Observations Solves Some of the USA's Problems
It has come to my attention that despite our astute politicians
having avoided going over the fiscal cliff there are still a few problems
confronting our nation. Some of these are the federal budget, the federal
deficit, airport security, immigration, realty television, vampire movies,
Donald Trump, someone named Kim Kardashian and someone else named Linsey Lohan.
To begin with, I have come up with a neat solution to take care of the federal
budget and federal deficit, appoint a bipartisan congressional committee (we
can call it a super committee) to come up with an equable solution.
Furthermore, make the penalty for not coming up with one horribly onerous, like
doubling everyones taxes, cutting every federal agencys budget in
half, banning texting while driving, walking, running or sitting, stop
importing British television shows like Downton Abbey, ban any mention of Kim
Kardashian or Lindsey Lohan in the tabloids, cancel the pro football season,
maybe even cancel the Super Bowl. In other words, the penalty would be so bad
that even our congresspersons couldnt fail to come up with some kind of
Wait a minute. Whats that you say? Establishing such a
super committee is the reason we almost went over the fiscal cliff in the first
place. Okay, lets put that one on hold for a while. We still have to
reduce the federal deficit so it would help if we had more money coming in. We
know multi-millionaires (or multi-billionaires) like Warren Buffet are itching
to pay their fair share, or more, so lets set up a federal agency to
which they can donate all the money they want. In return, theyll get all
of the things that the hundreds of organizations asking for our donations
provide: free mailing labels, ballpoint pens, note pads, even free calendars.
How could any multimillionaire resist that?
How to get even more money? Lets see. Therell be a
White House rummage sale, of course. Everyone in the country will be asked to
send in his or her old items of clothing, appliances, furniture, book, etc.
Michelle Obama will organize it, people can buy as on eBay and Im sure
millions of dollars will be generated. What else? Well, our elected officials
can cut down on their lifestyles.. Air Force One will be replaced by a Cessna.
Maybe congresspersons federal agencies can even give up all those junkets to
foreign places and meetings in places like Hawaii and Las Vegas. No more
government cars. Let them take cabs, boosting the incomes of taxi drivers.
Weve officially designated anyone with an income of over
$400,000 a year as being wealthy. So lets look at all the athletes and
entertainers making more than that and take any excess for the government. They
will still be wealthy so how could they object to that. And speaking of
entertainers, lets levy a fine on any movie or television show using
obscenity or showing nudity. This would enhance the federal coffers and also
raise the standard of morality. While were at it, we can also levy a fine
on any media mentioning Kim Kadashian or Lindsey Lohan (and Donald Trump). More
money pouring in.
What other problems can we solve? Theres immigration.
Lets have a softball game between members of the congressional Black
Caucus and also Hispanics and a representative squad of white members. After
the game theyll all adjourn to a nearby bar, and in the comradarie
engendered by hard-fought competition theyll settle the problem over a
few rounds of beers.
I mentioned the problem of airport security. The solution here
is simple. Let the Walt Disney organization handle it. As anyone whos
visited Disneyland or Disney World knows, they are experts in moving people
along. And while people are being moved along they can be entertained by Disney
persons dressed up as Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, Goofy, Pluto, Snow White and
What problems are left? Oh, yes, amid all the discussion of
taxes and deficits, theres the little matter of high unemployment and
while insurance for those out of work was extended there was little or no talk
about putting people back to work. How to do this? One way is to go back to the
good old days and replace all of those computerized or digital gadgets with
real people. These would include: telephone operators, elevator operators,
typists, stenos, bowling alley pinboys, gas station attendants and the like.
Along the way, we can dispense with all automated phone systems and thus rid
society of one its greatest ills (maybe the greatest). Im sure readers
can think of other occupations that have disappeared over the past few decades
and can be reinstated.. Hat makers! President Obama starts wearing hats and hat
factories will spring up all over to supply all the men who will want one.
As for the federal budget, let me think. What do most people do
when they find their expenses exceeding their budgets? They cut down on eating
out. They put off buying that TV set. They stay home instead of going away for
vacations. And so on. Ill be thinking about maybe we can apply this to
our friends in Washington. Meanwhile, I think weve gotten off to a pretty
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