Just what we need; another "super hero".
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Captain Wozzo. A children's story. By DA.

Chapter 1.

Come with me now, to a parallel existence where the impossible is possible (you still can't get a decent cup of tea in the average cafe though, what do they wash the cups in? I mean, it's not difficu.. << Get on with it! >> OK, just let me out of these brackets.) That's "Ed" by the way, you'll recognise him by his intolerant attitude! << I'm not intolerant, I just want you to get on with it! >>

Right, so here we are in this parallel existence, it's much the same as ours, nothing good on telly on a Saturday, but it does contain a remarkable man, a man known as "Captain Wozzo". This is his story. Well a story about him, if it goes well, I'll make up some more.. there could be books, a TV series, the sky's the lim.. << I said, get on with it! >>

The day dawned bright and sunny, birds twittered in the trees, cats languished in the morning sun, the distant hills.. << bit flowery this, isn't it? >> Err, yes, OK. Anyway it was a nice day, alright?

Inside Captain Wozzo's lab however, it was dark and gloomy, and a bit smelly, in fact it was very smelly. What a pong! Blimey, the stench was unbearable, poo-ya! What the heck was going on?

The Captain was preparing a new invisibility potion. He'd tried this before but had only succeeded in making his clothes invisible, well actually they rotted away and fell off, leading to his embarrassing arrest for indecent exposure in Crigley High Street. "But I am invisible" he had protested as they hauled him away, a strategically placed Policeman's helmet covering his embarrassment. << His embarrassment? That's a bit twee isn't it? >>Oh, OK, his wobbly bits. << Much better, we'll make a literary genius of you yet! >>

I've often wondered whether the policeman put his helmet back on afterwards, I don't think I'd like to.

This was going to be different, Safeco had a toy sale and the "Junior Arsonists Super Chemistry set with Real Explosions!!" (note the two exclamation marks, it must have been really good!) was on special offer at 25 quid. So there he was, beavering away with tubes and bubbles and all the stuff that mad inventors are supposed to have but mostly don't.

As we peer into the lab it seems that he has had had a success! Well, he must have had, he's nowhere to be seen! Amazing! Invisibilty at last, the holy grail of modern alchemy! Oh, hang on a minute here he is, he'd just popped out to get a spoon from the kitchen.. << sigh...>>

"Hubble bubble, dum diddly dee" he sang as he added more blue stuff to the greeny-yellow stuff and created.? the inevitable brown stuff. "Um, looks like brown sauce, I wonder what it tastes like?" he mused, dipping his finger into the bowl. "Ooh aaaah! Flippin Eck!, Blast!, Bother!, Fart!" This is not the kind of behavior we expect from a top scientist and Super-Hero. It is, however, exactly the kind of thing we have come to expect from Captain Wozzo.

"Flippety floppety friggin' fooo! That's hot!". He removed the bunsen burner from beneath the bubbling potion and let it cool a little. "Poo-ya, it smells a bit too. << A bit? That's an understatement. Even my uncle Arthur's socks aren't that bad! >> Did anyone ask for your opinion? << No. >> Right well then, I'll continue.

The Captain was having a little trouble with his potion, now that it had cooled it had set rock hard. "Bother, how am I going to try it out?" The simple idea of hitting it with a hammer occurred to him, this simple idea often occurred to him, especially when things weren't going too well. BAM! Bits of potion flew all over the room, skittering across the floor like, errr, well actually, it looked like treacle toffee!

"Hmm, perhaps if I suck a piece it will have the desired effect?" He popped a small bit into his mouth. "Mmmm, unngh, earrrgh, mummf" he chewed. An expression of puzzlement crossed his face, turned left at his ear and ran down the back of his neck. It was replaced by a pained look and then a large exclamation mark appeared above his head. "OOOOH Dear!" he cried and took off at high speed towards the toilet.

Some time later, a little paler and a lot lighter, the Captain returned to his lab and picked up all the pieces of his potion. He placed them carefully into a brown paper bag and labelled it "Super strong Laxative". Most of the Captain's best discoveries happened this way, happy accidents he called them, but on this occasion he didn't seem too happy.

"Bother and blast!" he muttered, rummaging through an old chest "I needed that invisibility potion for my next mission. I'll just have to make do with my impenetrable disguises". He dragged out a tatty-looking suit made of some kind of plastic with wires sewn into it. It was labelled simply "chameleon suit".

The principle was simple.. << Oh dear, not a scientific explanation pleeease! >> no honest, it's dead simple. The suit was made of luminescent polymer << I knew it, complete gobbledygook.. >> which would glow in different colours depending on how the various layers were switched on. So if the Captain stood beside a red wall, he just twiddled the controls until the suit took on the exact shade of red of the wall, and he merged into the background. Simple eh? << Absolutely marvellous. Now get on with the story, my cocoa's getting cold. >>

The Captain packed his suit, his intergallactic thunder ray (range, one metre), his toolkit and a large plastic box of cheese and pickle sandwiches. "To infinity and a bit further" He cried, getting it wrong as usual, and opened the garage door.

Inside the garage was one of the Captain's more successful inventions, a high powered hover-car with a very tasteful stripe down the side and a "GLX 16V" badge on the back that he'd found in a car park. This car was capable of 150 miles per hour and would do 0 to 60 in 3 seconds. I say "capable of" and "would do" advisedly as such performance would require; a: a competent driver and; b: a high standard of maintenance.
It had neither.

"Crang crang crang!" went the starter, "pop pop pop!" went the engine, "wibbly wibbly wibbly" went some other bit that wasn't supposed to make a noise at all.

After a while a sort of "chuga-chuga" theme became the dominant note. "Marvellous" marvelled the Captain "sweet as a nut" << Appropriate, that, really. >> Shut up, you're spoiling the story!

The Captain snicked the gearlever into first, pressed a button on the dash and.. "Fiddly fuddly foo!" he cursed as the garage door shut in front of him. He pressed various buttons, the lights came on, changed colour and went off again, a strange brown smell pervaded the cockpit. "Faddle daddle!" jab jab poke press mutter. "BANG!!" The car shot forward, the garage door was thrown aside like, err well, like a garage door being thrown aside really.. << Pathetic. You're not too good on simile today are you? >> No, but that's not important right now. The Captain was on the road and at the start of a new and dangerous mission. The Crigley one-way system and beyond!

To be continued.....

<< "To be continued, dot dot dot"? That's a bit of a weak ending isn't it? >> No it is going to be continued, honest. << I can't wait! >> Enough sarcasm now, it's not big and it's not clever.

If you want to find out what happens next just click here, and read the whole thing - so there!

<<Make up your mind, is it here or there?>>

© DA


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