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2016 Earth Debate

Martin Green reports:


The Earth Council Meeting, 2016


In a distant galaxy light years away, on a planet called Spielberg, light years ahead of the Earth in civilization (they’d outlawed reality TV and rap music), the Council on Earth Studies was having an emergency meeting, called after the recent American presidential election. Yes, the Council, at its last meeting, after learning that the candidates in the American election were to be Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, had unanimously (except for one abstention) voted that it was time to get rid of that pesky little planet Earth once and for all and had assembled a battle fleet to carry out that mission. However, that one Councilor who’d abstained had gone to the Court of Appeals and obtained a stay, arguing that they should at least wait until the election’s outcome as otherwise they’d never know who’d won. The judges, all of whom were in an Earth Fantasy Football League anyway, agreed and so the stay was granted.

“Well,” said Council Chairman Klynt, “who won?”

“It was Trump,” said Council Secretary Zyff.

“What? I thought Hillary was the odds-on favorite. I was assured she’d win, even though she was a liar and dishonest as Trump was an out-and-out sociopath. I just lost my bet of 1,000 Spielbergs.”

“Everyone on Earth, or almost everyone, especially the pollsters, thought she’d win, too,” said the Secretary. “It would seem there’s an uprising of the common people on Earth, the same phenomenon that led to Brexit.”

“So what do we do now? Do we go ahead with our plans to take care of Earth once and for all?”

“Donald Trump as United States president is unthinkable,” said Councilman Wurff, who’d always been the leading proponent of regime change. “I say we send our battle fleet immediately.”

“Wait a minute,” said Councilman Lurch, the lone abstainer who’d successfully obtained a stay. “Don’t you even want to see what Trump does now that he’s been elected.”

“No,” said Wurff. “The man’s a lunatic. Why wait?”

“It’s too bad Hillary, even though she’s a liar and a crook, couldn’t have become the first female President,” said Councilwoman Paltrow, the lone female on the Council. “That at least would have had some historical significance and we could have waited to see if she made any difference.”

“Trump may save us the trouble of destroying Earth,” said Councilman Bland. “If a foreign leader, say that clown who’s president of North Korea, insults him he’ll probably retaliate and start a nuclear war.”

“Hmmm. That’s a point,” said the Council Chairman.

“Might I remind everyone that the United States is not the only country on Earth,” said Councilman Lurch. “If we destroy the entire planet we’ll be wiping out millions of innocent people who never even heard of Donald Trump.”

“True,” replied Councilman Wurff. “But the rest of planet is going down the drain anyway. As has just been noted, North Korea already has nuclear weapons and soon Iran will have them also. Then there’s the mess in Syria, wars all over the place, ISIS, famines, earthquakes, the international soccer scandal, the spread of iPhones, Pokemon and of course the state of American colleges. I could go on and on.

“And this meeting is likely to go on and on,” observed the Chairman. “Does anyone have a motion?”

“I move we take out the planet Earth without further delay and spare the world a Trump presidency,” Councilman Wurff immediately said.

“I reluctantly second,” said Councilman Bland.

“All right. We’ll have a vote.”

“Just a minute,” said Councilman Lurch, who’d always been the most vocal Earth defender. “Now we know who won the American election, an important event on Earth. But no one knows what will come next. Events on Earth are always surprising. The Chicago Cubs actually won the World Series. So anything can happen.”

“And a woman did nearly win the presidency,” interposed Councilwoman Paltrow.

“So I move,” said Councilman Lurch, “that we put off a vote for six months to see what will happen.”

“It won’t be pretty,” grumbled Wurff.

“That will give enough time for the NFL season to play out, and the Super Bowl,” said Bland.

“Hmm. So we can continue with the our Earth Fantasy Football League,” said Chairman Klynt. “I might be able to recoup my loss on the Hillary bet. Does everyone agree?”

“All right,” said Wurff. “Six more months, then we take another vote, if there’s still an Earth left to destroy by then.”

“Good,” said Chairman Klynt. “This meeting is adjourned. Coffee and refreshments will be served in the next room.”



Read old page 94s here.


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