24th December 2004
Queen's message preview.
Winamop has intercepted the one of the early
tapes of the Queen's Christmas message from a rubbish bin outside Buckingham
(Queen's voice) "Hello one two, testing
testing. Is one on?"
(Sound man) "Yes your majesticness, crack on
(Queen) "Yees, you nasty little man, one will
crack on when one is ready. Ahem (clears throat) My loyal
(Producer) "Tony wants you to say
(Queen) "Look, you oik, I'm the bleedin' Queen
and you're my subjects right? Tony can take his citizens and stuff them up
(Producer) "Yes m'am, OK we'll go with
subjects if you insist."
(Queen) "You better believe it buddy! Ahem.
(clears throat) Well, it's been another annus horribilis here at the
(tittering in background)
(Queen) "Look, I said annus right? It
means year! Anyway; that bloody dog of Anne's has eaten one of my
favourite corgies, should've had the thing locked in the tower when it bit
those children in the park...
Phillip!.. Phillip!... (sounds of shuffling
about, swearing, bumping into things etc.) Will you stay still? One is trying
to record one's heartwarming Christmas speech."
(Phillip) "For goodness sake woman, nobody
wants to hear you droning on on Christmas day. They want Ant and bloody Derek
and the Pop Idiots or somesuch cobblers!"
(Queen) "Oh stuff it one isn't doing it then,
there's no fee anyway. Pass the gin, it's in that Tupperware box.... (slurp,
burp)... That's better, merry Christmas one and all!"
Wright Flight Flop
"By our skills and daring we will continue to
lead the world in flight." Said George W as he stood beside a pile of
matchsticks which had, only moments before, been a replica of the Wright
brother's Kitty Hawk.
It had failed to get off the ground.
100 years ago, the original Kitty Hawk reached
the dizzy height of several feet as its 12-second flight was witnessed by a few
In another 100 years we'll probably be back to
bumping along the ground if current trends continue:
The 21st century
aeronautical industry has so far failed to come up with a successor to
Concorde, the 1960s supersonic passenger jet which was finally pensioned-off
The age of supersonic passenger flight is over, Thunderbirds
were wrong... and so is George W.
Coventry enters new millennium
The city of Coventry is often overlooked, and
wisely so, for apart from the superb cathedral there hasn't been much to
But just as everyone else's "millennium" project is going bust
(or already has, in the case of the dome), Coventry finally get theirs
Millennium place, an open plaza where events can be held, is the
heart of the scheme and is set to re-launch Coventry into the cultural big
league tomorrow with a concert by... errr... Atomic Kitten...
Troll road opens
A new road for Trolls has opened near
Trolls who do not wish to travel to Birmingham can now avoid it
by taking the M6 Troll which will take them to Cannock instead.
Is that really a good thing?
Sock seizure shock
British special-branch officers have seized some
terrorists socks from a house in England. These socks of mass destruction were
attached to a piece of string and could probably have been hung around a
terrorists neck, say police.
"The socks contained traces of T.N.T, P.E.T.N,
R.D.X and S.W.E.A.T which could form a devastating combination" one officer
"We are also urging people to keep a lookout for exploding
underpants, biological bras and thermonuclear thongs. You can't be too careful
these days. Mind how you go now. Evenin' all."
Police will be on the trail of the terror-socks
over the next few weeks, so double-check those innocent looking Christmas
stockings and don't hang them too near the fire.....
Shock news from Schumacher
Michael Schumacher, world champion racing driver
supreme, has signalled his intention to reintroduce the challenge to his
racing. After another easy championship triumph for Michael and his Ferrari in
2003 he has decided to switch to struggling team Bill's Motors Racing
Bill Hoskins, team supremo, explains the modus
operandi of Team Bill's:
"Well we got two nice motors, Mike'll be
driving the MG Montego 'cos it's got a good turn of speed and handles nice
whereas Damon, our other top-name signing, 'e'll 'ave the XR3i.
'opin' for is to get in the way a bit and punt some of the others off the
circuit, Mike's proved 'is worth on that score many times, so I reckon we've a
Bills is a small outfit and doesn't have the
resources of the larger teams but they are not downcast:
"No 'course not
mate! Mike and Damon'll bring their own sandwiches and I've got a nice little
caravan that we can tow behind the Montego. We'll be real comfy!
does well we'll even get a tin of them bratwurst things as a special treat I
If Damon does well.... err... well it's not very likely is it
Public service pop.
The BBC put it's foot in it's (presumably
toothless) mouth when it announced that the revolting fizzy pop, Coca
Cola was to be plugged on the newly revamped Top Of The Pops TV show
and the Radio1 top 40.
Just at the time when the government is considering
putting health warnings on junk food!
Presumably now that Coca Cola is helping public
service broadcasting in this way it will be exempt from the warnings?
Watch out for a "MacDonalds, Proud sponsors of
the Labour Party" advert soon...
Don't phone home.
The use of hand-held mobile phones by British
drivers, became illegal today.
Our Motoring Correspondent, Max Revs, phoned in
"Well it's hands free for me from now on! You
join me in the driver's seat of the new turbo-charged Subaru Forester doing
110mph on some back roads covered in wet leaves and horse manure . I'm
reporting in on my mobile phone in compliance with the new regs which I think
are pretty foolish I can tell you!"
"It's a good job that the Subaru is a sure
footed as someone who's very sure about their feet, oh yes indeed. Just listen
to that engine note, fabulous! Perhaps I should really change gear now as I'm
still in second? Hang on a sec.... it's a bit tricky whilst holding the phone
and steering with my knees... whoops!"
At this point the line went dead and we received
the rest of the report sometime later.
"Hello again. Max Revs now test driving one of
the NHS's latest hospital beds. This one's got traction control built in
too.... ouch! That's enough traction surely nurse!"
"Anyway the hands-free thing was a complete
disaster. How anyone is supposed to drive properly without using their hands
beats me, changing gear is nigh-on impossible! I can see the point of it
though, being able to text people whilst driving would be very useful. I guess
I'll just have to keep practising. I wonder if Subaru will lend me another
Forester to complete the test?"
A spokesman for Subaru did comment but we are
unable to reproduce it here for fear of prosecution under the obscene
It seems that despite hundreds of extra police
vetting all incoming visitors to the UK, George Bush has still managed to get
What with that and the palace being full of Daily Mirror reporters it's
a good job that the terrorists are more incompetent than the security
Train company makes profit!
Hornby, the makers of model railway and
Scalextric car racing kits are expanding after an increase in profits.
Having had success with a Hogwarts Express train set they have
turned their attention to maximising the market for the Scalextric road-racing
sets. They are introducing Scalextric skateboarding Simpsons characters,
skateboarding Ninja Turtles and Scalextric GP motorcycles (not on
Fantastic! I want a set of skateboarding Jarvis executives who
fly off the track due to incomplete points installation and get eaten by the
Scotsmen wear skirts says EU.
A month ago discredited Euro statistics agency
"Eurostat" issued a questionnaire to Scottish firms about the products they
sold. Unfortunately for kiltmakers, there was no space in which to enter the
national dress. They were told to enter kilts as "Ladies Skirts".
Large, hairy legged Scotsmen the country over
were incensed at the suggestion that they wore skirts. The Scottish Executive
leapt into action (there's a first time for everything and, after all, this was
of national importance) and had the forms amended.
So the crisis is now averted, but just wait until
they try and audit the haggis population....
Danger ships arrive.
Not only has the cruise liner packed with
vomiting passengers just returned from the Med but a couple of ex US-Navy ships
jammed with asbestos have docked at Hartlepool.
What with that and
Sellafield inviting the world to send its radioactive waste over here for
reprocessing things are getting pretty bad.
Isn't there anywhere else in the
world where they would accept a load of toxic crap?
Let's see where
MacDonuts are opening the most restaurants and send it all there.
Winamop at the MTVEurope Music Awards
1945hrs: Well here we are, live from Edinburgh at
the MTV awards....
What an amazing talent Kelly Osborne is! Witty,
respectful, knowledgeable and pretty. A joy to behold.
Hang on, who's this in the circus clown's outfit,
with mad hair, a pink shirt, bow tie, colourful braces and matching socks?
Surely it must be local hero, Sir David Steel, he's grown since we last saw him
and what a good tan too!
Oops no! It's Wally 2000, or whatever his name is,
2005hrs: Oh dear. The poor woman! Christina
Aguilera's just come on and we can all see her bottom! What a terrible
Now here's a bald man in a leather kilt... bring back Christina!
Ah here she is in a different outfit, she must have sent the first one to the
2100hrs: Just awoken from a deep sleep. It
appears Dido was performing live.
Oh well, just in time for the hip-hop
award, and what a surprise, Eminem's won it... what a pity he didn't have time
to finish his tea before coming on the TV. Why does the sound keep cutting out?
Surely he wasn't swearing in his acceptance speech?
2120hrs: Hold the front page, there's been some
kind of alien invasion, or explosion...
Ah! It's AC-DC! errr, no it isn't
it's Queen (Freddie's looking OK considering he's been dead for years).
I've just been told that it's a new beat combo
from East Anglia who are quite popular at the moment The Darkness.
Are you sure it wasn't The Sweet?
2145: The Quickfit Fitters have come onto the
stage, dancing in their overalls.
Oh, sorry, I'm wrong again, It's Missy
Elliott and some gentleman friends.
According to MTV Europe, the best female is
Well that's lucky because she's hosting the
This is outfit number six I think, now if the award was for most
outfits she would have deserved it!
Best male is Justin Timberlake. What a lovely
couple they'll make.
2210: Goodness me! Lots of naked people! In
Scotland! In November! Brrrr... Is this what passes for entertainment these
I must say I like it!
Coldplay are the best group in the world...
again. No points for originality there.
Ah goody, here comes Kelly and she's slagging off
Christina again (best of pals really of course). I like a little edge, better
than all this mutual admiration stuff. Go Kelly, stick one on her!
Booo! Justin Timberlake has just arrived for his
third award! Robbie must be feeling a bit cheesed as he's been nominated for
practically everything except best female and hasn't won a thing. Poor
Oh dear, there seems to be something wrong with
the sound, or we have regressed to 1983, or it's Kraftwerk.
2235: Christina's back in outfit number ten and
she's having a pop at Kelly, rise above it dear, you have more dresses than she
Now she's examining the contents of several Scotsmen's kilts.
This really is a high class show. Thankyou MTV!
Beyonce has just come on to accept her award for
being gorgeous and not having won anything else. Well done!
Pink has taken to the stage in a rather tight
catsuit sporting a barbed tail. Brazen Hussie!
She's doing some throbbing
rock'n'roll, maybe she should team up with the Darkness?
2245: Well that's about it. I must say I didn't
enjoy it much, far too raucous and it's past my bedtime.
So goodnight from
the team here in Edinburgh, we're off to sink a few bevvies with the MTV
Are you sure they're old enough to come to the pub? No? What a
Otis Tarva makes a comeback
A Great Bustard
Never heard of him? Not surprising really, it's
not a '60s soul singer (although it does make a loud rasping sound), it is
better known as the Great Bustard, a turkey-like bird weighing up to
15kg. This former native of the British Isles has been extinct here since the
early 19th century and previous attempts to re-introduce it have
The bird's habitat has been under pressure due to
modern agricultural methods and shortage of open grassland in the UK... Um...
It is a shy bird and won't come out to parties unless it can bring its
A team of ornithologists is hoping to settle a
breeding pair somewhere or other... err, look are you sure we've got the right
It's Nell! That's the woman with the enormous
'orse who rides at the Beaufort hunt. I hope she doesn't see this or we're
really in trouble... you don't argue with Nell (or her horse).
Here's a picture of a Bustard.
Postal strike spreads
The British Post Office is in turmoil as
"wildcat" strikes take place throughout the country disrupting mail
Customers have started to express their opinions on the
"For goodness sake!", Brian Crump of Wapping exclaimed, "My
letterbox has been completely devoid of offers of credit cards, loans and
charity appeals. What am I going to line the hamster's cage with now?"
if that weren't inconvenient enough, I have no bills to pay.... Come to think
of it, I haven't had any postcards from my aunt Hilda recently either."
"Perhaps they should stay out!"
Harley Rider detained
Harley Davidson rider Pete Wilson was detained by
the authorities yesterday on a charge of "riding a Harley whilst clean
When asked where was his beard he could only mumble something about
being fed up with it and shaving it off!
He could be charged with the more
serious offence of "bringing Harley riders into disrepute" if he doesn't come
up with a more convincing argument.
We should point out that his beer-gut
was in perfect condition so that should count in his favour.
IDS out (What a surprise).
"I'll fight to the finish" he said.
him, it's finished, and he didn't fight!
Had he landed a punch on Michael
Portillo, owner of the
cheesiest website we've seen for a long time, we'd all have
But he didn't.
He didn't bat an eyelid.
remained stiff as he lost the vote of no competence... or was it no
Who will remember him in a years time?
'Ello 'Ello, need another pinta?
West Midlands Police are to use milkmen, driving
instructors and delivery drivers as trouble spotters to help reduce crime in
This is all very well, although I don't suppose the milkman
would be much good in a high-speed pursuit, but what happens when the trouble
spotter spots a suspicious incident?
Well he could go after the miscreant
with a bottle of silver-top but he's supposed to report it to the Police. So
guess what happens next?
Yes, that's right, nothing, nada, naff-all. The
real Police are all too busy filling in mountains of Tony Blair's new paperwork
to get off their bottoms and investigate...
UK sport not dead
Our international sportsmen are off to Canada to reclaim a
little of the kudos lost by our soccer / cricket / athletic teams.
to compete in the world "Scissor Paper Stone" championships..
Team Captain James Lawson said "Our chosen sport has all the
intensity, drama and excitement of a Rugby World Cup and the team I've put
together is determined to carry the trophy home."
No we didn't make that one up...
Iain Duncan Smith's tenuous grasp of the
leadership of the Tory party is under threat again.
Iain Duncan Smith, you know, the "quiet man"?
Doesn't ring a bell... you say he's
Tory leader, isn't that William Hague?
No! It's Iain Duncan Smith, two 'i's and two
surnames. Looks a bit like Hague but has no sense of humour.
Can't say I know the chap, was he at
Yes, he made a speech looking down at the autocue
all the way through.
So he's going is he?
The vultures are circling, yes. It's evidently
because he doesn't have a high enough public profile.
Hmm, that's hard to believe isn't it?
What was his name again?
Fish to go
Fairgrounds operating in Liverpool have been forbidden to give
away goldfish in plastic bags as prizes.
This traditional reward for
knocking a coconut off a stand or hooplah-ing a vase is no longer politically
correct as it's cruel to the fish.
Cruelty to fish is not to be encouraged of course, so how
about Liverpool council banning fishing? After all, is it crueller to put a
fish in a plastic bag full of water or to wrench it out of the river with a
hook stuck through its mouth?
Get things into perspective chaps....
The Starvation is over
Well it's been a long time.
without solid food, an impressive achievement.
We spoke to the emaciated
being in a hospital bed..
"So how long have you been surviving without
"About 6 weeks this time Brian, my anorexia is getting
"Thanks... err... Sharon. I think we're in the wrong room."
Over to our correspondent in Ethiopia.
"Mtumi, how long have you been surviving without
"About 6 weeks this time Brian, the famine is getting
"Thanks... err... I think we're in the wrong country.
Wasn't there someone else we should've spoken
No I didn't think there was....
Blood crisis averted.
A call from the Scottish National Blood Service
for more blood has been answered generously by Scottish donors.
The SNBS had
feared that supplies of the famous breakfast dish Black Pudding would
dry up if supplies weren't forthcoming.
Thanks to the generous donors, Scottish
breakfasts are safe. (The breakfasts are safe, not the consumers of the
What's in a name?
Children's names are getting sillier. These days
it's not just the rich and famous who give their babies ridiculous names,
everyone's doing it.
One of the trends is to name the child after favourite
products such as Nike or Reebok for boys and there are many instances of girls
being named "Channel".
One sad statistic to come out of this survey is
that there were 24 infants lumbered with the name "Unique" in the last
Is that bloke still there?
We've all forgotten about David Blaine the famous 'Aunt
Sally'. He's been in his box for 38 days now.
Even the egg-throwers are
Winamop predicts he'll pull some sort of a stunt in the next
few days to remind us he's still dangling there.
Urgent medical attention
suddenly required perhaps?
Place your bets now.
(Sorry for reminding you... got any out-of-date eggs? I'm off
to London tomorrow).
Bags of room on board.
Except on Virgin Trains.
To allow them to
carry more people on their trains, Virgin have hit on the idea of sending the
luggage by road. Presumably this means they can offer sleeping accommodation in
the luggage racks?
So as you travel by train to Exeter your luggage
is stuck in a traffic jam near Preston. Don't worry, it'll be there in a day or
Winamop suggests cutting out the middle man, if the luggage is going by
road why not go with it and tell Dicky Branson to stuff his hopeless
Jarvis decide not to fix the railways any more and their share
price goes up. See 18th September.
So who is
fixing the wretched things then? I thought I hadn't seen Brian from the garage
for a while...
FCUK me! We're in trouble this time.
Some time ago French Connection, the clothing
company, had the frightfully amusing idea of calling themselves French
Connection UK and trading under the initials F.C.U.K. geddit?
opportunities for suggestive advertising thus afforded were not overlooked,
such as a new scent marketed to American teenagers called Scent to Bed.
The promotional gimmick being a sample in a teen mag with the tag line "Open
this and try to fcuk her". Ho ho! and it's not really rude at all is
Well the powerful lobby group The American Family Association thought it
was. An internet campaign said "For a major retailer to sell this type of
product is reprehensible to me." Well, grammar aside, they were seriously
annoyed and have managed to get Bloomingdales and Mays department stores to
withdraw the stuff, Marshall Fields may follow.
A spokesman for FCUK said "Oh siht!"
Happy Birthday WD40!
"Water Dispersant" 40 has been around for 50
years today. It was developed to prevent NASA's rockets rusting and has been
used for many purposes since.
It has been used by a Fire Department to free a
naked man from an air-conditioning duct. It has been used to aid in the
unwrapping of a python from the steering wheel of a bus and there are those who
claim it is effective in easing stiffness in arthritic joints.
A hostess reported that she sprays the top of her
toilet cistern with WD40 to prevent addicts using cocaine in the lavatory.
One thing it shouldn't be used for is cleaning
the weeny little buttons on the control panel of a video recorder. My
brother-in-law sprayed his with it and the machine hasn't worked since.
Radio 1 raises Irritation Factor.
Chris Moyles, recently voted Radio's most
irritating DJ is to replace Sara Cox (the almost as irritating "Coxy") on the
The decision is interesting as the Radio 1 breakfast show
has been losing listeners for the past couple of years and the appointment of
the buffoon Moyles must surely accelerate the decline.
At least "Five" TV bosses have seen sense,
Moyles' witless chat show is soon to be axed due to virtually immeasurable
Bad day for American magicians
On the same day that
David Blaine (who is
fasting in a perspex box over the Thames in London) started babbling rubbish
about omelettes, a more serious problem afflicted Roy Horn during a performance
in Las Vegas.
The act "Siegfried and Roy, Masters of the
Impossible" involves Lions and Tigers on stage.
The animals are, presumably,
made to perform stunts in front of the audience.
Well one particular tiger obviously decided that
it had suffered indignity enough, and bit Mr. Horn who is now critically ill in
The tiger is "in custody". No change there then.
At least the only dumb animal suffering in
Blaine's stunt is Blaine himself.
More ground-breaking science
Following on from yesterday, it seems that
Harvard have come up with the "Ig Nobel" prize for pointless research.
Amongst the candidates are: an Australian project
called "An analysis of the forces required to drag sheep over various surfaces"
and a Zicklin School of Business collection of data on "the anomalies of daily
life" such as what percentage of youths wear baseball caps back to front.
We are amazed that Loughborough University don't
get a mention...
Who was it who did the research on the likelihood
of dropped toast landing butter-side-down?
That takes the biscuit!
Researchers at Loughborough University have
discovered the reason that biscuits crack.
It's all to do with the rate at
which the different regions of the biscuit expand or contract as they cool.
Some parts expand because they absorb moisture whereas some contract as they
Hence the cracks.
Except that they don't do they? I haven't bought
a packet of biscuits that have had more than the end one cracked for ages. That
can be put down to rough handling.
I think that they just embarked upon the
research so that they could have an endless supply of biscuits.
Watch out for the next daft Loughborough research
The flavour of tea or coffee perhaps?
1st October 2004
Show goes down well...
Audience members dressed as nuns plummeted into
the orchestra pit at the Alexandra Theatre in Birmingham when part of the stage
They had been participating in a "Sing-Along-A-Sound of Music"
So how long have you been dressing
up as a nun?
Oh, it's just a stage I'm going through....
Even older news.... back to the
good old days! (The rest of 2004)
T = True story
MT = Mostly true
L = Lies
LF = Lies based on Facts
UB = Utter Boll... err.. Balderdash!
Note: To comply with time-honoured journalistic practices, we
only use single sources and never check our facts. If we cannot obtain firm
information we make it up.
Rupert made us do it!