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Out of date news... yesterday's papers anyone?


January 4th

January sales have fallen flat this year is it is revealed that everyone has bought everything already.

We asked shoppers in London's Oxford Street shopping hot-spot what they were there for..

One shopper replied "I've no idea. I just felt sort of compelled to come out after Christmas and the New Year and shop. But I can't think of anything else to buy. All my cupboards are full. I think I really should be hiring a skip!"

Another shopper was trying to return a number of useless gifts: "I have a male-grooming outfit (I'm female), a carbon-fibre chef's spatula set (I don't cook), a weapons-grade silicon pilates mat (I have a life), an armadillo-skin phone case for the wrong phone and some gluten-free guava biscuits which are revolting."

Inside the shops certain items are marked down so far that they were virtually free: Chocolate toothpaste anyone? Fancy some rum-soaked turkey liver and brussel-sprout Pâté? Or maybe Peruvian coffee-bean brittle tree decorations?

No?

I thought not.

Never mind, Easter is just around the corner...

LF


the mayor

August 1st

London mayor Boris Johnson's annoying "Get ahead of the games" announcements on public transport have been silenced from today. The over emphasis on possible travel chaos has been blamed by London's tourist businesses for a drop in profit as the usual visitors stay away whilst the Olympic goers are... at the Olympics!

 

Boris' whereabouts were uncertain until our eagle eyed snapper spotted him in the Olympic park, possibly strung-up by aggrieved central London business owners.

 

 

T. apart from the last bit...

 

 

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Jubilee fever grips Britain

As if it wasn't enough to have the yawn-inducing Olympics in London this year, the Queen has only gone and had a 60th anniversary at the same time! Never mind though, the ever respectful media (us included) are treating it with the reverence it deserves.

I say!

For instance; the Daily Mail has reported that the well-known supplier of underpants, Marks & Spencer, have lauched a new range of 1950s inspired underwear to mark the occasion (how inappropriate) and illustrated it with this lovely picture.

Any gentlemen amongst you who would like to see the full size version (and a rear view) are at liberty to click on the image, but I must warn you that it will direct you to the Daily Mail web-site...

 

 

 

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May 11th

Splendid new Olympic landmark unveiled!

Is this right?

In addition to the vast area of East London covered in soon-to-be-mothballed sports stadia, a marvellous new waste of time and money has been unveiled today.

Taller than the Statue of Liberty, the ArcelorMittal Orbit tower is a tower that's not a tower, as it serves no practical purpose and looks like a half finished roller-coaster or collapsed crane. Hopes that it might provide an exciting helter-skelter ride were dashed when it was revealed that all visitors could do was ride up and down in a lift. Wow. A London 2012 insider said "Um, it's art isn't it, nobody is supposed to like it, it'll grow on you... I hope "

A more on-message aparachik described it as "thought provoking". Right, well at least we can use it as cell-phone tower when the games is over..

MT

 

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April 1st

Cruisin’ for a drownin’

full steam ahead!

This is the chief steward speaking, I hope you are enjoying Magnifico Cruises latest trip around the oceans of the world. I’d like to reassure all passengers that the loud crash and shudder is nothing to worry about and our highly skilled multi-national crew will be sorting it all out once they’ve tracked down the translator. On the starboard side you can see the sky and on the port side you can see the water, this is due to the list which is no more than a slight inconvenience. Unfortunately tonight’s banquet has had to be cancelled due to the kitchen having exploded. Sandwiches and crisps will be served on the wall of the grand dining room whilst the crew try and get the engines started again. Please don’t worry about the smoke, the engines always tend to cough a bit when there’s water in the fuel.

I’m afraid the Captain will not be at his table tonight as he is five miles away in the only lifeboat we have managed to launch so far, but he sends his best wishes. If anyone has a mobile signal could they please call the coast guard, just a precaution, nothing to worry about. I'd also like to assure you that there are no icebergs in these waters...

LF

 

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March 29th

Forecourt fiasco

oops!

It was fairly sensible advice to suggest that we “topped-up” our tanks in anticipation of a strike by tanker drivers, thought Cabinet Office Minister Francis Maude earlier this week. The strike would have, obviously, lead to a fuel shortage.

And so it came to pass that we are now in the middle of a fuel shortage, caused not by a strike, but by everyone “topping-up” at once. Who’d have thought it eh? A government minister opening his mouth before engaging his brain.

It’s ironic that the driver’s dispute is over safety concerns and now we have one person badly burned whilst decanting petrol near a gas cooker and the tanker drivers being given permission to work 11 hour days. A great step forward in safety I’m sure you’ll agree?

T

 

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May 4th

Election Results.. everyone has won (again).

In Scotland there was almost a "hanging chads" situation when a new voting system confused so many voters that there was a danger of some poles being null and void. Despite this the Scottish Nationalist Party came through with 47 seats against Labour's 46. The SNP are, needless to say, very pleased.

Meanwhile, the Conservatives are delighted, The Lib Dems got 26% of the national vote and are "encouraged" and Labour are happy because they haven't done as badly as they thought they might have.
If only everyone were as optimistic as our politicians!

April 16th

keep looking over your shoulder Des!

Des is doomed!

As the fallout from the "Cash for stories" cock-up continues. Now Tony Blair has pledged his "total support" for accident-prone defence-secretary Des Browne. A sure sign that he will be gone sooner rather than later.

Bye Des!

April 1st

Here on 24-hour rolling, round-the-clock, always-on, actuality, live and direct, on-the-spot, up-to-date, in-your-face, local, international, interplanetary NEWS!!...


nothing's happening.




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September 24th

Crash = popularity.

hammond sets off

Britain was shocked to its core this week to hear that motoring journalist, Richard "Hamster" Hammond, had managed to crash a jet powered car at speeds in excess of 300mph whilst filming for "Top Gear". Every news bulletin carried updates on the diminutive dare-devil's progress. His popularity is now greater than ever.

Could this be an opportunity for other celebrities down on their luck? Perhaps Vanessa Feltz should take up bungee jumping (when they've strengthened the crane), Dave Lee Travis, Simon Dee and Tony Blackburn might scale Radio 1's transmitter mast - naked - in December, and I know they're not down on their luck but can I suggest that Ant and Dec are fired out of a canon, preferably off a cliff?

That's enough... Ed.



August 28th

Britain shivers in the rain.

rain

Bloody typical bank-holiday weather isn't it? Who's idea was it to come camping in the Lake District anyway? There's a good reason there are so many lakes here, it never stops bleedin' raining that's why! Six hours stuck on the M6 for this.
Oh look now the tent's blown away, it's in that tree, go and fetch it dear and I'll pack up. If we start out now we'll be home by 3am, if we can get the car out of this muddy field. I wish the sun would come out...

A typical Briton. (again)

July 15th

Britain sizzles in the sun.

sun

Oooh it's hot! I don't like it too hot, do you? I mean, I like a bit of sunshine as much as the next man but blimey! And you can't sleep at night when it's too hot can you? It's this muggy heat you see, not like you get abroad. Something to do with polution I'll be bound, and you never see the govenment doing anything about it do you? They should give us all free beer and a few days off so we can enjoy it... never mind hose-pipe bans, they should get the air-conditioning working!
I'm off on my holidays next week, I expect it'll rain.. I don't like rain.

A typical Briton.

June 10th

Football fever.

a ball (round)

The World Cup tournament started yesterday, you can't escape it, even Google's got a football on its logo this week (see below).. but they seem to have distorted the ball so it looks like an american one. Now look! Footballs are ROUND (see left), otherwise they don't roll properly. OK? England are off to a good start by dint of getting their opponents to knock one into their own goal.

This is confusing, so for those who aren't quite familiar with the game, here are the rules:

Two teams of eleven players run on the field to booing and heckles from the beer-lubricated crowd (all blokes). A 23rd man ("the ref" otherwise known as "bastard") blows a whistle and the players all run about after the ball, occasionally taking turns to kick it. They also attempt to kick their opponents in the shins. They are able to distinguish their opponents by the colour of their shirts.

google go football crazy too

At some point the ball will inevitably get stuck in one of the nets which are situated at either end of the ground. This happens despite the efforts of the player who acts as a kind of guard in front of the net. The game then stops while the crowd shouts loudly and some of the players race around exposing their belly-buttons and jumping in the air whilst others look glum.

The game lasts 45 minutes then it stops for a bit and re-starts with the teams swapped round and goes on for another 45 minutes. This 45 minutes can be extended by "injury time" where players try to inflict as many injuries on themselves and their opponents as possible (see Wayne Rooney's foot). All the time "the ref" runs about with the players but he never gets a turn to kick the ball. This must annoy him as he often gets cross with the players and blows his whistle, at which point they all stop and argue with him. These interludes usually finish with one or more of the players being handed a yellow or red card. Red ones are much prized and the recipient always leaves the field, his job done for the day.

If nobody wins they kick lots of balls at the nets until someone gets one in. Why they don't do this to start with and save a lot of time and effort I don't know.

The crowd then disperses singing tunelessly.

T.


May 27th

And tonight's top story is..

a foot

Wayne Rooney's foot.

Blah blah blah Wayne Rooney's broken foot, blah blah metatarsal fracture, blah blah modern boots, blah blah blah World Cup blah blah, will he be fit in time blah blah, reporter waiting outside hospital blah blah, Alex ferguson blah blah, Sven-Goran Eriksson blah blah blah bloody blah.

And in other news: The world has ended.

MT.


May 20th

Load of balls on TV again

The live National Lottery draw was interrupted tonight by a gang of men variously describing themselves as "Families Against The Lottery" and "Fathers 4 Justice". They rose from the audience as one and rushed the stage where affable Irish-man Eamon Holmes his beautiful assistant what's-er-name were left dumb-struck.

As the vision faded to a caption we were left with the mellifluous tones of Alan Deddicoat to assure us that everything was all right really.

We, of course, wanted to see the fracas but it was not to be. I imagine Holmes sitting on one of the protesters whilst Deddicoat bored the others into submission. I wish I'd been allowed to see it all...

T.

May 15th

Muslim pupils to be taught "British Values"

There are some superb initiatives coming out of Westminster these days. Following quickly on from Tony's assertion that all this "human rights" business has gone too far.. it's not in the public interest evidently.. the latest is the idea to reduce discontent amongst young British Muslims by schooling them in British Values.

British Values. Nice idea, but what exactly are they?

Lager drinking must rate pretty highly, get them all tanked up so they can't think straight. Then there's football violence, not random terrorism you understand but GBH directed squarely at fans of the opposing team, the British way!

Eating Pizzas and chips would appear to be fundamental to British culture as would vomiting in the streets on a Friday night.

I'm not sure that they're ready for all this, they're probably too busy studying, going to the Mosque and such.

Oh well, our government must know best mustn't they?

Hmm?

T

May 9th

New initiative makes for safer roads.

Driving on overcrowded British roads is hazardous enough without having to contend with the stupid behavior of some motorists so we should all welcome the introduction of new identifying marks to be displayed by drivers of below average intelligence.

Previous useless-driver identifiers such as baseball caps worn backwards, flat caps (or indeed any kind of hat) "baby on board" notices and "I've been to (insert name of dull holiday resort) " pennants were difficult to spot until one was in close proximity, and thus, danger.

The new symbol is clear and simple, and some particularly hopeless drivers are displaying large versions flying from small poles above the car roof. You can't miss them!

If you should come across a driver displaying one of these symbols you can safely assume them to be intellectually challenged. Give them a wide berth, expect unpredictable behavior and possible violence if challenged. You have been warned.

The symbol is shown below.



L

New symbol for "Driver of Low Intelligence"

watch out!

   



May 1st

Great week for British Politics

At last something exciting has been happening in Westminster and, it seems, in John Prescott's bedroom. Passing over the distasteful image of "Two Shags" and his diary maid (sorry. "diary secretary") we come to:

The home secretary, Mr. Rumbold from Are You Being Served, letting out all the prisoners so as to keep the numbers down and reduce prison food bills. Unfortunately many were supposed to be deported on release and nobody didn't not tell somebody else about it and they've all gone... somewhere; and are continuing murdering, raping stealing or whatever is their stock-in-trade with impunity.

Meanwhile schoolma'am-ish Health Secretary Patricia Hewitt tried to lecture a rebellious annual conference of the Royal College of Nurses. They weren't having it! Oh no.
Heckling wasn't the word for it. She was panned, harangued, humiliated and hung out to dry.
Evidently they didn't like being told how great it was in the NHS by someone who wasn't in it when many of their number are being threatened with redundancy. Can't understand why she set her self up for it myself.
If I were Patricia I'd be busy giving my diary secretary a good seeing to!

And the best thing is.

It's all true!

T

March 30th

We are receiving reports that a number of practical jokes which were being made ready for April 1st have escaped into the wild and could affect anyone at any time.
An outbreak of whoopee cushions has already caused considerable embarrassment on a bus in Crawley this afternoon and "kick me" notices have appeared on the backs of several unsuspecting traffic wardens in Byfleet.

Office workers are warned not to rush into little-used store rooms in case there is a bucket of water balanced on top of the door, and that toilets must be checked carefully for cling-film across the pan before use.

Government anti-joke squads are patrolling affected areas wiping the smiles off people's faces and telling all and sundry to "grow up".

You have been warned.

UB

March 16th

Do you speak hippo?

the happy couple

An orphaned hippo calf called "Owen" was introduced to a 120 year old giant tortoise at a wildlife sanctuary in Kenya recently. Owen was lonely and decided to have a chat with the tortoise (whose name is Mzee) and they struck up a great friendship. They sleep together, follow each other around (not very challeging for Owen but a great effort for Mzee) and they talk. Owen says "errrrrrrrrrrrrrrr" and Mzee replies "grrrmmmm" which is unusual in itself as he's not been heard to utter a sound for the previous 119 years. We can only speculate as to what they may have to say to eachother but it probably goes something like this:

Owen- "Alright?"
Mzee- "Alright?"
Owen- "Humans eh? What are they like!"
Mzee- "You haven't seen the half of it mate."
Owen- "They've rescued me though."
Mzee- "That's what I thought... but just you try and leave. I should've been in Somalia in 1980.. I'm a bit late now."
Owen- "Hmmm. Yes well I'll just go for a bit of a stroll."
Mzee- "Hang on, I'll come with you, hey! wait a mo, I'm not as quick as I used to be.... puff... Bloomin' kids!"


March 3rd

Be Nice!

what was that?

Policemen are no longer allowed to give "young offenders" a clip around the ear when they are caught being cheeky. In Blair's Britain they get an "ASBO" (Anti-Social Behavior Order). The young lad from Northumberland pictured here has been given an ASBO for making rude gestures in the street. We are sure that this will stop him doing such a thing ever again.





February 1st

Do you realise how fast you were going sir?

A policeman arrested for doing 159mph in his Police car was let off last year because he said he was practicing fast driving.. "That's OK then" said the judge, "Give my regards to Binky when you see him at the lodge won't you."

Unfortunately for him there was such an outcry that the case has been re-opened and he's probably "going down" this time. Presumably under the watchful eye of a rather less "sympathetic" judge?

It's a tonic for us all who have to suffer the "holier than thou" attitude of a traffic cop when he pulls one of us over to point out that we have failed to keep our number-plate clean or some such footling offence, to see justice being meted out to such a buffoon.

The excuse that he could only practice high speed driving on the M54 is staggeringly ridiculous. Has he never heard of "track days" at one of Britain's many fine road-racing circuits? I'm sure the Police could arrange a session for him... after all, he's not going to be driving on the public roads for some time (we trust).

MT

January 27th '06

Was whale killed by Ken?

Vets investigating the demise of a whale which had mistakenly swam up the Thames through London have found a clue as to why it may have expired.

The remains of a wheel clamp was found, hanging from the animal's fin. It seems it must have been put there by an over zealous traffic warden when the whale became beached. He had noticed that the whale had no tax disk and was obviously traveling through central London with no intention of paying the congestion charge.

UB

January 19th 2006

Burns Victim in BB House

gorilla pete burns
A Gorilla Pete Burns

There was trouble in the Big Brother House today when ex Dead Or Alive singer and plastic-surgery enthusiast Pete Burns had to hand over his fur coat to police. He had claimed that it was made from real gorilla fur.
Gorillas are of course a protected species.
Big Brother's "celebrities" aren't.



January 17th 2006

Green Light for Red Lights.

Government ministers are looking into prostitution, nothing unusual about that of course.
They don't like the idea of girls walking the streets looking for clients, it's too cold at this time of year and the "clients" keep damaging the alloy wheels of their ministerial cars whilst Kerb-crawling.
So they have come up with the idea of replacing the street-walkers with two women in a flat. Now I don't have much personal experience of prostitution but I imagine that these two girls are going to be rather over worked...

MT (apart from the bit about ministers visiting prostitutes, that obviously can't be true...)


December 9th

David Cameron

Tory young-bloods check in.

New Tory leader, 39 year-old David Cameron, got off to a great start when he used his position of youth to harangue the Labour government for being "Yesterday's men with yesterday's policies". He then appointed Ken Clark, William Hague and Iain Duncan-Smith to his shadow cabinet.

Doh!

T

December 6th

It's for you Bonzo.

A bone-shaped cell-phone for dogs is due to be launched in the USA (why are we not surprised?...) next March. The PetCell fits to the dog's collar and is "paws free", being an auto answering speaker-phone. Not only that, but your dog gets sat-nav built in so there's no excuse for him getting lost when fetching your paper and slippers. Can't see how they're going to text eachother though...

T

(true)

Yes it is, honest! See here if you don't believe us.

November 26th

Drunk bloke dies!

A wife-beating ex footballer who drank until his liver gave up, had a transplant and then did it again has finally died. A nation mourns...

T!

November 19th

pissed pigeon plummets

The culture of binge-drinking is spreading world-wide. We hear from our New Zealand correspondent that those "rats of the sky", pigeons, have taken it up. They are getting drunk on fermented fruit and falling senseless out of the trees.
Local vets then scoop them up, de-tox them and send them on their way. Sounds like a lesson to us all. Why don't we send teams of vets round to scoop up the drunks as they fall out of the pubs, de-tox them, put a ring around their legs, then release them somewhere far away and see if they can find their way home?

T

October 3rd

Gorillas use tools say scientists.

Scientists in the Congo have observed gorillas using tools viz a stick to navigate a river. First our hairy cousin tested the depth of the water with his newly obtained implement, then he used it to steady his progress across the fast-flowing watercourse. Great!
I could have told those scientists that gorillas use tools... you should've seen the builders we had in to repair the garage! Cor blimey etc.

MT

A bit predictable surely? Ed.


September 19th

Nobody wins German election

It seems that the German general election has ended in a tie with the CDU/CSU and the SPD having each earned about 35% of the vote. In Britain this would just mean that the Labour party would pal up with the Liberal Democrats to gain a working majority. Unfortunately for Germany, the minor parties hate the major parties so much that they are loath to team up with either of them.
Principles winning-out over the possibility of power? We'll see how long that lasts!

Below: Some German politicians who didn't quite win...

judy finnigan

Judy Finnigan

Terry Wogan


T

.

September 9th

Dyisllexaia duzn't egzist sez docta.

Turns out little Johnny's inability to read is down to him having reading difficulties, not some magic disease called Dys.. err.. you know the one.
Trouble is, that doesn't sound very good does it? Reading difficulties are what thick kids have aren't they? Little Johnny is bright so we'll have to think of some other name that middle class parents can use won't we?
Let's see, how about MCKRD? (Middle Class Kid's Reading Disorder) that's better!

MT

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August 22nd

And now the world news:
Mariah Carey says she Didn't have it off with Emineminem but he says she did and that she wants more and she says she never did and he's a big fat liar and anyway he was no good in bed, probably because he was always taking sleeping pills.. and then there's that Courtney Love who Did have it off with Steve Coogan for 24 hours and is up the stick but he says he can't remember anything about it because he was taking some other pills and wasn't sleepy (obviously) and she's a bit disappointed and has told the papers so it must be true.

LF

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August 13th

Computerised Bugle blows up a storm.

The Britsh army has been testing an electronic bugle that can play the Last Post and other popular tunes without the aid of a skilled bugler. Recent tests have given mixed results. At one particularly embarrassing event Colonel Leftbridge Fotheringay Ffitch was being lowered into his grave, the bugler lifted the instrument to his lips and the strains of "The Girl From E-Panema" by the Peruvian Nose-flute All-Stars issued forth. A swift re-prgramming was attempted but all that could be coaxed from the the electro-bugle was the theme tune to Roobarb and Custard.
Plans to use it at future high-profile events have been put on hold.

LB

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May 13th

Can you see what it is yet?

Rolf Harris, children's artist and man who infamously recorded Led Zep's Stairway to Heaven having never even heard the original, is to paint a portrait of the Queen.
He claims it'll be "impressionistic", so let's hope Her Majesty is fully prepared for a Jake The Peg extra leg or a Two Little Boys wooden horse.
If not, it'll be more than his kangeroo that's tied down...

T

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May 6th

British Election News.

It's over.

You can come out now.

Nothing's changed much.

Give it a couple more days before you turn on the TV / Radio or read a newspaper though...

T

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May 4th

Cowboy Clampers Immobilised.

British car parks are set to be safer as new regulations to curb the activities of cowboy clampers come into force.
From now-on, anyone found clamping a cowboy in a car-park will be locked up.
I should think so too! This sort of cruelty has to stop...

MT

.

May 1st

Sorry beast, wrong number.

It has been revealed that the number 666 may not be that of "the beast", his number is actually 616. The mistake was made many centuries ago in a transcription of the New Testament say scientists who have unearthed a third century manuscript.

This of course has consequences, firms such as Ranch 616 who serve South Texas cuisine might face a religious backlash whilst the whole telephone area of Michigan (yes it's area code 616) is now cursed.
Manufacturers who have studiously avoided products with the number "666" in them now find their "616" models are now blighted. Sorry Nokia.. makers of the Devil's phone.

Another consequence is that the moniker of "The Devil's Road" must transfer from the A666 Pendlebury to Langho road, to the A616 Newark-on-Trent to Huddersfield road. It's a toss-up whether getting lost in Blackburn or Sheffield is more devilish.. Let the old Lancashire / Yorkshire rivalry continue.

T

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April 28th

Exploding Toad Mystery Solved.

a demonstartion

We're indebted to IT News site The Register for the solution to the perplexing problem of Hamburg's exploding toads. Evidently the animals were swelling to enormous size and then going off "pop" with disastrous results (for the toads). The villain of the piece it seems was not radiation or pollution of the water, but crows.
Yes, the unattractive black birds with the worst song since Busted split, are the culprits. They peck holes in an unfortunate toad to get at its liver. The toad, naturally affronted by this, employs its natural defence mechanism vis. it puffs itself up to look big and frightening. Unfortunately the damage done by the crow allows air from the lungs to enter the abdomen and the toad just keeps huffing and puffing until he bursts...
Anyone got any waterproof elastoplasts? Best ship them to Hamburg.

T

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April 20th

Pope smokes.

New pope Benedict XVI was today censured by Euro pollution officials after first white then black smoke was released from a chimney on the Sistine Chapel.
"This is a smokeless zone and we take a very serious view of this breach of the regulations" said a spokesperson before being damned for eternity by an unexpectedly large contingent of Cardinals.

UB

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April 3rd

Jane Austen is American!

cool jane!

Scottish production company Ecosse Films is set to cast Anne Hathaway in the role of Jane Austen in a forthcoming film about the author.
She sounds like a nice English girl doesn't she? Of course she's absolutely gorgeous, as anyone in a film must be, but she's also from the USA...

"Gee Mr Rochester, I can so smell burning!"

It'll be another winner, at least for British voice coaches.

T

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April 2nd

Roy of the Readers.

The devisors of a scheme to encourage children to pick up a book and read, have enlisted the services of Premier-league footballers. These "role models" are not noted for their ability to speak coherently let alone read, so it's interesting to see what books they've chosen:
Many of the titles are, unsurprisingly, children's books like The Little Prince chosen by Moritz Volz of Everton or Roald Dahl's The Twits by Steve Clemence of Birmingham City. (I'm making no comment on that one!) If you prefer looking at the pictures you can try Lomana LuaLua's choice of a nice Tintin comic book. (There's nothing wrong with Tintin! Ed)
Presumably these are the last books they remember reading?

Wayne Roony doesn't seem to be represented so maybe he really can't read books, only bank statements? We can also speculate what book recently released prisoner Jermaine Pennant of Birmingham City would choose; something by Jeffrey Archer perhaps?

There are some worthy titles but you wonder if they've been chosen for effect.. how many kids does Ryan Giggs hope to inspire to wade through Nelson Mandella's Long Walk To Freedom for instance?

Still it's a laudable idea and we wish them success. Just don't have nightmares after reading Stephen King's If, if you're a 10 year-old footie fan.

T

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March 31st

Royal Gaffe

I'll get you, Nicholas!

Prince Charles landed himself in hot water despite sitting in the snow with William and Harry this week.
In an aside to his boys he described BBC royal correspondent Nicholas Witchell as "An awful man" whom he "couldn't bear", which, as anyone who has seen Witchell knows, is way off the mark.
He is, in fact, an obnoxious little ginger upstart who was only given the job of royal correspondent to get him out of the way of the serious journos at the BBC.

It was then wondrous to see journalists trying to take the moral high ground, pontificating about how he shouldn't have said such a thing, when everyone else in the country agreed with him!

Charles wins this week's "Grumpy Dad" award.

T

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March 20th

Britain "not freezing cold" shock!

As temperatures soared to an incredible 15 degrees Celsius over Southern England this weekend, crowds flocked to enjoy the sunshine. Brighton beach was crammed with revellers who divested themselves of all but their wind-cheater sweaters and furry boots in order to bask in the mildness.
"I haven't experienced anything like this since last year" cried a middle-aged man in an anorak "Look! I've not got it zipped all the way up!" he proudly boasted before his wife took him away to sit in the car with a flask of tea.

Weather forecasters predict rain.

T-ish

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February 21st

Footballer's wife gives birth (surgically of course)

Victoria and David Beckham have a new baby son whom they are to name "Cruz", a girl's name in Spain. That's not the only problem the newborn may have to contend with; we asked Mystic Marge to asses his future prospects via her crystal ball...

Well, the boy is born in Pisces and he will be a visionary. This could be a problem for him as his parents... err... aren't. He should be charitable though, which may help I suppose?
I see that he will have no talent for football or singing, rather like his mother, and he will be artistic so he'll be able to tell them how naff most of their stuff is!

Oh. Aah. Yes, thanks Marge and shut the door on your way out.

MT

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February 19th/21st/22nd

Here comes the Winamop consumer watchdog. Lamp-posts look out!

Shock-horror in the food retailing industry today as supermarkets rush to reassure us that the processed crap they're selling us isn't carcinogenic after all.. even when a batch of a banned food-colouring got used in the making of some "Worcester Sauce" (not Lea and Perrins of course!) used in all sorts of pre-processed products.
We decided to investigate, nothing strenuous you understand, just sitting in front of the PC looking at the corporate web-sites of the major British supermarkets.
We soon found mention of the "Sudan I" product recall on Sainsbury's web-site with a full list of all their affected products.
Hats off to Sainsbury's then. Elsewhere things weren't so good...
Tesco, Morrisons/Safeway, Somerfield, Asda and M&S had not a word to say on the subject but kept blah-ing on about how much they cared about their quality and our well-being. Yeah, right!
Lidl's web-site informed us that they were cheap and showed us some ladies in underwear to prove the point whilst Aldi's top news story was that their Soupreme (sic) Tomato Soup at 27p "Has a smashing tangy flavour and a nice smooth texture. I love it. More please!"
Sadly, with all this "useful" information on their web-sites they couldn't find space for the recall information either.

Disappointing I think you'll agree, but we didn't rest on out laurels; we ordered the lingerie... err... no we didn't! We e-mailed the stores to ask why they didn't publish the information.
Let's see what they say.

T

Update: Monday 21st:

Well, the responses have flooded in, from Somerfield at least! They promised to have the information on their website this morning and, good as their word, they did. Better late than never Somerfield!

Meanwhile over at M & S, they didn't reply but they do now have a list and Asda have put a link on their front page to the FSA site, but have forgotten to change the "ALT" tag so it says it'll take you to their wine dept...

Tesco (Britain's biggest supermarket), Morrisons/Safeway, Aldi and Lidl appear to have done bugger-all!
This is absolutely appalling on the day the FSA announced that they have added a further 38 products to the list of contaminated products. It really does conjure up a picture of the shopkeeper calling out "Roll up, buy our quality food, it's good for you!" whilst his assistant hides a large barrel labelled "Poison" behind a curtain.
If only I could draw.


Update: Tuesday 22nd:

Tesco have replied! They're considering updating their website and sent some Excel spreadsheets of their affected products. By the time they update the website people will have eaten all the stuff they had in the kitchen...

The wobbly-trolley award must go to Morrisons though... No reply, no information. They just don't care do they? Shop elsewhere.

February 18th

The Smartie tube is to be axed!

Gone will be the joy of finishing the last crunchy-coated chocolate bean and then thumping the empty tube so that the top pops off across the classroom hitting Dianne Creely in the ear, landing you in detention again.

Ah happy days.... (sighs, turn and shuffles sadly back to dusty desk.)

T

Note: For our American readers, Smarties are candy-coated chocolates sold in the UK since 1937. They come (came) in a cardboard tube with a tight-fitting plastic lid.

See here for more Smartie info than is really healthy.


February 10th

Flatpack fracas.

The district of Edmonton in North London was brought to a standstill early this morning as thousands turned up for the midnight opening of a new Ikea store. Some had waited up to 11hrs for this momentous occasion but it all turned sour when crowds surged and tempers flared.
"My STAMNING got squashed and my FACKLA's bent." complained Donald Toup of Hendon, whilst Linda Gretch failed to escape with her KAXAS intact.
Others were even less fortunate "I couldn't even get my hands on a POANG, they'd all gone!" cried Mary Mullet "And Brian's SKYRUVSTA will never swivel again... I think they're a load of BASTANT baskets"
I came across a crest-fallen man staring at a pile of splintered chipboard, "What's that?" I enquired.
"FAKTUM" he replied.
"Yes it does seem to have". I replied.

cont'd page 94 of the Ikea catalogue.

MT

.

February 7th

A man was arrested after an attempted break-in at a snack bar went wrong.
He was disturbed and had to make a run for it, but in the scramble to escape his false teeth fell out.

Police were able to trace the offender from his National Insurance number which was stamped on the teeth.

Time for some old chestnuts:
The Police like a case they can get their teeth into!
I expect they sent for Gnasher of The Yard?
Some incisive detective work there!
Smile son you're nicked... oh sorry you can't can you!
You've really got into a scrape this time.
It's a (tooth) brush with the law.

For goodness sake stop this now! (Ed.)

T

.

February 2nd

Britain has a new political party!
As if the Monster Raving Loony Party and the UK Independance Party weren't enough, we now have "Veritas" courtesy of our old friend Robert "Kilroy" Silk... Yes, the bloke who left UKIP just a couple of weeks ago, the bloke who was booted-out of the BBC last year.
We wanted to find out what Veritas stands for (yes I know it literally means "truth" but that can't be right if Kilroy's involved) so we looked on the web until we found the Veritas web-site.

They can't be all bad can they? Nice bit of meditation on the beach... lovely!
See you in Worthing for the BBQ, I trust Bob's bringing the Champagne?

MT

.

January 21st

The UK Independence Party was tonight in sombre mood as its star recruit Robert "Kilroy" Silk left in a huff. "We're really sad to see him go" said a spokesman who seemed to be overcome with grief as his shoulders started shaking and he tried to hide the tears behind his handkerchief.

Silk used to present a bad "Jerry Springer" type TV show which was dropped by the BBC after he made some un-PC remarks in a newspaper.
I understand that the BBC were similarly upset to see him go...

T

.

January 7th

An item in The Independent today caught WINAMOPIAN attention as the very stuff to stiffen British sinews against the awful tide of terror:

"A Dorset farmer's suspicions about a group of Muslim men looking at his goats became part of Home Secretary David Blunkett's case for using emergency powers to detain two asylum seekers.'

Well, of course it did! Good old Blunkett can smell gross criminality at a distance of one hundred miles when odious foreigners are involved in ghastly gatherings in wet fields! We can easily imagine these conspirators closeted in dingy attics in Battersea discussing the vile deeds they will commit in pursuit of their campaign of horror. Shall we creep out and peer at pigs in Pontypool? Leer at poultry in Leatherhead? Frown at foals in Feltham? Stare at stoats in Somerset or hedgehogs in Hereford? No, wait, we have it! Goats are famed in fable as the familiars of witches and favourites of the Devil. They devour nettles, bump babies, and chase coppers up alleys. The very beasts to terrify the yokels of Dorset. Off we'll go, boys, and gaze at goats.

Blunkett's advisers, of course, considered carefully: With what crime shall we charge these dangerous alien intruders? Eh? Er, Dunno. But in the meantime let's lock 'em up and fling away the key. That will give a good impression. Show we're vigilant, and have everything under strictly tight and tightly taut control. Yippee! An emergency at last. Good old Blunk! What a pity he's gone off to spend more time with someone else's family. He will return, never fear, he will return... Malefactors beware!

T

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January 1st 2005

Binge-drinking, a special report. By Hogmanay O'Booze.

Oh dear oh dear oh dear!
Never again...
What was I thinking? That bottle of Sambuca's been at the back of the cupboard for years, why did I decide to drink it last night?... and my eyebrows appear to have gone, I suppose I must have tried to flame it too?.. And the 18 year old scotch, that hasn't gone has it?... Oh dear.
The vintage claret? We drank that too?... Damn!
And the toilet duck? Mmmm, that left a nice fresh feeling in the mouth didn't it?
Excuse me a minute whilst I go to the bathroom.... see you in a week or so...

LF

.

24th December 2004

Queen's message preview.

Winamop has intercepted the one of the early tapes of the Queen's Christmas message from a rubbish bin outside Buckingham Palace...

(Queen's voice) "Hello one two, testing testing. Is one on?"

(Sound man) "Yes your majesticness, crack on now."

(Queen) "Yees, you nasty little man, one will crack on when one is ready. Ahem (clears throat) My loyal subjects.."

(Producer) "Tony wants you to say citizens m'am."

(Queen) "Look, you oik, I'm the bleedin' Queen and you're my subjects right? Tony can take his citizens and stuff them up his..."

(Producer) "Yes m'am, OK we'll go with subjects if you insist."

(Queen) "You better believe it buddy! Ahem. (clears throat) Well, it's been another annus horribilis here at the palace..."

(tittering in background)

(Queen) "Look, I said annus right? It means year! Anyway; that bloody dog of Anne's has eaten one of my favourite corgies, should've had the thing locked in the tower when it bit those children in the park...
Phillip!.. Phillip!... (sounds of shuffling about, swearing, bumping into things etc.) Will you stay still? One is trying to record one's heartwarming Christmas speech."

(Phillip) "For goodness sake woman, nobody wants to hear you droning on on Christmas day. They want Ant and bloody Derek and the Pop Idiots or somesuch cobblers!"

(Queen) "Oh stuff it one isn't doing it then, there's no fee anyway. Pass the gin, it's in that Tupperware box.... (slurp, burp)... That's better, merry Christmas one and all!"

L

.

17th December

Wright Flight Flop

"By our skills and daring we will continue to lead the world in flight." Said George W as he stood beside a pile of matchsticks which had, only moments before, been a replica of the Wright brother's Kitty Hawk.
It had failed to get off the ground.

100 years ago, the original Kitty Hawk reached the dizzy height of several feet as its 12-second flight was witnessed by a few onlookers.

In another 100 years we'll probably be back to bumping along the ground if current trends continue:
The 21st century aeronautical industry has so far failed to come up with a successor to Concorde, the 1960s supersonic passenger jet which was finally pensioned-off last month.
The age of supersonic passenger flight is over, Thunderbirds were wrong... and so is George W.

T

.

12th December

Coventry enters new millennium

The city of Coventry is often overlooked, and wisely so, for apart from the superb cathedral there hasn't been much to recommend it.
But just as everyone else's "millennium" project is going bust (or already has, in the case of the dome), Coventry finally get theirs finished.
Millennium place, an open plaza where events can be held, is the heart of the scheme and is set to re-launch Coventry into the cultural big league tomorrow with a concert by... errr... Atomic Kitten...
Top choice.

T

.

10th December

Troll road opens

A new road for Trolls has opened near Birmingham.
Trolls who do not wish to travel to Birmingham can now avoid it by taking the M6 Troll which will take them to Cannock instead.

Is that really a good thing?

LF

.

8th December

Sock seizure shock

British special-branch officers have seized some terrorists socks from a house in England. These socks of mass destruction were attached to a piece of string and could probably have been hung around a terrorists neck, say police.
"The socks contained traces of T.N.T, P.E.T.N, R.D.X and S.W.E.A.T which could form a devastating combination" one officer warned.
"We are also urging people to keep a lookout for exploding underpants, biological bras and thermonuclear thongs. You can't be too careful these days. Mind how you go now. Evenin' all."

Police will be on the trail of the terror-socks over the next few weeks, so double-check those innocent looking Christmas stockings and don't hang them too near the fire.....

T-ish

.

3rd December

Shock news from Schumacher

Michael Schumacher, world champion racing driver supreme, has signalled his intention to reintroduce the challenge to his racing. After another easy championship triumph for Michael and his Ferrari in 2003 he has decided to switch to struggling team Bill's Motors Racing next year.

Bill Hoskins, team supremo, explains the modus operandi of Team Bill's:
"Well we got two nice motors, Mike'll be driving the MG Montego 'cos it's got a good turn of speed and handles nice whereas Damon, our other top-name signing, 'e'll 'ave the XR3i.
What we're 'opin' for is to get in the way a bit and punt some of the others off the circuit, Mike's proved 'is worth on that score many times, so I reckon we've a good chance."

Bills is a small outfit and doesn't have the resources of the larger teams but they are not downcast:
"No 'course not mate! Mike and Damon'll bring their own sandwiches and I've got a nice little caravan that we can tow behind the Montego. We'll be real comfy!
If Mike does well we'll even get a tin of them bratwurst things as a special treat I reckon!
If Damon does well.... err... well it's not very likely is it really?"

L

.

2nd December

Public service pop.

The BBC put it's foot in it's (presumably toothless) mouth when it announced that the revolting fizzy pop, Coca Cola was to be plugged on the newly revamped Top Of The Pops TV show and the Radio1 top 40.
Just at the time when the government is considering putting health warnings on junk food!

Presumably now that Coca Cola is helping public service broadcasting in this way it will be exempt from the warnings?

Watch out for a "MacDonalds, Proud sponsors of the Labour Party" advert soon...

MT

.

1st December

Don't phone home.

The use of hand-held mobile phones by British drivers, became illegal today.

Our Motoring Correspondent, Max Revs, phoned in this report.

"Well it's hands free for me from now on! You join me in the driver's seat of the new turbo-charged Subaru Forester doing 110mph on some back roads covered in wet leaves and horse manure . I'm reporting in on my mobile phone in compliance with the new regs which I think are pretty foolish I can tell you!"

"It's a good job that the Subaru is a sure footed as someone who's very sure about their feet, oh yes indeed. Just listen to that engine note, fabulous! Perhaps I should really change gear now as I'm still in second? Hang on a sec.... it's a bit tricky whilst holding the phone and steering with my knees... whoops!"

At this point the line went dead and we received the rest of the report sometime later.

"Hello again. Max Revs now test driving one of the NHS's latest hospital beds. This one's got traction control built in too.... ouch! That's enough traction surely nurse!"

"Anyway the hands-free thing was a complete disaster. How anyone is supposed to drive properly without using their hands beats me, changing gear is nigh-on impossible! I can see the point of it though, being able to text people whilst driving would be very useful. I guess I'll just have to keep practising. I wonder if Subaru will lend me another Forester to complete the test?"

A spokesman for Subaru did comment but we are unable to reproduce it here for fear of prosecution under the obscene publications act.

L

.

19th November

Unpresidented security...

It seems that despite hundreds of extra police vetting all incoming visitors to the UK, George Bush has still managed to get in!
What with that and the palace being full of Daily Mirror reporters it's a good job that the terrorists are more incompetent than the security forces...

T

.

15th November

Train company makes profit!

Hornby, the makers of model railway and Scalextric car racing kits are expanding after an increase in profits.
Having had success with a Hogwarts Express train set they have turned their attention to maximising the market for the Scalextric road-racing sets. They are introducing Scalextric skateboarding Simpsons characters, skateboarding Ninja Turtles and Scalextric GP motorcycles (not on skateboards).
Fantastic! I want a set of skateboarding Jarvis executives who fly off the track due to incomplete points installation and get eaten by the dog....

T

.

10th November

Scotsmen wear skirts says EU.

A month ago discredited Euro statistics agency "Eurostat" issued a questionnaire to Scottish firms about the products they sold. Unfortunately for kiltmakers, there was no space in which to enter the national dress. They were told to enter kilts as "Ladies Skirts".

Large, hairy legged Scotsmen the country over were incensed at the suggestion that they wore skirts. The Scottish Executive leapt into action (there's a first time for everything and, after all, this was of national importance) and had the forms amended.

So the crisis is now averted, but just wait until they try and audit the haggis population....

T

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8th November

Danger ships arrive.

Not only has the cruise liner packed with vomiting passengers just returned from the Med but a couple of ex US-Navy ships jammed with asbestos have docked at Hartlepool.
What with that and Sellafield inviting the world to send its radioactive waste over here for reprocessing things are getting pretty bad.
Isn't there anywhere else in the world where they would accept a load of toxic crap?
Let's see where MacDonuts are opening the most restaurants and send it all there.

LF

.

6th November

Winamop at the MTVEurope Music Awards

1945hrs: Well here we are, live from Edinburgh at the MTV awards....
What an amazing talent Kelly Osborne is! Witty, respectful, knowledgeable and pretty. A joy to behold.

Hang on, who's this in the circus clown's outfit, with mad hair, a pink shirt, bow tie, colourful braces and matching socks? Surely it must be local hero, Sir David Steel, he's grown since we last saw him and what a good tan too!
Oops no! It's Wally 2000, or whatever his name is, from Outkast.

2005hrs: Oh dear. The poor woman! Christina Aguilera's just come on and we can all see her bottom! What a terrible faux-pas!
Now here's a bald man in a leather kilt... bring back Christina! Ah here she is in a different outfit, she must have sent the first one to the menders.

2100hrs: Just awoken from a deep sleep. It appears Dido was performing live.
Oh well, just in time for the hip-hop award, and what a surprise, Eminem's won it... what a pity he didn't have time to finish his tea before coming on the TV. Why does the sound keep cutting out? Surely he wasn't swearing in his acceptance speech?

2120hrs: Hold the front page, there's been some kind of alien invasion, or explosion...
Ah! It's AC-DC! errr, no it isn't it's Queen (Freddie's looking OK considering he's been dead for years).

I've just been told that it's a new beat combo from East Anglia who are quite popular at the moment The Darkness.
Are you sure it wasn't The Sweet?

2145: The Quickfit Fitters have come onto the stage, dancing in their overalls.
Oh, sorry, I'm wrong again, It's Missy Elliott and some gentleman friends.

According to MTV Europe, the best female is Christina Aguilera!
Well that's lucky because she's hosting the show....
This is outfit number six I think, now if the award was for most outfits she would have deserved it!

Best male is Justin Timberlake. What a lovely couple they'll make.

2210: Goodness me! Lots of naked people! In Scotland! In November! Brrrr... Is this what passes for entertainment these days?
I must say I like it!

Coldplay are the best group in the world... again. No points for originality there.

Ah goody, here comes Kelly and she's slagging off Christina again (best of pals really of course). I like a little edge, better than all this mutual admiration stuff. Go Kelly, stick one on her!

Booo! Justin Timberlake has just arrived for his third award! Robbie must be feeling a bit cheesed as he's been nominated for practically everything except best female and hasn't won a thing. Poor fellow.

Oh dear, there seems to be something wrong with the sound, or we have regressed to 1983, or it's Kraftwerk.

2235: Christina's back in outfit number ten and she's having a pop at Kelly, rise above it dear, you have more dresses than she does!
Now she's examining the contents of several Scotsmen's kilts.
This really is a high class show. Thankyou MTV!

Beyonce has just come on to accept her award for being gorgeous and not having won anything else. Well done!

Pink has taken to the stage in a rather tight catsuit sporting a barbed tail. Brazen Hussie!
She's doing some throbbing rock'n'roll, maybe she should team up with the Darkness?

2245: Well that's about it. I must say I didn't enjoy it much, far too raucous and it's past my bedtime.
So goodnight from the team here in Edinburgh, we're off to sink a few bevvies with the MTV kids.
Are you sure they're old enough to come to the pub? No? What a pity........

T

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2nd November

Otis Tarva makes a comeback

a Great Bustard in full plumage
A Great Bustard

Never heard of him? Not surprising really, it's not a '60s soul singer (although it does make a loud rasping sound), it is better known as the Great Bustard, a turkey-like bird weighing up to 15kg. This former native of the British Isles has been extinct here since the early 19th century and previous attempts to re-introduce it have failed.

The bird's habitat has been under pressure due to modern agricultural methods and shortage of open grassland in the UK... Um... It is a shy bird and won't come out to parties unless it can bring its friends.

A team of ornithologists is hoping to settle a breeding pair somewhere or other... err, look are you sure we've got the right picture there?

It's Nell! That's the woman with the enormous 'orse who rides at the Beaufort hunt. I hope she doesn't see this or we're really in trouble... you don't argue with Nell (or her horse).

Here's a picture of a Bustard.

T

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1st November

Postal strike spreads

The British Post Office is in turmoil as "wildcat" strikes take place throughout the country disrupting mail delivery.
Customers have started to express their opinions on the strike:
"For goodness sake!", Brian Crump of Wapping exclaimed, "My letterbox has been completely devoid of offers of credit cards, loans and charity appeals. What am I going to line the hamster's cage with now?"
"As if that weren't inconvenient enough, I have no bills to pay.... Come to think of it, I haven't had any postcards from my aunt Hilda recently either."
"Perhaps they should stay out!"

Thanks Brian.

LF

.

31st October

Harley Rider detained

Harley Davidson rider Pete Wilson was detained by the authorities yesterday on a charge of "riding a Harley whilst clean shaven".
When asked where was his beard he could only mumble something about being fed up with it and shaving it off!
He could be charged with the more serious offence of "bringing Harley riders into disrepute" if he doesn't come up with a more convincing argument.
We should point out that his beer-gut was in perfect condition so that should count in his favour.

L

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30th October

IDS out (What a surprise).

"I'll fight to the finish" he said.
Well for him, it's finished, and he didn't fight!
Had he landed a punch on Michael Portillo, owner of the cheesiest website we've seen for a long time, we'd all have applauded.
But he didn't.
He didn't bat an eyelid.
His upper-lip remained stiff as he lost the vote of no competence... or was it no charisma?

Bye then.

Who will remember him in a years time?

T

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29th October

'Ello 'Ello, need another pinta?

West Midlands Police are to use milkmen, driving instructors and delivery drivers as trouble spotters to help reduce crime in Halesowen.
This is all very well, although I don't suppose the milkman would be much good in a high-speed pursuit, but what happens when the trouble spotter spots a suspicious incident?
Well he could go after the miscreant with a bottle of silver-top but he's supposed to report it to the Police. So guess what happens next?
Yes, that's right, nothing, nada, naff-all. The real Police are all too busy filling in mountains of Tony Blair's new paperwork to get off their bottoms and investigate...

T

.

25th October

UK sport not dead

Our international sportsmen are off to Canada to reclaim a little of the kudos lost by our soccer / cricket / athletic teams.
They are to compete in the world "Scissor Paper Stone" championships..

Team Captain James Lawson said "Our chosen sport has all the intensity, drama and excitement of a Rugby World Cup and the team I've put together is determined to carry the trophy home."

No we didn't make that one up...

T

.

23rd October

Who?

Iain Duncan Smith's tenuous grasp of the leadership of the Tory party is under threat again.

  Who?

Iain Duncan Smith, you know, the "quiet man"?

  Doesn't ring a bell... you say he's Tory leader, isn't that William Hague?

No! It's Iain Duncan Smith, two 'i's and two surnames. Looks a bit like Hague but has no sense of humour.

  Can't say I know the chap, was he at Blackpool?

Yes, he made a speech looking down at the autocue all the way through.

  So he's going is he?

The vultures are circling, yes. It's evidently because he doesn't have a high enough public profile.

  Hmm, that's hard to believe isn't it? What was his name again?

Doh!

T

.

22nd October

Fish to go

Fairgrounds operating in Liverpool have been forbidden to give away goldfish in plastic bags as prizes.
This traditional reward for knocking a coconut off a stand or hooplah-ing a vase is no longer politically correct as it's cruel to the fish.

Cruelty to fish is not to be encouraged of course, so how about Liverpool council banning fishing? After all, is it crueller to put a fish in a plastic bag full of water or to wrench it out of the river with a hook stuck through its mouth?

Get things into perspective chaps....

T

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20th October

The Starvation is over

Well it's been a long time.
Forty-four days without solid food, an impressive achievement.
We spoke to the emaciated being in a hospital bed..

"So how long have you been surviving without food?"
"About 6 weeks this time Brian, my anorexia is getting worse."
"Thanks... err... Sharon. I think we're in the wrong room."

Over to our correspondent in Ethiopia.

"Mtumi, how long have you been surviving without food now?"
"About 6 weeks this time Brian, the famine is getting worse."
"Thanks... err... I think we're in the wrong country.

Wasn't there someone else we should've spoken to?
No I didn't think there was....

LF

.

19th October

Blood crisis averted.

A call from the Scottish National Blood Service for more blood has been answered generously by Scottish donors.
The SNBS had feared that supplies of the famous breakfast dish Black Pudding would dry up if supplies weren't forthcoming.

Thanks to the generous donors, Scottish breakfasts are safe. (The breakfasts are safe, not the consumers of the cholesterol fest...)

LF

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18th October

What's in a name?

Children's names are getting sillier. These days it's not just the rich and famous who give their babies ridiculous names, everyone's doing it.
One of the trends is to name the child after favourite products such as Nike or Reebok for boys and there are many instances of girls being named "Channel".

One sad statistic to come out of this survey is that there were 24 infants lumbered with the name "Unique" in the last year...

T

.

14th October

Is that bloke still there?

We've all forgotten about David Blaine the famous 'Aunt Sally'. He's been in his box for 38 days now.
Even the egg-throwers are losing interest.

Winamop predicts he'll pull some sort of a stunt in the next few days to remind us he's still dangling there.
Urgent medical attention suddenly required perhaps?

Place your bets now.

(Sorry for reminding you... got any out-of-date eggs? I'm off to London tomorrow).

T

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12th October

Bags of room on board.

Except on Virgin Trains.
To allow them to carry more people on their trains, Virgin have hit on the idea of sending the luggage by road. Presumably this means they can offer sleeping accommodation in the luggage racks?

So as you travel by train to Exeter your luggage is stuck in a traffic jam near Preston. Don't worry, it'll be there in a day or two.
Winamop suggests cutting out the middle man, if the luggage is going by road why not go with it and tell Dicky Branson to stuff his hopeless trains?

T

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11th October

Jarvis decide not to fix the railways any more and their share price goes up. See 18th September.
So who is fixing the wretched things then? I thought I hadn't seen Brian from the garage for a while...

MT

.

10th October

FCUK me! We're in trouble this time.

Some time ago French Connection, the clothing company, had the frightfully amusing idea of calling themselves French Connection UK and trading under the initials F.C.U.K. geddit?
The opportunities for suggestive advertising thus afforded were not overlooked, such as a new scent marketed to American teenagers called Scent to Bed. The promotional gimmick being a sample in a teen mag with the tag line "Open this and try to fcuk her". Ho ho! and it's not really rude at all is it?
Well the powerful lobby group The American Family Association thought it was. An internet campaign said "For a major retailer to sell this type of product is reprehensible to me." Well, grammar aside, they were seriously annoyed and have managed to get Bloomingdales and Mays department stores to withdraw the stuff, Marshall Fields may follow.

A spokesman for FCUK said "Oh siht!"

MT

.

9th October

Happy Birthday WD40!

"Water Dispersant" 40 has been around for 50 years today. It was developed to prevent NASA's rockets rusting and has been used for many purposes since.

It has been used by a Fire Department to free a naked man from an air-conditioning duct. It has been used to aid in the unwrapping of a python from the steering wheel of a bus and there are those who claim it is effective in easing stiffness in arthritic joints.

A hostess reported that she sprays the top of her toilet cistern with WD40 to prevent addicts using cocaine in the lavatory.

One thing it shouldn't be used for is cleaning the weeny little buttons on the control panel of a video recorder. My brother-in-law sprayed his with it and the machine hasn't worked since.

T

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7th October

Radio 1 raises Irritation Factor.

Chris Moyles, recently voted Radio's most irritating DJ is to replace Sara Cox (the almost as irritating "Coxy") on the breakfast show.
The decision is interesting as the Radio 1 breakfast show has been losing listeners for the past couple of years and the appointment of the buffoon Moyles must surely accelerate the decline.

At least "Five" TV bosses have seen sense, Moyles' witless chat show is soon to be axed due to virtually immeasurable viewer numbers.

T

.

4th October

Bad day for American magicians

On the same day that David Blaine (who is fasting in a perspex box over the Thames in London) started babbling rubbish about omelettes, a more serious problem afflicted Roy Horn during a performance in Las Vegas.

The act "Siegfried and Roy, Masters of the Impossible" involves Lions and Tigers on stage.
The animals are, presumably, made to perform stunts in front of the audience.

Well one particular tiger obviously decided that it had suffered indignity enough, and bit Mr. Horn who is now critically ill in hospital.
The tiger is "in custody". No change there then.

At least the only dumb animal suffering in Blaine's stunt is Blaine himself.

T

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3rd October

More ground-breaking science

Following on from yesterday, it seems that Harvard have come up with the "Ig Nobel" prize for pointless research.

Amongst the candidates are: an Australian project called "An analysis of the forces required to drag sheep over various surfaces" and a Zicklin School of Business collection of data on "the anomalies of daily life" such as what percentage of youths wear baseball caps back to front.

We are amazed that Loughborough University don't get a mention...

Who was it who did the research on the likelihood of dropped toast landing butter-side-down?

T

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October 2nd 2004

British Isles turned over by gardener.

TV gardener Alan Titchmarsh this week presented the first episode of a new big-budget series on the British Isles. Shot in glorious "Natural History O_Vision" by the BBC's Bristol rodent watchers, it follows Titchmarsh as he walks, flies, sails and drives around Britain.
We join him on a river bank...

"Ooh this is greaat int it? Smell that country air, and loook at these plants, the cow-parsley the wild pompledaisy and the like, they love it 'ere they really do!"
[Voices off] "Shut up about plants Alan, you're not on Gardeners World now!"

"Ooh ay. OK OK, well now were're approaching a boggy area, I reckon a bit of decking over here would allow you to walk over and enjoy the plants..."
[Voices off] "For goodness sake Alan, get into the helicopter and fly about a bit, then we can have some impressive aerial shots which'll take our minds off your brainless wittering."

A little later..

"Well here we are flying over a forest, now this is very interesting, there's a larch and a scots pine and a birch and a.."
[Voices off] "Oh God, why didn't we use Bill Oddie?"
[Other voice off] "We tried him but he just waffled about birds."
[First voice] "Alan! Get down that coal mine, at least there's no bloody plants down there!"

Later still..

"Eeee, it's reet dark down ere, can't see a thing. There's supposed to be a camera crew and lights somewhere but I can't find 'em. Hello! Anyone there........"

Fade to black to the sound of a heavy door clanging shut.


Next week: The history of the universe presented by Tony Blackburn.


LF

2nd October

That takes the biscuit!

Researchers at Loughborough University have discovered the reason that biscuits crack.
It's all to do with the rate at which the different regions of the biscuit expand or contract as they cool. Some parts expand because they absorb moisture whereas some contract as they dry.
Hence the cracks.

Except that they don't do they? I haven't bought a packet of biscuits that have had more than the end one cracked for ages. That can be put down to rough handling.
I think that they just embarked upon the research so that they could have an endless supply of biscuits.

Watch out for the next daft Loughborough research project...
The flavour of tea or coffee perhaps?

T

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1st October 2004

Show goes down well...

Audience members dressed as nuns plummeted into the orchestra pit at the Alexandra Theatre in Birmingham when part of the stage collapsed.
They had been participating in a "Sing-Along-A-Sound of Music" show.

Bad Joke:
So how long have you been dressing up as a nun?
Oh, it's just a stage I'm going through....

T

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September 28th

New record for Tilting Train

Virgin's new high speed "tilting train" service from Manchester to London got off to a flying start yesterday when a faulty wheel reduced the train's maximum speed to 50mph. The passengers arriving in London 2 hours late were a trifle disappointed, having been promised the fastest-ever time for the journey. It's a good job there weren't any leaves on the line or it might have come to a complete halt.. and just think of the fuel they saved by going so slowly, the "green" lobby will be delighted!
The trains are actually capable of over 140mph but despite years of money being poured into the West coast main line, they can only crank them up to 125mph.. assuming the wheels can stand it.
Virgin boss Richard Branson chose the same day to announce "Virgin Galactic", a project to take tourists into space. Before booking I'd want to make damn sure they can get us back again.. at something quicker than 50mph!

T!

a train
A Virgin train yesterday.


August 28th

Olympic record

US secretary of state Colin Powell achieved a new Olympic record when he left before he'd even arrived at the closing ceremony. This "time-warp" performance was prompted by some anti-war protesters who started throwing things about near the US embassy in Athens.

Surely this didn't come as a surprise to Mr Powell, what with American politicians being so popular around the world?

T

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August 27th

Plucky British athlete loses race.

Our plucky British athletes, though starved of the state-of-the-art performance-enhancing drugs developed for other teams, have turned in an impressive performance by achieving 5th place in almost every event.

"Well I did my best but it just wasn't good enough on the day" is now to be emblazoned on the back of the team shirts and they are lobbying for a new wooden medal to be introduced for 5th place.
"We think our boys and girls should be rewarded for their efforts despite not finishing in the metal-medal positions" said team coach Sam Slow. "This would also be helpful to Belgium and Ireland" he added.

The suggested medals are:
4th place = Die-cast crappite medal (as used for Dinky Toys)
5th place = Wooden medal (aka the "British medal")
6th place = yellow plastic medal on a string
7th place = a chocolate coin
8th place = little round paper sticker with "Nice Try!" printed in comic sans font.

LF

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August 24th

Traffic News with Sally.

An overturned politician is causing an obstruction in Westminster. Emergency services are in attendance and are waiting for heavy lifting gear.
Meanwhile up North, a delay on the Forth Road Bridge is making progress into Manchester slow.
Also be aware that a convoy of slow-moving public works is leading to chaos on most of Britain's motorways.
On the M6, delays are possible until early 2005 so bring plenty of tins of soup and warm clothes.

British Airways have had to cancel a number of flights from Heathrow yesterday and today because of shortness of staff. They are hoping to recruit some taller staff soon.

The department of transport warns that some kind of weather will inevitably give rise to a complete breakdown of the transport system this winter. They wish to make it clear that it has nothing to do with them and that it's all the Met Office's fault.

Remember that the road to salvation is narrow so it's best to avoid it and seek an alternative route, possibly the A666 via Soddom and Gomorrah.

UB.

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August 17th

Prescott makes waves

Deputy Prime-Minister John Prescott (how can you have a deputy prime minister? He's either "prime" or he isn't, surely?.. Ed.) today leapt into a river to save a white-water rafter who'd concentrated more on the "water" than the "rafting" element of the activity.
Although a rescue was effected, Prescott's vast bulk caused a tidal wave which engulfed the Cornish town of Boscastle, washing away cars and buildings as it surged to the sea.

Needless to say a landslide followed, and it wasn't a victory...

LF

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July 24th

Sausage dog causes uproar

We love our pets in Britain.
Walls, a meat company, aired a TV advert recently in which a dog tried to steal a family's sausages as the hapless dad carried them to the table.
The dog was eventually distracted by by a cry of "cat!" and went flying out of the window, which was promptly shut. When he attempted re-entry, he hit the glass and slid down the window in true Tom and Jerry style.

Most amusing, great slapstick and obviously not a real dog in the final shot.
But we Brits can't allow the noble hound to be ridiculed can we?
Of course not. Cruelty to stuffed animals is beyond the pale. The RSPCA complained to Ofcom and the advert hasn't been seen since.

Personally I want to complain about the treatment of the dad in the advert; he is savaged by a dog, ridiculed by his family and nearly loses his sausages. Very nasty.

T

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July 22nd

Water rip-off!

American pet-owners are being sold bottled water to give to their pets, and it's coming over here.
No more dirty old water bowls for Fido and Tiddles, they must have fine china and mineral water, not any-old mineral water either. Specially packaged mineral water for pets!

Looks like a great opportunity for the Cola company we all know and love. Maybe their disastrous bottled-water can be re-launched for pets?

T

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July 10th

New Tennents for T

Franz Ferdinand, the art-school rockers from Glasgow are to be sponsored by low-brow brew Tennents Lager. You know, that cheapo looking stuff you see in Scottish supermarkets that used to have pictures of pinup girls on the can.
Beloved of raucous Glaswegians "on the piss", Tennents hardly qualifies as an aspirational product.

None the less Franz Ferdinand will be espousing the great Scottish tinnie at the T in The Park festival and at other appearances this summer sponsored by the brewers.
Let's hope their current single "Michael" in which singer Alex Kapranos implores said Michael to dance with him, doesn't give Tennents drinkers the impression that they're "jessies", otherwise the sponsorship deal may backfire...
After all Interbrew wouldn't want effeminate guys to be referred to as "a bit of a Tennents drinker" would they?

T

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June 29th

"Life is dangerous" shock!

Scientists warned today that almost everyone alive today will die sometime!
This devastating news news comes after a week of health warnings about mobile phones, smoking, beef, food colourings and the Atkins diet.
"It's getting so bad I'm scared to go out." snivelled Amanda Bluthall though her letterbox when we called on her earlier today.. "I get all the papers" she went on "and it if it weren't for Timbo doing well in the tennis I'd be on the phone to the Samaritans."

Oh dear.

We reckon the Samaritans should be on standy...

L

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June 22nd

New menace blights our lives

mad old bat

Pedestrians in many parts of the country are being terrorised by hordes of old ladies riding high-powered electric wheelchairs on local pavements; reports our reporter Rep Porter.

These "Hell's Grannies" pay no attention to others as they speed past, high on Sanatogen, cackling wildly about getting to the Post Office before it closes.
Some have their wheelchairs "souped up" by topping up the batteries with brown windsor or mulligatawny before they set off. Others have fitted stereo systems and are blasting out Des O'Connor's hits as they whizz past.

"Two of them came up behind me last week," said terrified teenager Dwayne Druggit; "I was just walkin' over to me Citroen Saxo with the Max Power spoilers and they nearly 'ad me over they did! I tried to run after them and stop 'em but me baseball cap blew off and me flashin' trainers blew a fuse".

Police spokesman P.C. Donuttin of the yard said; "It's a modern problem this. These ladies suddenly find freedom after years of being ferried around by some old geezer in a Volvo 440, he dies and they're out on their own for the first time and the speed sort of goes to their heads. We're thinking of putting speed cameras on the pavements outside retirement homes, then we can sting them for some cash... err... I mean we can discourage them from excessive speed."

L

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June 14th

Lose, Lose, Lose

The UK's European election results have been declared and all the major parties have their heads in their hands. It seems that the optimism of last week has evaporated!
The thought of the of all those all-expenses-paid trips to Brussels and Strasbourg going to some Euro-sceptic instead of to them is just too much to bear.
Worse still when the major beneficiary is Robert Kilroy-Silk, a jumped-up TV presenter who was recently ousted from his Gerry Springer type show for expressing racist views in a newspaper.
The people who voted for his UK Independence Party want to stop all this Euro-junketing. In fact they probably want to ban "funny foreign food" and bring back the lash for people who kiss each other on both cheeks.

Needless to say "Kilroy" will be off on the first available first-class flight to Strasbourg in order to "fact-find" his way round all the best hotels and restaurants.

"C'est la vie" as they don't say in the UKIP.

MT

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June 11th

Win, win, win.

Britain has voted in the local government elections and the result is...
Everybody has won!

The Tories are delighted because they have more votes than last time.
The Lib dems are delighted because they came second. They haven't come second for ages!
Labour aren't delighted, but they're pleased they haven't done worse, and hey! the turnout was up!
The Greens are delighted because they eat healthy food and exercise regularly.
The UK Independence Party are delighted because somebody voted for them.
The BNP are too thick to be disappointed with their result.
The Respect Party are err.... who?

What an optimistic lot our politicians are.

T

June 2nd

Chinese Milton Keynes

The Chinese are to build a new town, modelled on an English town, near Shanghai.

Affluent Chinese businessmen aspire to the genteel atmosphere of "Thames Town" which will be populated with fake Georgian and Victorian and half-timbered type houses around a village green. Just to make it more authentic there will also be a catholic church (with spire) and a multi-story car park (with the authentic smell of urine?).

I hope there'll be a Chinese takeaway too.

Unfortunately Thamestown is, in fact, in Ireland.

T

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May 28th

We combat obesity

Britain is becoming a nation of fatties, the government are concerned. Peter Hain has even admitted that a schools scheme sponsored by chocolate maker Cadburys, in which pupils had to eat their way through thousands of sweets to earn sports equipment, was "pretty indefensible".

It is timely then that Winamop should be about to launch the Winamop diet.
We shall, of course, be spamming you with thousands of e-mail messages about amazing weight loss program (sic) etc. but in the meantime here's the general principle:

If you're too fat, don't eat so much.

Yes, we appreciate it's hard to believe that weight loss could be so simple but our experts assure us that this really works!... and it could save you money too!
Eating less food means buying less food and therefore spending less money, double whammy!

We await a raft of counter-claims from the proponents of the eat loads of greasy food and no spuds diet and the stuff yourself with nasty dehydrated concoctions diet but we stand firm. This really works and we can prove it.
Try it for yourself and tell the world "be thin as a mop-'andle with Winamop". We're onto a winner this time!

T

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May 23rd

Piewars II

The Melton Mowbray pie-makers have hit a snag in their bid to preserve the description "Melton Pork Pie" for pies made within 25 miles of the Leicestershire town. (see earlier story).
Back in February the government (presumably encouraged by pie-eater in chief, John Prescott) was firmly behind the case and the European commission was being encouraged to bestow "protected geographical indication status" on the Melton Mowbray pie.

All was going well until Lord Haskins, supremo of Northern Foods, mass producer of naff pies, objected to the idea. Northern Foods stamp "Melton Mowbray" on the pies they make in Hull.
Why does he want to label his pies as something they're not?
Because it gives an impression of quality.
Damn right. It also gives an impression of being made in Melton Mowbray, not Hull!
If he wants to call them Superior or something, that's fine, we know that's a lie.. But a pie labelled Melton should come from Melton, Italian shoes should come from Italy, Champagne from Champagne etc. etc.

It'll be interesting to see who wins this one as Haskins is a Labour Peer and has lots of money... not that that should sway the high court judges of course!

T

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May 21st

Suckers!

A man has been arrested for holding up a building society with nothing more threatening than vacuum-cleaner attachments.
Hoping to clean-up I suppose?

T

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May 13th

Eurotrash returns.

It's time for the Eurovision Song Contest again, the unbelievable tat-fest gets ever bigger. This time it's in Turkey (who by some weird voting, won it last year). The British song is not quite as crap as usual but due to our standing in the world these days no doubt we'll come away with null points again this year.

Winamop will be following the event with interest, it holds a morbid fascination for us. We may well do a live web-cast on Saturday night with a blow-by-blow-until-we-get-bored-and-go-down-the-pub commentary. Check back for further details!

T

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May 12th

Charge it, my a*se!

Boffins have come up with a new system which will do away with the need to carry credit cards when shopping. The biometric system recognises unique characteristics of the customer in order to identify them beyond any doubt. The customer's credit-worthiness can then be established and the transaction authorised.

Early trials with fingerprints and retina-scans all hit problems but the new system is said to be 100% reliable.
The heart of the system is the Auto Recognition Seating Equipment upon which the customer sits in order to have the unique features of their gluteous maximus analysed.
Some customer resistance has been noted when they are told they will have to drop their trousers in order to continue with their purchases but the development team are optimistic:
"We reckon it's just fear of the new. When everyone's used to it we'll all be happy to whip 'em off in the supermarket. After all, it's an excuse for a quick sit-down isn't it?"

Hire-car firm BryteCar are said to be interested in the system to identify the driver in the case of any dispute over traffic offences. The cars would be wired so that they wouldn't start without an authorised bum on the seat.

It brings a new meaning to the phrase being caught with your pants down...

L

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May 6th

Happy Birthday Us!

The world's least popular internet site devoted to literature and words in general has survived, to the amazement of us all, for a whole year.
Despite the amost total apathy of "surfers" Winamop continues to offer its unique blend of news and features to the discerning few.
Winamop's editor, a Champagne swilling jet-setter who goes by the name of "Ed", was today thought to be leaving his penthouse apartment to clinch a multi-million pound publishing deal (although he may have just been off to the chippie for a pie and mushy peas).
All will no doubt be revealed in the next grease-stained edition.

T

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May 4th

Airlines Merge

It seems that Air France has merged with the KLF, creating the biggest airline in the world.
Unfortunately it only flies to Mumu Land.

LF

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May 2nd

It's for you! (by Mr. Grumpy)

Did you know that £70m worth of mobile telephone ring-tones were sold in the UK last year? This makes the ring-tone version of a song a bigger money-spinner than the CD single version, despite the fact that the artist has no involvement in the ring-tone and it is invariably appalling. The current number one ring-tone “diddly-diddly-dum-dum-di-pom” has just replaced “doo-doo-di-dah-di-diddle” which was marginally less annoying. I assume the Police will soon be re-releasing “de-do-do-do, de-da-da-da” and the Crystals 60s hit “da-doo-ron-ron” is a sure fire ring-tone winner.

Just don’t be on the same bus, train or street as me when the damn thing rings though, or you’ll be liable to get a number-one hit where it hurts…

T

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April 27th

Wild and Wooly

A runaway New Zealand sheep has been recaptured after six years roaming free and living in a cave.
Its fleece is now so long and wooly (well how else would it be?) that it will make several coats, which will no doubt be sold at a premium price.
The shearing will be such a momentous event in New Zealand that it will be shown live on TV.
When it's a bit more presentable, it will no doubt have a film made about it, like the Tamworth two.. What is Peter Jackson doing now? Get him on the phone!

T

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April 25th

Censorship or taste?

The oppressive regime in North Korea outraged the "free" world this week by failing to inform its people of the terrible rail crash which killed 160 and injured 12,000.
Meanwhile in the US, pictures of flag-draped coffins returning from Iraq were not to be shown on news bulletins. A nice picture of a jubilant homecoming soldier was to be used instead, for reasons of taste of course.
Well, we might have believed the reasons of taste argument if the US media hadn't printed pictures of the dying Lady Di last week!
Reasons of George Bush getting re-elected more like...

T

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April 19th

Texting texting

The popularity of SMS messaging on GSM 'phones has increased dramatically over the last couple of years. Inevitably this has put a strain on the system which handles all those messages.
Winamop has learned of a looming crisis in the SMS clearing service. We spoke to Frank Wallace who runs the service.

Frank told us: "We're under pressure 'ere these days, Doris does 'er best but some of the spelling is awful so it's not always easy to know if we've got it right. Most of the messages are cobblers too, luv U and CU L8TR and all that crap." Meanwhile Doris was sitting at a small table, surrounded by beeping mobiles, her thumbs a blur as she pressed the keys on one of the 'phones.
"See, if the person who sends the message ain't on the same network as the one it's going to, it comes 'ere and Doris 'as to type it all in. Takes 'er all day and she's getting RSI in 'er thumbs, keeps 'avin' to change 'ands. If something ain't done soon we'll just 'ave to pack it in. It's costin' a fortune in 'orse-linament!"

So please be considerate with your texting, keep messages short and clear and if it's important just ring the person up! That's if Gladys at the cross-network voice-routing centre isn't over stressed too...

L

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April 16th

Top News Team Acused of "Making it up"

The shocking truth behind Internet news site "Winamop" was revealed today when its editor in chief let slip that "Some of our news items are made up".
He went on to add: "In fact, as a news service its about as useful as waterproof mashed potato."
He later, burped, stumbled off in the direction of the gents and was never seen again.

The NUJ have called for an inquiry, but as this kind of behavior is perfectly usual journalistic practise, there will probably be no action taken.
Contd. P94 of the Sun.

L

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April 7th

Terrorist plans revealed.

We eavesdrop on an international terrorist headquarters in Afghanistan…

Chief terrorist “Who has an idea that will cause panic and terror in our enemies?”

First terrorist: “I have! Let’s cause a power surge that knocks out half of America!”

Chief: “No no, they already did that themselves.”

Second terrorist: “What about poisoning all their meat by infecting the animals?”

Chief: “Don’t be an idiot, they’ve already had BSE!”

Third terrorist: “Setting fire to the Underground in London?”

Chief: “They did that too.”

Fourth: “Poisoning the water supply?”

Chief: “Camelford and Disani.”

Fifth: “Destroying the rail system?”

Chief: “Jarvis did that.”

Sixth: “Releasing radioactivity?”

Chief: “Sellafield and Chernobyl”

Seventh: “We could introduce deadly bugs into hospitals.”

Chief: “Done, all done. Look this is hopeless, anything we think of doing to them, they have already done! We may as well blow ourselves up!”

All: “Now there’s an idea!”

L

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March 24th

Elvis was Scottish. Conclusive proof!

 

Winamop has unearthed this previously unseen picture of "The King" which proves that he really was a Scot.

Our research has been corroborated by Mr Allan Morrison who is about to publish a book on the subject. He has traced the Presley family tree back to the 1700s when they lived in the village of Lonmay in Aberdeenshire.

The original titles of some of his famous songs have also been discovered, Return to Selkirk, Big Hunk O Deep-Fried Mars Bar, Blue Swede Shoes, (or Neeps as they tend to be known) and of course In the Gorbals later given a more American feel when retitled In the Ghetto. [trying a bit too hard there I think... Ed.]

Presley's well known love of unhealthy food must add weight [ha!] to the argument. The Scots are getting a bad press regarding their diet at present, especially as an Edinburgh hotel has just launched a new dessert; the Deep fried Chocolate Sandwich served with ice cream and chocolate sauce.
At 1000 calories a helping, Elvis would have loved it.

PL

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March 32nd

There's no fool...

April the first has been cancelled due to the risk of silly pranks costing the business world millions of pounds. Tomorrow will be April 2nd as normal.

L

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March 27th

Clocks change tonight

Don't forget to put your clocks back tonight, or is it forward? Anyway it happens tonight at 2 O-clock in the morning and then that becomes 3 O-clock, or perhaps 1 O-clock again.
No, that's not right. It happens at 1 O-clock, that's tonight, well, Sunday morning really, and then it'll be 2 O-clock. There'll have been no quarter past one or half-past or anything! In fact 1 O-clock won't really have existed because, just as it was about to happen it became 2 O-clock (unless I've got it wrong in which case we'll get two 1 O-clocks... or does it happen at 2?)

Anyway the net result of doing this is that we'll have to get up earlier tomorrow, or probably later, but it's Sunday so it doesn't really matter. The best idea is to listen to the wireless and get a time check then spend the whole day going round putting all your digital clocks right.
They do this twice a year to make our lives easier, you know it makes sense.

T (I think)

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March 18th

Doughnut Wars!

a doughnut with jam!

A proper doughnut

The Krispy Kreme doughnut company is moving into the UK. British bakeries are worried, it will be hard to compete with the slick marketing of a wide variety of doughnuts and fresh coffee made in their Krispy Kreme Roastmaster.
Krispy Kreme's stores "are specially designed to showcase the doughnutmaking process and provide a multi-sensory experience for customers" (They even have a video you can watch! ). So what can our brave boys do?

A spokesman for Barry's Bakery and Car Wash said "We are thinking of getting Doreen to put on a bit of a floor show like Hooters with roller-skates and that. She'll microwave up the doughnuts in full view of the customers and spoon the Nescaff into the cup right there whilst whistling a happy tune, probably one of her Celine Dion favourites I reckon. Should go down a storm."

Meanwhile at the Country Tea Rooms proprietress Milicent Morris seemed unconcerned; "Doughnuts? Oh how common! We serve only the finest cakes and pastries, the most delicious fresh bread and... mind you they do smell nice... can I just taste? Mmmmmm grumph munch ahhh! (burp)"

Worrying indeed.

Help may be at hand. The Great British Doughnut has been launched by BHS to turn the tide of American gastro-imperialism. Let's hope it's a proper doughnut with jam in it!
We wish them good luck, they'll need it. Our high streets are already full of Starbucks, MacDonalds and Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream "Parlors".
Still; at least you can get a cup of fresh-ground coffee there...

MT

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March 12th

Boost to British Olympic hopes

early tests

Following the announcement of the Berkeley Lower Extremity Exoskeleton, or Bleex, a strap-on exo-skeleton which allows the wearer to run further and carry heavy loads, we now have the British CRAP version.

The Controlled Robotised Assisted Perambulator is a refinement of Wallace and Gromit's Techno-Trousers idea and is powered by a BSA Bantam engine concealed between the wearer's legs.
Early overheating problems have hopefully been solved after one experiment saw the unlucky test wearer exceeding 20mph under his own steam when the unit caught fire.

It is expected that a miniaturised version will be concealed beneath new baggy running-suits worn by British teams at the forthcoming Olympic games.
However, it is rumoured that the Japanese are developing a 140mph Kawasaki version, so we may just call the whole thing off and accuse them of cheating.

L

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March 7th

"NHS Efficiency"

You've heard the well-known oxymorons such as "Luxury Coach" and "Military Intelligence" of course but now there is a new one to add to the list; the "NHS Efficiency Unit".
This fine body of people are so dedicated to spreading the efficiency message that they booked several conferences at the exclusive Belfry Hotel (not far from here, very posh it is too!). No doubt this venue is efficient, but it certainly isn't cheap...

Unfortunately, due to some inefficient scheduling, they found that they couldn't go.
No doubt saving on phone calls, they failed to inform the hotel until it was too late and had to pay anyway.

A total of £70,000. That's only for the conferences they cancelled...

How very efficient!

T

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March 5th

DIY news kit (delete as appropriate)

Something terrible, marvellous, disgusting, not very interesting happened today in my town, Bolton, Croatia, the earth, the solar system involving a footballer, a soap star, a politician, a crook, a dog or cat, someone else's grandmother, my grandmother. The consequences will be trivial, serious, devastating, not very interesting and the public are furious, apathetic, pathetic, fat, not very interested.

T, F or UB

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March 1st

Oscar success for Lord of Rings

Bilbo and Frodo celebrate

Bilbo and Frodo celebrate

"The Lord of The Rings", a documentary about Peter Jackson's magic mushroom picking holiday in New Zealand, won several brass ornaments at the annual Oscars ceremony last night.
Amongst the awards won were; best Hobbit, best Orc and best old man in a pointy hat.

The event, a tribute to the wit of Oscar Wilde, seems to have lost its way recently, featuring as it does, a succession of people who seem to have totally lost what wits they were born with.

LF

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29th February

Eurovision again

The British entry for the Eurovision song contest has been chosen.
It is, of course, dire.
With a pop music industry second only to that of the USA, you'd think that we could come up with something better than a runner-up in a talent contest!

Perhaps it is our British sense of fair play that holds us back? Obviously if we fielded Elton John, David Bowie, Tom Jones or even Liberty X we'd have a better chance. Could it be that we don't want to win?

The Irish thought it was great when they won a few years ago, but were starting to regret it on the second occasion because it costs a fortune to stage the thing. In the end they fielded a song so dreadful that they failed to qualify for the following year's event!
It's a difficult one to judge.

We wish James Fox luck (he's going to need it) and let's hope he scores more than the big fat zero we got last year.
Winamop will follow the event with interest, look out for our "live" coverage.

T

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28th February

Ancient pop legend unearthed.

an old man, earlier this week

The 104 year-old crock star Brian Reagan performed his lost masterpiece "Grimace" at London's prestigious Billingsgate Fish Market last night.

Unfortunatley the performance had to be cut short when one of his wooden legs gave way, pitching him off his rocking chair whereupon his false teeth fell out.

An audience member said: "It was like this magical, transcendental, life-changing experience for me. He has rekindled something in my soul and made me give birth to a new and more complete self."
Men in white coats then appeared and took him away.

L

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26th February

"Take-away" leaves a bad taste.

Recently a specialist declared that bad taste jokes were a healthy thing, being a release from the tension of an uncomfortable situation.

ho ho!

Well it appears that Ann Winterton, the Tory MP for Congleton in Cheshire, needs to tell some more off-colour jokes to defuse the furore following her recent "cockle-picker" joke.
She told this one, about a shark and a Chinese take-away, at a Whitehall dinner to improve Anglo-Danish relations.
Let's hope she didn't test the Dane's famous sense of humour too much, she's already in enough trouble, having lost the party whip (it's probably down the back of the sofa).

Ann's actually quite a comedian in the Bernard Manning style. Two years ago she was sacked from the shadow cabinet after telling a racist joke at a rugby club dinner.

We thought we'd look up a bit more about this wise-cracking mirth-maker but the Conservative Party has removed her biog from its website. Never mind, there's always Google's cache!

Google's Cache of Ann's "Conservatives" biog.

T

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20th February

Hot News for Cold People

The Gummint has refused to announce that from now on every Committee, Quango, and section of the Information and Defamation Services which exist for any official purpose whatsoever will be chaired by Sir Allan Sundry, the most distinguished whitewasher in Blackhall, capable of covering from head, if any, to feet, if present, even the darkest or dimmest Gummint Minister with shiny whitewash in exactly seven minutes, while playing "Onward Christian Soldiers' on an electric harmonica.

Fear not, from this day forth even A. Campbell, at present basking in glory as a comedian on the Music Halls, and the performance artist known as Horrible Hoon will either be clothed daily in white samite, washed to total purity in Sundry's Soap Powder, or wildly whitewashed so as to glow weirdly in the dead of night, thus alarming prowling dogs, cats, owls, foxes, burglars and journalists from the BBC.

L

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19th February

Beware! Ridiculous legwear!

With the recent return of the floppy flare to the legs of the young, an increase in "trouser related incidents" has been noted in accident statistics. It seems that this form of legwear could lead to tripping..
They could have hit on the answer there. Perhaps the fallers are under the influence of more than their flapping hems?

T

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February 14th

Valentine's Day Fiasco

Our special romance correspondent, Wayne Dripp, reports:

It's been a singularly unsuccessful Valentine's day for me.
Eager to join the 100 couples getting spliced at Gretna Green today I had decided to plight my troth a bit.

Firstly I presented Sexy Sheryl with my Tesco's big-furry-heart card and she told me that it was cheap rubbish and left me in no doubt that my prospects of a snog were slim.

Next I tried Alright Andrea with the Ferrero Rocher chocs, normally a sure-fire winner. She told me to stuff them where the ambassador wouldn't find them... mind you, knowing what I know about ambassadors, he may have found them there!

In desperation I approached Lumpy Laura with a bottle of Happy Shopper Cava, but she said she only drinks BirdstrikeTM® these days.

I guess I'll just have to go home to the wife?

Well thanks Wayne, a salutary lesson for us all I think!

UB

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February 9th

Iain Duncan-Smith as popular as ever.

IDS goes from strength to strength since being evicted from the Tory leadership.
His "one man show" last night exceeded all expectations when, not one, but 67 (!) people turned up to see him in the 6,000 seat Liverpool Philharmonic Hall.

It seems that, as we predicted, IDS has been forgotten (but not gone).

T

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7th February

Pies have come.

Melton Mowbray's pork pie producers are lobbying the European Parliament to register their name in the same way as "Champagne" or "Roquefort". These names define not only the style of product but the actual place of manufacture, Champagne must come from that area of France for instance.

We must be wary of taking this too far.
If all Bakewell tarts had to be made in Bakewell the whole place would be one big factory, likewise if all Bath buns had to come from Bath, the roads would be clogged with bakery lorries.
As for Cheddar cheese... there's so much of the stuff produced around the world now that all the cows in Southern Britain couldn't produce enough milk to feed the giant cheese plant which would have to fill the Gorge.

No, the good piemakers of Melton should be happy in the knowledge that their pies are the best, and when Safeco's Superstore makes an own-brand pie out of reject dog-food and labels it as a Melton pie, it is merely a compliment!

T

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30th January

Hutton and on and on...

There is, we understand, a rumour that a committee is to enquire into the enquiries of the Hutton enquiry. May we suggest that a further committee be set up to enquire into the enquiries of the committee that enquires into the Hutton enquiry and yet another committee be appointed to enquire into the enquiries of that enquiry and of course so on until the full circle is achieved and Lord Hutton is invited to peer into the entrails of the Fourteenth Committee which has just gloomed at the inactivities of the 13th Committee and dot dot and, of course, dot.

This will give employment to a vast number of tedious and self-important fellows and fellowesses who have no useful occupation and also to connglomerations of commentators and commenters on commentators and pontificators on forecasters and wafflers, gabblers, garblers, babblers, ministerial evaders, prestidigitators, truth-economists and manipulators almost ad ininitum. A Prize could eventually be presented - a Mop, perhaps, or a Map, perhops - to the Chairbeing of the Committee adjudged to be the most boring and irrelevant clanjamferie of them all, the adjudicator to be Sir John Sundry, who can be relied upon to whitewash any Governmental nobody who crosses his illustrious path. With acknowledgements to whoever it was who leaked the leak that a leak was to be leaked to a leaker who would dot dot and, or course, dot.

Amen.

LF

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29th January

"You can't leave that here"

Our transport system's inability to cope with bad weather is rightly legendary. One inch of snow fell on the midlands yesterday and, despite a weeks notice, the city of Birmingham was gridlocked until midnight. Things were so bad that many motorists abandoned their cars on grass-verges etc. and walked home. Some commuter's journeys took 7 hours!
Imagine how delighted they were after struggling back to their vehicles this morning, to find that parking wardens had been busy sticking tickets on their windscreens.

Give a man a peaked cap and he loses all compassion....

T

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Heads Roll after Hutton Report

The media have gone ballistic over the Hutton report which has just been released. That's the one which had to decide whether the journalists or the politicians were the biggest liars.... Tough call!
The journalists got the prize in the end.

The Director General and the chairman of the BBC board of governors have both resigned and it looks as if Andrew Gilligan will be taking up his new post of traffic reporter on radio Cumbria soon.

Winamop suggests Alastair Campbell as the new DG.
He reckons he knows everything about the BBC and he's out of a job at the moment....

T

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28th January

Government blameless

says Hutton report. It's all the BBC's fault.
Wait a minute though, Hutton was supposed to decide whether the government dossier about reasons to attack Iraq was truthful or not.
They say it was.
We, and most of the weapons inspectors, now know that it wasn't. There were no WMDs.

Surely all this ballyhoo couldn't be a smokescreen to distract us from that fact?

T

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24th January

Czech mate, lamppost wins.

Jan Sipek, a Czech au pair living in Horam East Sussex, recently drove his car into a lamppost; but this was only the start of his run of bad luck.
Another driver stopped to assist and Jan implored him not to call the police as he was drunk.
Unfortunately he was speaking to Chief Inspector Peter Mills of Eastbourne Police.
Inspector Mills took a dim view of this and arrested him.
He has since been fined £400 and given a 20month driving ban.

Doh!

T

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Avoid Tuition Fees the Humberside Way.

We've all had those spam e-mails offering degrees without any exams from some university we've never heard of haven't we?
Well we missed out on a hot offer from proper British academic establishment The University of Humberside. Don't bother looking for it now though, it has since changed it's name to the University of Lincoln. With good reason.

It seems the U of H was offering Israeli teachers, police and army officers dodgy degrees with no exams, via its local franchise operation.
It is now being investigated by the Israeli police.
Perhaps one of the officers failed his degree?

T

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22nd January

Mile high club

Reports are coming in of another case of airline pilot inebriation…

Passengers on the South Honduras International Travel flight from Tegucigalpa International Terminus were amazed to see pilot Virgilio Botto reeling towards the plane with a bottle of tequila in his hand.

“His behaviour was disgusting” said one upset passenger “he belched in front of my wife even though it was her turn!”

“He was unable to hold his drink” claimed another, “slopping it all over the place he was. Fancy spilling good liquor like that, it’s terrible!”

Mr. Botto claimed that he was “Perfelly orraight choo fly” and that he had “Oally har a cubble fo’ ve road… err… air!”

 


A similar plane

A spokesperson for the airline pilots association commented “This sort of thing does the image of pilots no good at all. To give the impression that they are all drunkards is unforgivable. The jet-set lifestyle does of course mean that most pilots are permanently pissed, but they are acclimatised to it and shouldn’t behave in this embarrassing way. Mr. Botto will be sent on a course of re-training at the George Best school of alcohol and drug abuse until he can carry his booze with decorum.”

L

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21st January

Joke "goes down a bomb"

A British student's jolly jape about having a bomb in her luggage didn't raise a titter with humourless US police officers at Miami International Airport.
They locked her up.
Quite right too, can't have people smiling at American airports can we? It would spoil the general air of misery and frustration wouldn't it?

Now we know that these are serious times, but to lock up a silly young girl for her duff joke is an over-reaction by josworth officers.

Winamop suggests a visit to Miami by Osama impersonator and "comedian" Aaron Barschak (he who gatecrashed Prince William's 21st birthday party) and they can lock him up.
Do us all a favour!

T

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20th January

Hoon doomed

Tony Blair was quoted today as having "Every confidence" in defence secretary Geoff Hoon's handling of the flak-jacket case.

Bye Geoff!

T

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17th January

BBC delighted at record audience

Overnight ratings have shown that BBC4's Alan Clark Diaries attracted a record audience of 93 to the digital channel.
Roly Keating, BBC4 controller, said "It's fantastic that so many people came to it on its first episode. Our previous best was 56 viewers for a programme on renaissance art, but it did have some nudes in it".

LF

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14th January

Bush plans Mission to Mars

The American public are divided on the idea:

Half of them think he should do it.

The other half think he should do it....

T

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13th January

Gadget Girl hits back

Women are being ignored when buying gadgets, according to technology industry experts at the recent Consumer Electronics show in Las Vegas

A study of women consumers showed that what they wanted from their shopping experience was a big choice of goods, helpful salespeople and uncluttered stores.

No argument there.

It’s not just women who would like a few salespeople who appear to know at least something about the products they sell.
Their primary goals at present appear to be:
Feed the customer with a load of bullsh*t, flog them something they don’t need,
add an over-priced extended warranty
and top it all off with an uncompetitive finance deal.

The “well laid out” shops seem designed to attract you in with an unbelievable bargain which probably isn’t available, then confuse you with aisle after aisle of similar products in no kind of logical order. This, of course, is to ensure that you traverse as much of the store as possible before finding what you came in for.

As for the “manager’s special” bargains; they’re just things that nobody could possibly want, with half the bits missing, offered at a 10% discount.

Did I mention the names Dixons or PC World in this tirade? No, of course I didn’t….

You better not! Ed.

T

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9th January

British Post Office Axes Mail Trains.

Running since 1838, one has finally arrived.

So, with apologies to W H Auden, our tribute.....

Now there's no Night Mail crossing the border,
Bringing junk mail and a bankruptcy order,
Writs for the rich and bills for the poor,
The corner shop's gone, so's the girl next door.
Breaking down at Beattock, a steady climb:
The gradient's too much, she's never on time.
Past brown-field sites and piles of boulder
Belching black fumes over her shoulder,
Clanking sadly as she passes
Silent miles of GM grasses.

T

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5th January

Nuptual bliss?

Congratulations to Brittney Spears on her recent marriage. What a romantic thing to do to get married in the New Year, the start of a new year and the start of a new life....
err... hang on.... news is just coming in: She's trying to get it annulled, after 2 days.

Well we've all done it haven't we?

T

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4th January 2004

Rain in Scotland? Surely not.

There is something of an inquest into the circumstances surrounding the cancellation of Edinburgh's famous Hogmanay celebrations this (or was it last?) year.

It seems the organisers hadn't prepared for the eventuality of bad weather.... in Scotland... in January!
The bad weather, which had been forecast for several days, meant that the largely outdoor event had to be cancelled and hundreds of thousands of pounds worth of advance tickets refunded.

Obviously the "media-types" who run the event have been spending too much time in LA.
They may have to slum it a bit next year if they lose the contract though...
Welcome to the real world where it's cold and wet!

T

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Back to the archives.... old news for the terminally bored. Back to 2003.


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Key:

T = True story

MT = Mostly true

L = Lies

LF = Lies based on Facts

UB = Utter Boll... err.. Balderdash!

Note: To comply with time-honoured journalistic practices, we only use single sources and never check our facts. If we cannot obtain firm information we make it up.
Rupert made us do it!



© Winamop 2012