careered into the ditch whereupon he started
wrenching off his boots and then began rubbing his eyes!
The Captains blood ran cold..
He had found them...
<< "Dot dot dot" again eh? I
suppose we're going to have to wait another 3 years for the next chapter are
Um, well... no actually...
<< Stop it, you'll use up all the
Chapter 3 The Tower.
<<The Tower? Sounds like Lord of the
Yes but not as exciting, or good.
<<You're not exactly selling this are
Quiet! Let's get on with the story.
Captain Wozzo, savior of the world, defender of the galaxy,
mightiest brain in the universe, spoke.
"Org!" He said, feeling rather the worse for wear. "What
He tried to open his eyes, they were too sore.
"Aargh!" He added.
You see, the problem was that our hero had been captured by the
Don't be facetious, this is serious stuff. If he can't use his
super-powers to escape from this perilous predicament the whole world is facing
<<Excuse me, but what are you on about?>>
If he doesn't sort it out we're all in the poo.
<<Oh I see.>>
The Captain fumbled in his pocket. If he could activate his
chameleon suit he would appear to be invisible and..
<<Hang on a minute, how can he appear to be
invisible? If he's invisible he'd disappear wouldn't he?>>
Stop quibbling, I'm trying my best to generate some tension and
you keep spoiling it. Now my pencil's broken.
That's better. Now where was I? Ah yes, the chameleon suit. Now,
if only the Captain could find the remote control he'd be off in a trice. Or on
a bus, whichever was the cheaper. His fingers closed around a small plastic
case. He gingerly pressed one of the buttons.. "It's just coming up to almost
just past a quarter to three and now here's Sally with the traffic" came a
tinny voice followed by some terrible tootling jingle, like this: "doo
diddle-dee diddle doo diddle diddly, doo diddle-dee diddle doo diddle diddly.."
<<For goodness sake stop, I can't stand traffic jingles!>>
he clicked it off again. "Hmm, that isn't it, now where did I.."
After a bit more fumbling the terrible realisation came upon
him; the remote control was in the glove compartment of the Wozzo-mobile. Well
they tell you to do that don't they? "Lock your valuables in the glove-box"
they say and the Captain had done just that. His laser-guided nose-hair trimmer
was in there too, and his pack of tiny-teeny screwdrivers for undoing
tiny-teeny screws, and the key to his mum's garden shed. What a disaster, she'd
need the lawn-mower on Saturday.
After a while he finally managed to open one eye. Nothing!
Blackness. Inky gloom. <<OK OK we see, it's dark, right?>>
The Captain's mighty brain had soon sized up the situation.
"Futtocks!" he exclaimed, "There would have been no point in the chameleon suit
anyway, it's dark!" <<He's sharp as a knife isn't he?>> Yes,
you know he's a profobe of soup or something don't you? <<Err. I seem
to remember something about soup.. or was it soap?>>
Anyway, back to the story.
He decided to start walking, he would soon find something if he
After two steps he ran into the wall. "Mumph!"
he moaned, jumping up and down holding his foot. Crack! went his head on the
ceiling. "Oooh!" trying to keep quiet was becoming pretty difficult. Now that
he had discovered the wall he decided to feel around it until he found
something useful. First he found a damp patch which smelled of mould, then he
found a moldy patch which smelled of damp, finally he came upon a bit of pipe
which lead down to a switch on the wall. He pressed it.
A deafening siren started to wail "WeeeWaaa WeeeWaaa
Weee.."<<Yes, alright, we know how sirens go.>> "Fudge!"
muttered the Captain, "I thought it was the light switch."
Just then the door opened and the Captain felt himself being
lifted, ever so slightly, off the ground and carried along a still dark passage
towards a dimly lit door. <<Bit spooky this, isn't it?>>
Shhh! This is dramatic tension.
The door creaked open as they arrived, revealing a large boot
festooned with multi-coloured socks. The throne of the Chief Pretavian!
A tiny voice spoke. "Welcome Wozzo, to the
mighty throne of the head of the glorious Pretavian expeditionary
"Eh what?" Said the Captain "Speak up a bit, I can't hear a
"I said: Welcome Wozzo, to the mighty throne of
the head of the glorious Pretavian expeditionary force!"
"Nope. Still not getting it. Hang on a jiffy." The Captain took
the radio out of his pocket and flipped open the case, he re-connected a couple
of wires and held the set at arms length and pointed it at the chief
"Don't you point that thing at me!" Came a much louder
"That's better, now what were you on about?"
"I said: Welcome Wozzo, to the mighty throne of the head of the
glorious Pretavian expeditionary force!"
"Is that all? Rather a waste of my batteries. I wonder if
Sally's still on?"
"Be quiet, you miserable malefactor, you will do my bidding or
die! Ha ha ha ha!" <<What's so funny?>> He's not laughing at
a joke he's laughing maniacally! <<Bit of a looney is he?>>
Power crazed I reckon, he is the chief Pretavian after all. <<I
wouldn't have thought that being the chief of the sock-grit clan was something
to be all that proud of.>> We all have our place in the grand scheme
of things. <<Very philosophical.>>
"I have a plan to conquer your world Wozzo, and you will help me
do it! Ha ha ha ha!" Cackled the chief.
"No I won't!" cried our hero defiantly.
"Won't so there!"
"Will with knobs on!" <<This is ridiculous. Can you get
back to the plot?>>
"Put these boots on and we will go to your laboratory."
Commanded the chief, fixing Wozzo with a fierce stare. Unfortunately, with the
chief being so tiny, the fierce stare went unnoticed.
"They aren't my style." Complained Wozzo, he never wore kicker
boots, only sensible black shoes specially adapted to carry essential supplies
such as licorice all-sorts. Thinking about his shoes gave him an idea.
"How did you survive my PONG?" He enquired.
"Ha ha ha ha!" Cackled the chief. "Your PONG mostly had
short-term effects, we survived and have now grown stronger. We are no longer
allergic to chocolate and can eat whole bars at a time. Ha ha ha ha!"
<<This bloke's getting on my nerves, can't Wozzo do
"What about the odour-eaters?"
"Ahem. Well, yes we don't like those, but fortunately most
people just have smelly socks and we love smelly socks! Ha ha ha ha! Now take
off your shoes."
Wozzo refused and hordes of tiny Pretavians swarmed around him,
they started to tug at his shoes but then backed off. He wondered what they
were doing, he wasn't wearing odour eaters like his mum had told him and his
socks were certainly smelly, so they should have liked his shoes, but they
obviously didn't. They were retreating, coughing and choking.
"This is chemical warfare!" Shouted the chief. "We will return!"
Then all the Pretavians, the big boot, the colourful socks and the slight
smell of feet, were gone.
"Good gracious!" muttered the Captain, "What on-earth caused
that? Must be something about my shoes." He groped about in the secret
compartment in his left shoe and found some half-chewed gum, a coupon for a
free tube of mustard, some self-tapping screws and an old gramophone needle
which stuck into his finger. "Eeek! can't be any of that. Let's see what's in
the other side." Then he remembered. Liquorice all-sorts, complete with the
coconut ones. He hadn't had time to run this packet through CRAP after he'd
bought it so he'd put it in the shoe compartment for later.
It all made sense now, the coconut snacks man had been attacked
but they had left his sweets alone. PONG must have had another effect that the
Captain hadn't planned, they could no longer stand coconut. In their hatred of
it the Pretavians and the Captain were on the same side!
<<Eh? What? Wozzo's joined the Pretavians? I was just
dozing off there.>>
No! Of course he hasn't, neither of them like coconut sweets.
<<So what? I don't like minty ones.>>
It was dark again now that the Pretavians had gone so the
Captain started walking. He found the wall.
Then the ceiling.
Then some stairs.
. . . . Bother!"
The stairs were going down, and so was the Captain, rather
faster and more uncomfortably than he would have liked. He arrived at the
bottom with a thump, a couple of bruises and a black-eye. When the stars flying
round in front of his eyes faded away he noticed a crack of sunlight. It must
be a door to the outside.
He picked himself up slowly, checking that all his arms and legs
<<All of them? How many arms and legs has he
He tried the door, it wasn't locked, he went outside and looked
around to see where he was. He was in a field, the concrete carbuncle that he
had emerged from looked familiar.. it was the Crigley water-tower! That
explained why he'd had to go down-stairs to get outside. But where had the
Pretavians gone? <<Chuffed if I know.>>
I wasn't asking you, it was an internal dialogue, inside the
<<Hmm, dangerous place that! There's no telling what
goes on in there..>>
Well, what was going on at that moment was that he was wondering
where the Pretavians had gone, then he had an idea. They must have gone back to
their ship, but where would they have parked it? A Pretavian battle cruiser
sounds impressive but actually looks like a shoe-box. Usually in a nasty shade
of green. They would have chosen somewhere nice and clear of long grass, trees
and other tangly stuff that would stop it landing and taking off. The flat top
of the water-tower would be ideal!
The captain fumbled in his pockets again and pulled out a small
telescope. He started to extend it, it got longer and longer until it almost
reached the top of the water tower. He put it to his eye.
"Ah-Ha!" he said.
<<A-ha? Aren't they a Swedish group from the 80's?>> No,
they're Norwegian, but that's not important right now, the Captain had spotted
the ship, on top of the tower, just as he had suspected. Time to call for
Most of Wozzo's equipment was still in the car but he did have
the radio. He would call the Supreme President and get some commandos here in a
"Frrrt, buzzz, weeeeooooo." Went the radio as the Captain twiddled
it to high-security encryption and the super secret international
"Hello, Wozzo calling base, come in
"Ello! A1 mini-cabs, where d'you wanna go mate?" Came the
"I don't wanna, err, want to go anywhere. I want backup. Get
off the channel!"
"You gerroff the channel if you don't wanna cab, I got 15
cabs to control 'ere and your jammin' me out."
"Now look here, I'm on the
international... err... oh bother! Sorry, it's 151.2574 not 161, bye for
Wozzo re-programmed the radio. "Wozzo here. Help, send backup!"
He yelled into the mike.
"Stop yelling Wozzo, we know you're in trouble I've
got you on GUTS."
Wozzo had forgotten about the Supreme President's GUTS, but this
was good news. Help would be on the way.
"Ah well, I'm afraid it's Wednesday
"Wednesday?" Spluttered Wozzo. "Is it early-closing or
"No no, that would be silly. All the commandos are on a
management training course to comply with new good business practice
regulations. If they don't do it we'll be closed down."
"You're doing that motor-boat thing again Wozzo. Pull yourself
"But I've got the Pretavians in my sights and I need
"Sorry Wozzo, earliest I can do it is tomorrow morning. Bye!"
The radio went dead. "Bum!" Said Wozzo. The Pretavians weren't
going to hang about on top of a water-tower all night. He had to get some help.
He twiddled the radio again.
"Hello, A1 mini-cabs are you there?" Called the Captain.
mate. Waddya want?"
"Do you collect take-aways." He enquired...
<<Dot dot dot again, I suppose that means another
Yes, the exciting climax.
<<I say! Steady on, don't make promises you can't
Chapter 4 Catapult Capers
The Captain's plan was in place, unfortunately his false teeth
weren't "Mumph bovver, urgh, ah! That's better, now all I need is that delivery
It had taken a little while to find a Thai restaurant in the
Crigley area, he was using FART
<<Oh no! Not another amusing
acronym? What is it?>>
It's the Captain's own app for his
O-Phone, the Fully Automated Restaurant Tracer, works a treat.
<<Hmm, ingenious. And the "O-Phone"?>>
his Old Phone, he's got 3 months to go before he can get an upgrade.
Anyway, there were plenty of Balti places, loads of chip shops
and a Peruvian bistro.
<<A Peruvian bistro?... sounds
It is, their Papa a la Huancaina tastes like sick and
smells of socks, but that's not important at the moment - it's Thai food the
captain needs - a nice coconut chicken curry should do the trick, all sticky
While he waited for the delivery he began setting up a rather
spectacular catapult arrangement. His car had been towed away due a slight lack
of tax disk and due to its being parked in a ditch, so he'd had to improvise.
He had fashioned a few pieces of wood into a frame and his braces provided the
elastic. He was ready. The radio crackled again, "Damn thing! Still crackling!"
muttered the Captain standing up to fetch it. Unfortunately, due to a
deficiency in the brace department, his trousers fell down. "Doh! Ooh, blast
it!" he cried falling into a cow pat. He got up, quite quickly, having
discovered a thistle where a thistle really shouldn't be.
"Wozzo here" he announced into the radio.
"What's where?" came the reply.
"No, WOZZO is here!" shouted the Captain, "Who's there?".
"I am, and I've got a skip for Mr Jenkins, are you Mr Jenkins?"
"No I'm Captain Wozzo, get off the channel, I'm waiting for a
"Aren't we all, mate? You're on Splendid Skips' channel, YOU get
"Oh blast it!" The Captain twiddled all the dials three clicks
to the left, some of them two clicks to the right and the last one came off in
his hand. "That's torn it!" He moaned, although to be strictly accurate it
wasn't torn at all.
<<Look this is all very interesting but can we
get on with it, all this talk of curry is making me hungry and it's nearly
"I'll just have to hope that A1 mini-cabs can find the water
A1 mini-cabs couldn't find the water tower. They couldn't even
find the Thai restaurant.
Jim (Mr A1 mini-cabs) had been lucky to find his way to work
that morning. Things weren't going well, and some mad bloke kept blotting out
their radios with demands for curry, well he wasn't going to trick Jim into
taking curry to a water tower on a Wednesday, that's for sure.
Three hours later and the Captain was getting worried
<<I'm getting slightly perturbed myself, this has been going on
for ages and there's no solution in sight! I want my tea...>>
but there is a solution!
<<Go on then, amaze me..>>
The Captain had given up on A1 and was heading back down to the
road, in the mean time he had radically redesigned his trouser support
arrangements with the aid of some hairy string he'd found in a hedge. As he
approached the road and the place where the Wozzo-mobile had been he looked
around carefully.. and there it was!
be so impatient, I'm going to tell you.
It was the remains of Brians delicious coconut snacks
<<Hurrah! Coconut! Ideal.>>
Lying in the
ditch, largely hidden from view, was the box, still intact. Captain Wozzo tried
the lid, it was locked. Without his full tool kit he was stumped "If only I
hadn't given my Sonic Screwdriver to that bloke in the telephone box," Thought
the Captain "when I went back for it the next day the whole thing had gone!"
He jumped on the snack box. He hit it with a stick. He hit it
with a stone. A small boy looked down at him from the road. "What yer doin' in
that ditch mister?" He enquired with a smirk.
"Err, I'm engaged in a mighty tussle with forces of evil."
Stated the Captain, hoping the boy would be impressed.
"Looks like you're in a mighty tussle with a box to me, and the
box is winning!"
"Less of your cheek young fellow, have you a screwdriver?"
"'Course I 'ave" he said, and presented the Captain with a small
tool-roll which he unbungeed from his bike.
<<Unbungeed? Is that a
Well, if you can bungee something onto your bike
then presumably you can unbungee it?
The Captain deftly opened the tool-roll and then less deftly
dropped the screwdriver into the ditch bottom. "Careful!" scolded the boy,
"Them's my best tools."
"Ah yes, splendid quality too. Rust proof I hope?" said the
Captain as he retrieved the screwdriver from the mud and started to undo the
hinges of the box.
Soon it was open and the delicious aroma of coconut snacks
filled the air. "Eaugh!" Spluttered the Captain, holding his nose.
"Don't you like coconut mister?" enquired the boy "neither do I,
"Yes" replied the Captain "'orrible indeed! But very useful. Now
help me take it up to the water tower, we have a little shooting to do!"
A few minutes later and the ammunition was loaded onto the
catapult, there was no way of knowing whether this plan would work
<<Seems pretty unlikely if previous form is anything to go
by!>> but the Captain had to try. He pulled back the braces and let
"Mooooo!" came the angry cry of a cow as one of Brians
delicious coconut snacks hit it broadside.
"Oops, a little more altitude I think" said the Captain as he
adjusted the catapult.
"Yeah, SOME altitude would be good if you're tryin' to 'it that
shoe box." suggested the boy unhelpfully.
"Look just shut up and observe."
The catapult released it's deadly load, into the hedge on the
other side of the field. A pheasant rose into the air, clucking. "Blast!"
shouted the Captain holding his thumb which had got trapped in the braces.
The boy fell about laughing. "Look mate" he said once he'd
recovered his composure "If you wanna get them sweets into that shoe box up
there, goodness know why, but if you do.. why don't I just go up the ladder on
the side, and pop 'em in?"
"Pop 'em in?" repeated the Captain thoughtfully "... just pop
'em.. err, pop them in... yes! Good idea!"
The boy stuffed his pockets with Brians delicious coconut
snacks and set off up the ladder.
"If you feel a stone in your shoe, don't stop, it's very
important!" warned the Captain as the boy neared the top of the ladder.
<<I don't suppose this'll work.>> Don't be
such a pessimist, coconut is deadly to the Pretavians.
He crawled towards the shoe box, but just as he got close enough
to do a bit of 'popping in', the shoe box took to the air.
told you it wouldn't work!>>
It rose silently above the tower and
then swooped down towards Captain Wozzo on the ground. The Captain started
hopping madly round in circles chased by the box, as the boy looked on in
wonder, he was trying to get one shoe off.
Soon it was over. The shoe box lay crushed on the ground,
lifeless. Captain Wozzo and the boy sat on the grass near the water tower
enjoying the last of the liquorice all-sorts from the Captain's secret shoe
"Good job you 'ad them coconut ones still" commented the boy.
"Yes, it's lucky I hadn't used CRAP."
"Well you may not've used it mister, but you're certainly
covered in it!" laughed the boy, referring to the cow pat residue which still
adorned the Captain's jacket. "I reckon you should change your name to Captain
<<Well that all turned out alright then? Pity there was
no curry though.>>
Yes, I could do with one myself.
<<You coming then? I'm off to the Mumtaz.>>
Great! I'll give you a lift on my tandem.
<<Not likely I'd rather go on the bus! Do you reckon
the Captain got a reward for defeating the Pretavians?>>
Well, he did get a years supply of licourice allsorts.
<<That'll keep his CRAP machine busy!>>
Which machine is that, all the Captain's machines are crap.
<<True, very true...>>
Not to be continued. This is definitely the end. dot dot dot