2016 Earth Debate
Martin Green reports:
The Earth Council
In a distant galaxy light
years away, on a planet called Spielberg, light years ahead of the Earth in
civilization (theyd outlawed reality TV and rap music), the Council on
Earth Studies was having an emergency meeting, called after the recent American
presidential election. Yes, the Council, at its last meeting, after learning
that the candidates in the American election were to be Hillary Clinton and
Donald Trump, had unanimously (except for one abstention) voted that it was
time to get rid of that pesky little planet Earth once and for all and had
assembled a battle fleet to carry out that mission. However, that one Councilor
whod abstained had gone to the Court of Appeals and obtained a stay,
arguing that they should at least wait until the elections outcome as
otherwise theyd never know whod won. The judges, all of whom were
in an Earth Fantasy Football League anyway, agreed and so the stay was granted.
Council Chairman Klynt, who won?
It was Trump,
said Council Secretary Zyff.
What? I thought
Hillary was the odds-on favorite. I was assured shed win, even though she
was a liar and dishonest as Trump was an out-and-out sociopath. I just lost my
bet of 1,000 Spielbergs.
Everyone on Earth,
or almost everyone, especially the pollsters, thought shed win,
too, said the Secretary. It would seem theres an uprising of
the common people on Earth, the same phenomenon that led to
So what do we do
now? Do we go ahead with our plans to take care of Earth once and for
Donald Trump as
United States president is unthinkable, said Councilman Wurff, whod
always been the leading proponent of regime change. I say we send our
battle fleet immediately.
minute, said Councilman Lurch, the lone abstainer whod successfully
obtained a stay. Dont you even want to see what Trump does now that
hes been elected.
Wurff. The mans a lunatic. Why wait?
Its too bad
Hillary, even though shes a liar and a crook, couldnt have become
the first female President, said Councilwoman Paltrow, the lone female on
the Council. That at least would have had some historical significance
and we could have waited to see if she made any difference.
Trump may save us
the trouble of destroying Earth, said Councilman Bland. If a
foreign leader, say that clown whos president of North Korea, insults him
hell probably retaliate and start a nuclear war.
Hmmm. Thats a
point, said the Council Chairman.
Might I remind
everyone that the United States is not the only country on Earth, said
Councilman Lurch. If we destroy the entire planet well be wiping
out millions of innocent people who never even heard of Donald
Councilman Wurff. But the rest of planet is going down the drain anyway.
As has just been noted, North Korea already has nuclear weapons and soon Iran
will have them also. Then theres the mess in Syria, wars all over the
place, ISIS, famines, earthquakes, the international soccer scandal, the spread
of iPhones, Pokemon and of course the state of American colleges. I could go on
And this meeting is
likely to go on and on, observed the Chairman. Does anyone have a
I move we take out
the planet Earth without further delay and spare the world a Trump
presidency, Councilman Wurff immediately said.
second, said Councilman Bland.
Well have a vote.
minute, said Councilman Lurch, whod always been the most vocal
Earth defender. Now we know who won the American election, an important
event on Earth. But no one knows what will come next. Events on Earth are
always surprising. The Chicago Cubs actually won the World Series. So anything
And a woman did
nearly win the presidency, interposed Councilwoman Paltrow.
So I move,
said Councilman Lurch, that we put off a vote for six months to see what
It wont be
pretty, grumbled Wurff.
That will give
enough time for the NFL season to play out, and the Super Bowl, said
Hmm. So we can
continue with the our Earth Fantasy Football League, said Chairman Klynt.
I might be able to recoup my loss on the Hillary bet. Does everyone
said Wurff. Six more months, then we take another vote, if theres
still an Earth left to destroy by then.
Chairman Klynt. This meeting is adjourned. Coffee and refreshments will
be served in the next room.
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