30th September 2003
Trouble at the Labour party conference
A Winamop snapper managed to get this shocking
photo of Gordon Brown giving Tony Blair the infamous "hand-o-nose" gesture
behind his back at yesterday's conference.
Tony is said to have retorted "And yer Mam!"
Smart in space!
Smart 1 was successfully launched last night at
Astronaut Fred Hargreaves is at the controls.
Mission control reported some early problems; The
AA Road Atlas had slipped under the seat during blast off and Fred's Thermos
flask lid was insufficiently tightened leading to a slight loss of
Other than that all systems are go.
Next stop the moon!
And in Italy!
See August 15th.
New Euro Moon Probe Launch.
Today's the day the first Euro Moon probe "Smart 1"
blasts off from French Guiana.
Smart 1 is to be powered by a revolutionary new
propulsion system, Ludwig Hepplesteiner explains:
"Ze prrrinciple of photon
prrropusion has been well explained by ze famous Amerrrican scientist Gene
Rrrrrrrroddenberrrrry. Ve have adapted it so zat instead of photons being
generrrrated by expensive dilithium crrrystals we will use a bulb. Ze light
shining from ze lamp will be, in fact, a beam of photons which, by Newtonian
physical laws, will push Smart 1 along."
"As you know, Smart 1 is basically
a Smart car with the wheels rrremoved. So all we had to do was make the
headlights stay on all the time, we had assistance from Volvo for zis, and
drive ze car backwards."
We will keep you posted on the success of the
Dead Goldfish in moral outrage shocker.
I am indebted to the Daily Telegraph for bringing
this to my attention.
It is good to know our morals are being
Did you know that the humble goldfish bowl was a "distressing
environment" for a fish? Better than on a plate with some chips I'd have
thought, but not so the Broadcasting Advertising Clearance Centre.
They told ad agency TBWA that they couldn't show a
dead goldfish in a bowl as part of their advert for oven chips.
tells a tale of life's disappointments and suggests that a nice bowl of chips
can soothe your psyche.
The dead goldfish was to be one of the
And so it proved to be...
BACC decreed that the fish should not be seen
floating dead in the bowl, not because a dead fish is not an attractive image,
but because it was in the bowl. The "distressing environment".
that the thing was dead and couldn't get any more distressed if it was run over
by a truck fell on deaf ears.
Other images we can't see in adverts are: dogs in
the street with no lead, dogs in bicycle baskets and animals in cars without
restraint (driving dangerously presumably?).
In the programs between the ads
we can see all kinds of mayhem and debauchery but rest assured that the adverts
The crap they advertise however.......
I wonder what would happen if we tried to make an
advert for goldfish bowls?
Less of your sauce!
Several types of supermarket own-brand pasta sauce have been
withdrawn from the shelves after trading standards operatives discovered that
they contained flavour and could possibly cause
enjoyment in consumers.
This kind of thing cannot be made available to the general
public Stated an official today. foods of this type, containing
flavour, are normally only available in special shops such as Harrods.
A representative of Blandfoods PLC was contrite; I
unreservedly apologise for the oversight, who knows what would happen if we
were to provide the supermarket shopper with flavoursome foods? They would
become discontented with their usual tasteless bread and nasty rubbery cheese!
The whole British processed foods industry would be in crisis
Shares in Blandfoods dropped 10 points.
Off the rails again.
Rail maintenance contractors Jarvis who recently
had to apologise for shoddy work at Potters Bar, have surpassed themselves.
A train leaving King's Cross with 150 people on board came off the rails
because.... there weren't any! Jarvis had forgotten to replace a section of
track that they had removed during points maintenance.
You can just imagine the contractors on the way
"You going out tonight Bill?"
"Yeah, s'pose I might. Hey Jack,
wasn't there something we were supposed to do before we went home?"
think so Bill, anyway it's too late now, here comes a train."
In unison: "Oh
Rail bosses were told of this whilst celebrating
the opening of the high speed rail link to the channel tunnel. It can carry
passengers at up to 180MPH. Let's hope all the bits of that are bolted
together nice and tight.....
McDonald's in good food shocker.
It seems that Ronald McDonald is in trouble. His
profits have turned into losses and the only thing expanding is the waistline
of the customer.
His idea is to sell more healthy fare: Baguettes
and fruit (in plastic packs of course) are to come to a "restaurant" near you.
It is hoped that this will attract a more affluent and sophisticated
Our local McDonald's could certainly do with a
make-over, evidently the revolting plastic chairs are to go, but the most
objectionable thing about the place, the packaging, will stay.
these people ever heard of crockery?
So as we pass "Macky D's" on our way to a decent
eatery it looks like we'll have to wade through a sea of discarded burger
cartons for the foreseeable future.
I'm sure the affluent and sophisticated
clients will enjoy the experience!
Overcharging or what??
The RIAA attempted to sue a 12 year old girl for
$150,000 because she'd been using Kazaa to download her favourite songs.
Naughty, but $150,000??!!
You can legally
download songs for around a dollar a go so she'd have to have downloaded
150,000 songs to make the amount sensible.
At about 3MB each that'd be,
err..., 450GB of Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake!
Doesn't bear thinking about does it?
She settled out of court for $2,000.... (Well, her
Go carefully out there.....
Directory enquiries fiasco.
Most 118 services couldn't find their bums with
both hands... read our "in-depth" survey.
Croquet or criquet?
Shock waves have passed through the normally
tranquil world of Croquet following a cruel slur by Lord Maclaurin. He implied
that croquet was some kind of archaic sport and that cricket would go the same
way if something wasn't done.
We at Winamop are avid croquet players and are
incensed at the implication that croquet is outmoded, the sheer cruelty and
bloody-mindedness of a good game has to be seen to be believed.
Surely it is a more fitting game for this age than
the gentlemanly posturing of cricket? It's over more quickly too!
Hutton Inquiry Latest.
It has come to light that the Iraq WMD dossier
wasn't "Sexed Up" it was, in fact, "Over Egged".
That's alright then!
British Balloon Bursts.
Our brave astronauts failed to give Britain the
lead in the space race when their balloon "Qinetic 1" fell out of the sky and
went "FRRRRRRRRRRRP" all around the room.
"I had to duck as it came past me" complained
tear-stained pilot Andy Elson, "I don't think we should have let my dad blow it
up, he always spoils everything!"
Oh, it has!
See August 15th......
English "AS" and "GCSE" examination results have
not improved thus proving that standards in education are falling. This comes
one week after the A-Level examination results, which had improved, proved that
standards in education are falling....
That can't be right
I demand a re-count.
Major Power Outage in the States
"It couldn't happen here." Say the
First with the news, Winamop contacts our man in
Rod, can you hear me?
"Err... yes" (sound of stumbling about, bumping into
Rod, what's happening there?
"I don't know it's all gone dark. I'm just trying to find the
staaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiirs!!!!" (Much crashing and banging).
Ghastly prospect in the kitchen!
Warm weather threatens the consistency of British
Snackers throughout the UK are finding their
Marmite has gone all runny, leading to dribbles down the side of the jar and
the inevitable "lid stickiness".
A spokesperson for Unilever Bestfoods UK didn't
tell us "We are thinking of developing a thixotropic Marmite that won't
dribble" because we didn't ask them.
Good idea though, what about a "potty putty"
version of Marmite that bounces when dropped but spreads "straight from the
The self-styled "comedy terrorist" Aaron Barschak,
who gatecrashed Prince William's 21st birthday party last month, is about to
launch his show "Osama Like It Hot" in Edinburgh. The show starts on August 2nd
at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe.
Evidently his costume consists of a pink dress and
a beard. I'm not sure that this is a terribly convincing Bin-Laden outfit...
are we sure he's not getting Osama confused with Eddie Izzard?
The Fabian Society, a "think tank" have today
recommended some radical changes to the Monarchy.
Here at Winamop, our
"thought bucket" has come up with these suggestions:
- Royal train to be scrapped and replaced by one of those
lever-operated trolleys that Buster Keaton whizzed up and down railways
- Royal car to be supplemented by rickshaw for local London
trips (also quicker).
- Garden party cucumber sandwiches to be replaced with brie
and parma ham wraps...
- To be served by Hooters girls on roller-blades.
- Street cred:
- Pimms to be replaced by Vodka and Red Bull
- Crown to be replaced with Craig David style "tea cosy"
- That bloke from "The Streets" to be given a
- Eco friendliness:
- Roof of Buckingham palace to be replaced with solar
panels (remove Brian May first)
- Palace gardens to be filled with wind generators.
- Scottish castles to be fitted with Charlie Dimmock
designed hydro-electric generators.
Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has upset
At his first appearance as leader of the European Parliament,
he said that a particular German M.E.P. would be "perfect" for the role of a
guard in a film about a Nazi concentration camp.
This Fawlty-esque outburst
is to be deplored but British M.E.P.s must be prepared. Take a look at
list of our MEPs and place your bets as to which one will be first to be
the butt of one of Silvio's notorious "jokes". (My money's on no. 59 in the
Simon Murphy, a soft target I think you'll agree!)
Our secret weapon, John Prescott, should be sent out as soon as possible, Berlusconi will be unable to resist calling him a "fat
pie-eating yobbo", then John can stick one on him!
It'll be just like
22nd June 2003
A man claiming to be Osama Bin Laden gatecrashed
Prince William's 21st birthday party at Windsor Castle last night.
chiefs are "looking into the matter". I'll bet they are!
Turns out that the intruder was a "Comedy
Terrorist" publiscising his Edinburgh festival show.
Phew! That's alright then. Obviously a real
terrorist wouldn't have the skill to do the same, comedians are a breed
What amazes me is that anyone noticed, in a hall
full of Hooray Henries dressed up as King Um-Bongo of Umbo-Bumbo-Land another
comedian should've been hard to spot.
Perhaps this bloke isn't very
Tradition continues to come under threat from
nouveau-rich incomers. Recently a popular pub and music venue, the Fiddle and
Bone in Birmingham closed down. Its regular live music performances had proved
too loud for the inhabitants of the nearby prestige apartments which have
recently sprung up across the canal. The irony is that the sales pitch for
these flats cited the lively night-life nearby as an attraction and they even
held some of their publicity events there.
Meanwhile in the sleepy village
of Stoke-Abbott in Dorset... well, not so sleepy actually, as the church bell
rings 100 times at 7am every morning. Or rather, it did ring at 7am, now it
rings at 7.45 to appease holiday makers who don't want to be woken so early. Ah
diddums! Next they'll want the dawn-chorus delayed until 8am and that
cockerel'll have to go....
Peace in the country? Don't you believe it!
Liverpool wins "European City of Culture 2008"
after the hot favourites, Newcastle/Gateshead are pipped at the post. Our city,
Birmingham, also in the contest, is pretty relieved that it hasn't won as it
would have had to put up with the likes of Craig Brown in the Telegraph and the
News-Quiz teams, dredging up a load of old "North of Watford" stereotypes. What
these dumbos fail to realise is that "culture" is more than trendy, overpriced
restaurants and Camden market. Good on yer Liverpool (but we was
Tony Blair is under pressure to reveal the
whereabouts of the weapons of mass destruction he was worried about during the
Iraq invasion. Unfortunately he doesn't know where Claire Short and Robin Cooke
Euro-phobia rears its ugly head again. Read all
about it on page 94. Note: Page 94 is becoming a
regular rant. Contributions welcome!
Iraq flattened by Americans. "Thanks very much,
that's much better" say dust-covered Iraqis. Saddam so far unavailable for
comment. "A Glorious Iraqi Victory" proclaims Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf from his
Connected item The Rumsfeld Doctrine by The
British singers voted "Flattest in Europe" by an
international panel. "A Great Performance" proclaims Muhammed al-Terrywogan
from his soundproof booth.
Several football hooligans locked up for being
tedious are on 24hr TV. Yes "Big Brother" is back and you haven't heard the
last of it.....
web-site, said to be a "haven for literature" has gone on-line. Greeted
with total apathy, the proprietors are re-thinking their future career
And now the weather.
Oh goodness me. Someone's
drawn lines all over this map! Hang on whilst I clean them off.....
Errr, well there doesn't seem to be any weather today.
So it's goodnight from me and Brian. (starts
shuffling papers, fixed grin slowly fades, lights dim, starts to walk off set,
falls over mike cable, music rolls, prostrate presenter is hauled off set with
a lighting pole).
T = True story
MT = Mostly true
L = Lies
LF = Lies based on Facts
Note: To comply with time-honoured journalistic practices, we
only use single sources and never check our facts. If we cannot obtain firm
information we make it up.
Rupert made us do it!
It may not be big, it may not be clever, but it's
ours so please don't reproduce without consent (or at least