Captain Wozzo. A children's story. By DA.
Come with me now, to a parallel existence where the impossible
is possible (you still can't get a decent cup of tea in the average cafe
though, what do they wash the cups in? I mean, it's not difficu.. <<
Get on with it! >> OK, just let me out of these brackets.) That's
"Ed" by the way, you'll recognise him by his intolerant attitude! <<
I'm not intolerant, I just want you to get on with it! >>
Right, so here we are in this parallel existence, it's much the
same as ours, nothing good on telly on a Saturday, but it does contain a
remarkable man, a man known as "Captain Wozzo". This is his story. Well a story
about him, if it goes well, I'll make up some more.. there could be books, a TV
series, the sky's the lim.. << I said, get on with it! >>
The day dawned bright and sunny, birds twittered in the trees,
cats languished in the morning sun, the distant hills.. << bit flowery
this, isn't it? >> Err, yes, OK. Anyway it was a nice day, alright?
Inside Captain Wozzo's lab however, it was dark and gloomy, and
a bit smelly, in fact it was very smelly. What a pong! Blimey, the stench was
unbearable, poo-ya! What the heck was going on?
The Captain was preparing a new invisibility potion. He'd tried
this before but had only succeeded in making his clothes invisible, well
actually they rotted away and fell off, leading to his embarrassing arrest for
indecent exposure in Crigley High Street. "But I am invisible" he had protested
as they hauled him away, a strategically placed Policeman's helmet covering his
embarrassment. << His embarrassment? That's a bit twee isn't it?
>>Oh, OK, his wobbly bits. << Much better, we'll make a
literary genius of you yet! >>
I've often wondered whether the policeman put his helmet back on
afterwards, I don't think I'd like to.
This was going to be different, Safeco had a toy sale and the
"Junior Arsonists Super Chemistry set with Real Explosions!!" (note the two
exclamation marks, it must have been really good!) was on special offer at 25
quid. So there he was, beavering away with tubes and bubbles and all the stuff
that mad inventors are supposed to have but mostly don't.
As we peer into the lab it seems that he has had had a success!
Well, he must have had, he's nowhere to be seen! Amazing! Invisibilty at last,
the holy grail of modern alchemy! Oh, hang on a minute here he is, he'd just
popped out to get a spoon from the kitchen.. <<
"Hubble bubble, dum diddly dee" he sang as he added more blue
stuff to the greeny-yellow stuff and created.? the inevitable brown stuff. "Um,
looks like brown sauce, I wonder what it tastes like?" he mused, dipping his
finger into the bowl. "Ooh aaaah! Flippin Eck!, Blast!, Bother!, Fart!" This is
not the kind of behavior we expect from a top scientist and Super-Hero. It is,
however, exactly the kind of thing we have come to expect from Captain
"Flippety floppety friggin' fooo! That's hot!". He removed the
bunsen burner from beneath the bubbling potion and let it cool a little.
"Poo-ya, it smells a bit too. << A bit? That's an understatement. Even
my uncle Arthur's socks aren't that bad! >> Did anyone ask for your
opinion? << No. >> Right well then, I'll continue.
The Captain was having a little trouble with his potion, now
that it had cooled it had set rock hard. "Bother, how am I going to try it
out?" The simple idea of hitting it with a hammer occurred to him, this simple
idea often occurred to him, especially when things weren't going too well. BAM!
Bits of potion flew all over the room, skittering across the floor like, errr,
well actually, it looked like treacle toffee!
"Hmm, perhaps if I suck a piece it will have the desired
effect?" He popped a small bit into his mouth. "Mmmm, unngh, earrrgh, mummf" he
chewed. An expression of puzzlement crossed his face, turned left at his ear
and ran down the back of his neck. It was replaced by a pained look and then a
large exclamation mark appeared above his head. "OOOOH Dear!" he cried and took
off at high speed towards the toilet.
Some time later, a little paler and a lot lighter, the Captain
returned to his lab and picked up all the pieces of his potion. He placed them
carefully into a brown paper bag and labelled it "Super strong Laxative". Most
of the Captain's best discoveries happened this way, happy accidents he called
them, but on this occasion he didn't seem too happy.
"Bother and blast!" he muttered, rummaging through an old chest
"I needed that invisibility potion for my next mission. I'll just have to make
do with my impenetrable disguises". He dragged out a tatty-looking suit made of
some kind of plastic with wires sewn into it. It was labelled simply "chameleon
The principle was simple.. << Oh dear, not a scientific
explanation pleeease! >> no honest, it's dead simple. The suit was
made of luminescent polymer << I knew it, complete gobbledygook..
>> which would glow in different colours depending on how the various
layers were switched on. So if the Captain stood beside a red wall, he just
twiddled the controls until the suit took on the exact shade of red of the
wall, and he merged into the background. Simple eh? << Absolutely
marvellous. Now get on with the story, my cocoa's getting cold.
The Captain packed his suit, his intergallactic thunder ray
(range, one metre), his toolkit and a large plastic box of cheese and pickle
sandwiches. "To infinity and a bit further" He cried, getting it wrong as
usual, and opened the garage door.
Inside the garage was one of the Captain's more successful
inventions, a high powered hover-car with a very tasteful stripe down the side
and a "GLX 16V" badge on the back that he'd found in a car park. This car was
capable of 150 miles per hour and would do 0 to 60 in 3 seconds. I say "capable
of" and "would do" advisedly as such performance would require; a: a
competent driver and; b: a high standard of maintenance.
"Crang crang crang!" went the starter, "pop pop pop!" went the
engine, "wibbly wibbly wibbly" went some other bit that wasn't supposed to make
a noise at all.
After a while a sort of "chuga-chuga" theme became the dominant
note. "Marvellous" marvelled the Captain "sweet as a nut" <<
Appropriate, that, really. >> Shut up, you're spoiling the story!
The Captain snicked the gearlever into first, pressed a button
on the dash and.. "Fiddly fuddly foo!" he cursed as the garage door shut in
front of him. He pressed various buttons, the lights came on, changed colour
and went off again, a strange brown smell pervaded the cockpit. "Faddle
daddle!" jab jab poke press mutter. "BANG!!" The car shot forward, the garage
door was thrown aside like, err well, like a garage door being thrown aside
really.. << Pathetic. You're not too good on simile today are you?
>> No, but that's not important right now. The Captain was on the
road and at the start of a new and dangerous mission. The Crigley one-way
system and beyond!
To be continued.....
<< "To be continued, dot dot dot"? That's a bit of a
weak ending isn't it? >> No it is going to be continued, honest.
<< I can't wait! >> Enough sarcasm now, it's not big and
it's not clever.
If you want to find out what happens next just
click here, and read the whole thing - so
<<Make up your mind, is it here or