It was a beautiful day. The sun shone
like a big yellow ball.
<<Do big yellow balls usually
Theres no poetry in your soul is
<<No. I trod on
Well the sun was shining anyway, and
Captain Wozzo was feeling cheery. He whistled a happy tune, it was good to feel
the wind in his hair.. err.. well it would have been in his hair if he had any,
but you get the idea.
Just then the Captains
hyper-ether-radio crackled into life Blasted thing! he complained,
always crackling, I must mend it.
Supreme President (Solar System)
here Wozzo, are you listening?
Eh? the captain exclaimed,
veering all over the road as he twiddled various hyper-ether knobs, Come
Its the Supreme President!
Pay attention! boomed the voice.
Ooh aah. Yes, err.. hello?
The Captain selected Jazz on the equaliser to see if that made the
Supreme President sound cooler.
Ah yes, thats Wozzo
alright the Supreme President (Solar System) continued
<<Cant we shorten that a
bit? If hes going to keep appearing itll use up far too many
Too many words? Is there a
<<Not when youre telling
OK, OK, well call him SPOTSS
from now on, is that short enough?
Supreme President Of The Solar
System, we cant
do brackets in an abbreviation.
Its the Pretavians again
Wozzo, theyre on the war-path. I want you to deal with
P P Pretavians? Wozzo
stammered. He didnt like the Pretavians, the last time hed come
across a Pretavian it bent his hat!
Where are they when theyre
Pretavia of course you idiot!
The problem is theyre not at home. Theyre in
Bu Bu Bu Bu Bu Bu But..
gibbered our intrepid hero.
Stop doing motor-boat
impressions Wozzo. I want you to track the blighters down and get rid of
em. Got it?
The Captain was just approaching a
road sign which indicated Crigley straight on and Other
Routes to the left. He wasnt sure where Other Routes
was but he was seriously considering going there anyway
And dont go bunking off
down that side-road, Ive got you on GUTS.
GUTS? queried the
Geo-Universal Tracking System.
You must have heard of it?
Oh, ah, hmm, yes, guts,
Of course Wozzo had no idea about
GUTS, hed been far too busy in his lab inventing much more useful systems
like LASOWS, the Liquorice Allsorts Special Offer Warning System. This scanned
the stock-control systems of all the major retailers looking for price
reductions on his favourite sweets.
Or CRAP, the Coconut Rejecting
Automatic Process which would remove the nasty coconut allsorts from the newly
opened bag and chuck them out of the window.
Go get em Wozzo said
the SPOTSS and the radio crackled out of life again.
There was nothing for it then,
SPOTSSs GUTS would follow him wherever he went. He headed for Crigley and
the Pretavians. At 23 miles per hour..
After five minutes a thought occurred.
The Captains thoughts often occurred quicker than that but he was a
little stunned by the news that his old enemy was back. He wondered what could
have brought them here again? Surely the fright hed given them with PONG
(Pretavian Oppilative Nerve Gas) should have kept them away for good. There
must be something here they really wanted, if only he knew what it
Now, you may be wondering what
Pretavians look like?
<<Oh yes! Im really-really
interested in what Pretavians look like. Do they wear trainers or boots? And do
they wear bobble-hats or baseball caps? Im dying to
Stop taking the mickey. This is
cant you put a few more jokes in?>>
Im doing my best but Pretavians
are nasty things. They are very difficult to see on account of them being so
small, and they travel by getting into peoples shoes.
<<Sorry I was just dozing off
there. I thought you said in peoples
Yes, you know? When youre just
having a nice walk, your shoes are comfy, alls well with the world and
then suddenly it dawns on you that theres something in your shoe.
Apart from that! Something small and
hard like a piece of grit.
<<Surely it is a piece of
Nope. Its a Pretavian.
<<You amaze me! What a load of
Shhh! Its their ultimate weapon
you see? No army can march for miles with grit in their boots, then the
Preatvians can attack!
<<From inside someones
shoes? Pretty difficult Id have thought.>>
No! They wait until the wearer takes
off his shoes to empty out the grit, then they attack! They get into
peoples eyes so they cant see properly and they steal their sweets.
<<They dont put the little
cardboard tray in those anymore. I miss the little cardboard
The Captain knew all this of course
and so had designed PONG so that it rendered the Pretavians allergic to
chocolate and odour-eaters.
<<Mmm! Chocolate and
Odour-Eaters. My favourite supper!>>
They could no longer travel and they
couldnt eat Bounties so they disappeared. The Captain got an OBE for
that, he can now sign himself Wozzo MDMscProfOBE.
Medical Doctor, Batchelor of soup,
<<You mean Science, surely?>> Oh yes, where was I?
Bachelor of Science, Professor and OBE.
What a man!
What a Wally! muttered the
Captain. He was stuck behind a man on a tricycle with a little box on the back
labelled Brians delicious coconut snacks.
As you may have guessed, the Captain
Get out of the way! He
shouted and pooped his horn
well it wasnt really a horn, it was
WATTS, (Wozzos Amplified Traffic Terrifying System) and it was seriously
The man on the tricycle leapt at least
a foot out of his seat and careered into the ditch whereupon he started
wrenching off his boots and then began rubbing his eyes!
The Captains blood ran cold..
He had found them...
<< "Dot dot dot" again eh? I
suppose we're going to have to wait another 3 years for the next chapter are
Um, well... no actually...
<< Stop it, you'll use up all the